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Police Academy

Last night, at the Democratic National Convention, former president Bill Clinton stepped back into the spotlight once more. Bill told the story of how he and Hillary met, their early collegiate days, their introduction into Democratic politics, and he also talked about raising their daughter, Chelsea. One particularly charming anecdote had to do with Bill and Chelsea spending a weekend in front of the tube.

“We rarely disagreed on parenting, although she did believe that I had gone a little over the top when I took a couple days off with Chelsea to watch all six Police Academy movies back-to-back.”

Now, first off, some quick fact-checking: there are in fact seven Police Academy movies, but the seventh, Mission to Moscow, was made in 1994, when Clinton was two years into his presidency. So at the time of Bill and Chelsea’s multi-day binge, yes, there were merely six Police Academy movies. Still, props to the always forward-thinking Bill for getting on the binge-watching tip well before it became a thing.

But more importantly: how can YOU embark upon such a binge? Now that the farcical series of films about rag-tag cops prat-falling their way through training has been gifted with the presidential seal of approval, what kind of resources would it take to “pull a Clinton” (henceforth, “pulling a Clinton” will now mean watching all the Police Academy movies in a single binge)?

Number of films: 7
Total running time: 10 hours 11 minutes (which is honestly less time than it would take to stream a season of most Netflix originals)
Where they’re streaming: Amazon Video
Total cost of binge: $25.93 (to rent); $90.93 (to buy)

A bit of history: the original Police Academy was produced in 1984. For co-writers Neal Israel and Pat Profit, it was their first hit film, before they’d go on to write such hit comedies as Real Genius with Val Kilmer and Bachelor Party with Tom Hanks. A broad comedic farce featuring a wise-cracking Steve Gutenberg as cadet Mahoney trying to smirk his way through police training, Police Academy was a smash hit in its own right, grossing $146 million worldwide and spawning a series of sequels. It’s not hard to see why, as they were quite cheap to produce. Gutenberg (who starred in the first 4 films) and Kim Cattrall (who was only around for the first), the films were essentially devoid of stars. Instead, they boasted juvenile, slapsticky humor, sex jokes, funny voices, and action scenes so cartoonish they may as well have been animated. The elevator pitch was essentially “Animal House but cops.” As a 12-year-old kid, I devoured them. It is incredibly easy to imagine Bill Clinton being a fan as well.

So let’s break down the series:

Police Academy: The original. You meet the central characters: smart-aleck Mahoney, human-beatbox Jones (Michael Winslow), gun nut Tackleberry (David Graf), human giant Hightower (Bubba Smith), meek Hooks (Marion Ramsey), busty Callahan (Leslie Easterbrook), grumpy antagonist Lieutenant Harris (G.W. Bailey), and dotty old Commandant Lassard (George Gaynes). Everybody graduates the academy by the end. [Stream on Amazon Video.]

Police Academy 2: Their First Assignment: Uh … time to do it again! Only this time, the antagonists are Lieutenant Mauser and his sidekick Procter. Same kinda hijinks, though. [Stream on Amazon Video.]

Police Academy 3: Back in Training: So how do you extend a series called “Police Academy” when the cast graduated the academy two movies ago? Have them come back to the academy to train new recruits! This installment brings in recruits Zed (Bobcat Goldthwait) and Sweetchuck (Tim Kazurinsky) and keeps Mauser and Procter as the heavies. [Stream on Amazon Video.]

Police Academy 4: Citizens on Patrol: Now the cops train civilian officers, allowing for plenty more hijinks with people incredibly unsuited to be police officers. Lieutenant Harris returns as antagonist in this film. The climax features a high-speed air balloon chase. [Stream on Amazon Video.]

Police Academy 5: Assignment Miami Beach: The fifth installment is the first to go without the services of Steve Gutenberg in the lead role. Instead, Matt McCoy — who you might recognize as Richard’s lawyer from Silicon Valley — was the new smarmy lead. This film features Janet “Mrs. Wayne Gretzky Who Lured Him to Los Angeles, Betraying All of Canada in the Process” Jones as the new comely female cadet. [Stream on Amazon Video.]

Police Academy 6: City Under Siege: At this point, it’s getting really difficult to distinguish between movies. I can’t imagine Chelsea Clinton remembers much about City Under Siege. [Stream on Amazon Video.]

Police Academy 7: Mission to Moscow: Recommended only if you feel the need to best Bill and Chelsea Clinton, establishing yourself as a better Police Academy binge-watcher than the former leader of the free world. Ron Perlman (Hellboy; Sons of Anarchy) plays a Russian gangster. It made approximately $7 at the box office. [Stream on Amazon Video.]