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The Bachelorette

One thing is for sure: The Bachelorette hometown dates did not disappoint. JoJo might though, with some of her choices. If she can ever make one. The guys were at their cheesiest (or “spiciest”), and we were able to see that some of them got it directly from their moms. The episode was an interesting look at the guys’ relatives, who all asked them at some point, “Are you sure you’re ready to get engaged?” How reassuring! Let’s start at the beginning, with Chase standing on a snowcapped mountain.

Yes. He was. Just hanging out by himself, until JoJo showed up, ready to experience all Chase & Co. in CO had to offer. The two sit on a bearskin rug and Chase uses all his powers to open up about his parent’s divorce, the main theme for the next 20 minutes of this program. In fact, when JoJo and Chase go to meet his dad, Chase forces this nice man to talk about the divorce and his mistakes on national TV. Fun! For no one.

Oh, but the next stop is Chase’s mom, and what a reality TV mom she is. She is SO excited to meet JoJo, making it that much more awkward that it’s written all over JoJo’s face that she won’t be picking Chase in the end. She’s a good sport and sits through more of Chase discussing the divorce, and we’re supposed to be shocked that this is a man who is uncomfortable talking about his feelings. Uh, duh. What we should be doing is celebrating the men that ARE able to vocalize their emotions, but we’ll get to that.

Basically, Chase’s hometown date is as memorable as he is. So, not at all. The producers know when you’re starting to doze, and that’s when they inject a former football player and his family that are estranged from the actually successful football player brother. That’s right, Jordan Rodgers’ date is up next, so JoJo heads to Chico, CA for more prodding about personal family issues.

OF COURSE Jordan is the type of guy to take JoJo to his high school because he is 100% the guy that hangs out in the HS parking lot until he is old enough to be a father of a high school student. He even arranges for the sign outside to say “Welcome Home Jordan & JoJo” with a rose. Oof.

First stop is a meeting with his former football coach, the only thing that matters. There’s some awkward reminiscing, Jordan’s hair blows freely in the wind, and the two move on to the library for a hot make out sesh. Oh, by HOT I meant EW. What are you guys even doing? Get a grip here. So instead they go to someone’s office that has a bunch of pictures hanging up, where JoJo picks out the ones of Jordan immediately because he is a ham, and is sure to point out the pictures of his brother Aaron that the producers planted there just for a reason to bring him up.

And that’s not the end! JoJo does what Bill Simmons could not accomplish on his show last week and continues to prod about the brother situation while they cuddle on the bleachers. Jordan is noticeably uncomfortable, as his cocky smile is out in full force, and when she asks if she should bring up the brother around his family, Jordan responds with an “It doesn’t need to be a topic.” LOL. Yes it does, bro. Why do you think you’re here? Have you heard of ratings? The two continue to hang out on the bleachers, just a few rows up from a planted football and expose Jordan’s desire to still be back in high school where he was relatively cool.

JoJo and Jordan head to his parents’ house, and you can’t help but wonder if Aaron Rodgers knows his parents are on The Bachelorette right now. We’re all obsessed with Aaron, including JoJo, because it turns out he DOES need to be a topic, and one that she brings up often, even if not referring to him by name. She brings it up with Luke, the other brother, and the parents also skirt around the convo, stating that “fame can change you.”

Jordan’s mom tells him, “You look all lit up, this could be your destiny, this could be your plan!” as he explains how happy he is (about getting so much attention). To cap off the date, Jordan and JoJo head outside where he tells her, “That was like, the best” even though her gut is clearly telling her not to trust this bozo, he responds with a, “Don’t ever doubt this.” Yeah, JoJo! Because then it would prove what a fraud Jordan really is!

Ugh. Shaking off that guy, JoJo flies to St. Augustine, Florida to meet Robby and his fam. He’s so excited to spend the day with his “girlfriend” and wow does it send a shiver down your spine when that word comes out of his mouth. Even in sunny Florida, which, really it was just nice to get JoJo in some summer clothes instead of all the sweaters she was bundled up in for her previous dates. Robby also tells the world that the “best case scenario today is that JoJo tells me she loves me.” Yikes. This date is off to an awkward start before the two even hop in their horse and carriage ride for a glimpse at all the town has to offer. And the driver’s name is also Robert, what are the chances! (High, bro)

The chances are also high that some shady shit is going on with Robby and his ex and the ex’s roommate? Yeah, that’s the kind of drama we’re dealing with here. JoJo is feeling unsure about how recently Robby and his ex ended their relationship but he assures her it’s in the past. Oh, until they show up to his parents’ house (with tons of presents in hand?) and it comes up again. JoJo has a nice sit-down with his mom, while Robby is explaining his sleep/panic attack ratio to his bros. But when Robby and his mom chat, she reveals that the ex’s roommate is going around saying that he only ended their relationship to go on The Bachelorette.

This leads to another frustratingly long conversation between Robby and JoJo where he tells her it’s not a thing, but she feels like it might be, and nothing is really resolved, but they go outside and kiss under a clear plastic umbrella and she’s on her way.

They saved the best for last, as we giddy up to Texas for her date with Luke. JoJo is supposed to meet his “family and a couple of his buddies” which turns out to be a picnic for the whole town, basically. JoJo can’t comprehend why there are so many cars and so many people in one place, but then she catches on to what’s happening.

Immediately, Luke’s family is the best. He has a pretty, normal sister named Abby and two parents that aren’t overly gushy and excited to be on TV. They’re normal and rightfully skeptical of this whole thing, and Luke has a super sweet convo with his dad that was easily one of the best moments of the entire episode.

JoJo, as she has in all the hometown dates, continues to “just hang out” and “fit right in” as all the guys and their relatives have stated. She declares that Luke is the “guy I have undeniable chemistry with” yet she continues to keep a small distance from him, even while they sit on stacks of hay, which doesn’t look nearly as comfortable as anyone was hoping it would. Luke tells her that he likes to daydream about things, and that his heart “gets more and more involved” while his true Texas accent shines bright, and you can see it in her face that she has totally made up her mind to dump him.

But then! He walks them over to a path of candles, leading to a heart made out of flowers. This guy! The producers! He tells her that “my heart is yours” and OMG I think this show is making me like country music? What is happening!

The nerves are at an all time high when we see the next rose ceremony is taking place at an airport hangar, with a red carpet that they’ve clearly stolen from a movie premiere. JoJo shows up in an electric blue dress that is very tight, and while the dudes all line up, Luke looks like he is going to puke. Perhaps he heard her say she planned to cut him that night. Instead, he asks “JoJo, can I talk to you?” Like, as she’s about to hand out roses! You can do that? Somewhere, Alex is so pissed he didn’t know that was an option. Jordan gets bitchy as ever, muttering “interesting timing” and that he “had a whole day to talk about things.”

Luke and JoJo step aside and he pulls a Hail Mary, telling her that he loves her, before planting the most awkward kiss on the side of her head. He heads back inside, she does circles in an empty parking lot, crying and waving her hands and squatting, asking no one in particular, “What do I do?” Personally, I think the tight dress is causing her to hyperventilate. Either way, for the second time this season, she is unable to make a decision and we are left with a dramatic To Be Continued.

Let’s continue with some awards: