Netflix Purgatory: The Great Films In Your Queue You Just Won’t Watch

Despite the decreasing number of titles on Netflix, our personal streaming queues are as congested as ever. Two weeks ago we were finally going to engage in some autumn queue cleaning and then, boom, Joe Swanberg’s Easy premiered. Last week’s purge was interrupted by the debut of Marvel’s Luke Cage. How are we supposed to keep up with the past when the present is filled with so many quality streaming options? Welcome to the anxiety-riddled thicket of films known as Netflix Purgatory.

Netflix Purgatory is a term used to describe the titles that have taken up permanent residency in your Netflix queue yet remain unwatched. Year after year you’ve routinely shunned these films in lieu of more attractive cinematic options, and honestly, who can blame you? Who among us has the mental bandwidth for Will Ferrell’s Spanish-language Casa de mi Padre when you can just stream that episode of Friends where Ross gets stuck in his own pants? Every Sunday you think, “You know what? Maybe tonight’s the night I finally clean up my queue.” But today invariably turns into tomorrow and before you know it five years has gone by and you still haven’t watched the Rachel Bilson romantic comedy Waiting For Forever.

Team Decider cobbled together a list of titles found on our own personal Netflix Purgatory lists. Let’s see which films made the cut!

Aspirational Films That, Let’s Be Real, You’re Never Going To Watch

Examples: The Secret, Dinosaur 13, Antarctica: A Year on Ice

Do you ever lie in bed at night and think, “Tomorrow’s going to be the first day of the rest of my life! Get ready for a whole new me!” only to hear the alarm go off the next morning and be like, “Ugh. Again?”

Yeah, me neither.

I genuinely applaud the optimism of the aspirational add. At one point in my life, I actually concocted a plan to use Netflix in order to learn more about dinosaurs to… I don’t know. Impress people? I guess in my head I thought I’d regale a fancy dinner party with a charming anecdote that ended with “And that’s why they call the T-rex ‘tyrant lizard”‘ and everyone would burst into applause and Stephen King would saunter over and whisper, “Wow. You’re a way better writer than me, pal.” Then he’d buy me a drink and we’d talk about It for five hours.

While the optimistic aspirational add works in theory, it never seems to live up to expectations.

Movies You Added To Your Queue When You Were Drunk/High

Examples: Bad Milo!, All Good Things, Cosmos: A Spacetime Odyssey Episode 4: A Sky Full of Ghosts

I love Ken Mario, and I don’t hate demons, but I just can’t fathom the series of events that would have to unfold for me to watch Bad Milo! I honestly think time travel or a Jurassic Park scenario would have to be involved.

Forget drunk dialing, drunk adding is the new craze that’s sweeping the nation, and apparently when the staff of Decider has their third Appletini, they only wanna watch movies inspired by Robert Durst or deal with Neil deGrasse Tyson bragging about gravity.

The Mini Series/Biopic That You Will Never, Ever, Ever, Ever Carve Out Enough Time To Stream

Examples: Carlos, North and South, Ken Burns: The Roosevelts: An Intimate History

Despite OVERWHELMING historical evidence to the contrary, I was once delusional enough to think, “You know what? Yes. I am going to spend 784 minutes of my life learning about Theodore, Franklin, and Eleanor Roosevelt by watching Ken Burns’ seven episode history of the political family. That’s a shade over thirteen hours of content! I wouldn’t even watch a thirteen hour documentary about my life.

Kenny, you’re a national treasure. I love you, and I’m sure the doc is straight aces, but I think I gotta stick to learning history by the tried and true combination of Wikipedia and roadside diner placemats.

Movies Your Ex-Boyfriend/Ex-Girlfriend Wanted You To Watch

Examples: Like Sunday, Like Rain, The Heart Machine, Prince Avalanche

Seeing an ex’s Netflix recommendation in your queue is a fun new degree of melancholy that our parents never had to deal with. If relationships ended in the ’50s, the person who broke your heart just moved to a new town on a cool Oregon Trail-style wagon. Probably.

I really miss the social civility of the ’50s.

ANYWAY, a little while ago a girlfriend and I had plans to watch the Leighton Meester movie Like Sunday, Like Rain, but we decided to breakup instead. Do I blame Meester? I don’t know, but I don’t see this sort of thing happening on Blake Lively’s watch, ya know? Due to this romantic catastrophe, I will never watch Like Sunday, Like Rain, Gossip Girl reruns, or the television series Nashville, which Meester’s not on, but it kinda feels like she should be.

You can take my heart, but you can never take my Netflix freedom! That little chestnut is reserved for me and whomever’s password I’m using to access the account.

Have you watched any of these films? Share your Netflix Purgatory films with Decider on Twitter.