Today in TV History: Caitlin Upton Stepped Into Pageant Immortality, Like Such As

Of all the great things about television, the greatest is that it’s on every single day. TV history is being made, day in and day out, in ways big and small. In an effort to better appreciate this history, we’re taking a look back, every day, at one particular TV milestone. 

IMPORTANT DATE IN TV HISTORY: August 24, 2007

PROGRAM ORIGINALLY AIRED ON THIS DATE: Miss Teen USA 2007

WHY IT’S IMPORTANT: There are some television moments that take a while to burn themselves into the collective consciousness. There are cult hits and moments that only become legendary once time has had a chance to let them mature. But then there are those moments that you know as soon as you see them that they are going to become A Thing immediately. Such was the case for anybody who happened to be watching the Miss Teen USA pageant in the summer of 2007. Miss Teen Colorado, Hilary Cruz took the crown, but nobody remembers that. No, we remember the girl who would end up in fourth place, hailing from the great state of South Carolina. We remember Caitlin Upton for this:

Let’s break this down. Why was Caitlin Upton’s word-salad of answer to a question about America’s educational shortcomings so immediately iconic? There were several reasons:

• First and foremost, Upton was a pageant girl, and as much as we love to praise the beautiful and talented in this country, we love it even more when they screw up. And fair or (mostly) unfair, the idea of the airhead beauty queen is a stereotype that has endured.
• More charitably, you could say that we have all had our moments when are mouths and our brains are in a long-distance relationship that has gone sour, and watching someone as beautiful and privileged as Upton go through that in front of the whole country was cathartic.
• DID YOU SEE IT? Watch it again. That the question was about America’s poor education standards makes it even more delicious, but just the utter runaway train of a word jumble is too horrible to turn away from.
• In the summer of 2007, the country as a whole had soured on the George W. Bush regime, and is there anything that screams “George Bush’s America” louder than a blonde white girl speaking utter nonsense about education in “the Iraq” and how “U.S. Americans” could improve it?
• The sheer randomness of life that somehow bonds Mario Lopez and Friday Night Lights star Aimee Teegarden to this moment in time. Lopez’s “that’ll do” response to Upton is easily the highlight of his career.
• Once more, a transcript: “I personally believe that U.S. Americans are unable to do so because some people out there in our nation don’t have maps and I believe that our education like such as in South Africa and the Iraq everywhere like such as and I believe that they should our education over here in the U.S. should help the U.S. or should help South Africa and should help the Iraq and the Asian countries so we will be able to build up our future for our children.”
• There is a timer bell that dings as Upton is saying “the Asian countries,” and you can tell that she knows it’s all gone wrong, but she also knows that she can’t get out of this question without invoking the children, as per her pageant training, so the final two seconds become a race to say “for our children” before Lopez pulls the microphone away. It is a thrilling moment, one unrivaled by any Olympic event or Breaking Bad season finale.

Thank you very much, South Carolina.