The Hunt For The Most Thankless Role In The Marvel Cinematic Universe

This one is a divisive one. The fact that to date Marvel has not made a movie with a central female superhero is indeed shameful and ought to be rectified. (Indeed, Captain Marvel, starring Brie Larson, hits theaters in March of 2019.) Most often, Black Widow is brought up when people talk about Avengers who should have their own movie. And certainly Scarlett Johansson could hold her own at the center of a Marvel movie. But … she kind of already does. The Avengers movies are all-star affairs, yes, but Natasha Romanov has been at dead center of both of them. Joss Whedon’s writing pulled Black Widow off of the sidelines as a Tony Stark acolyte and made her the emotional center of those movies. She’s also been a bang-up supporting player in the second and third Captain America movies. I can see why many fans (and critics) want her to have a movie of her own, but she’s only on a list like this with an asterisk.

There’s a few ways to look at the role of Phil Coulson. On the one hand, he’s beloved; he’s been in a ton of the movies; he got to have a big, emotional death scene that mattered; and then he got to be the lead of his own TV series. Or, if you look at it a different way: Coulson was dragged along through all these movies, getting crumbs of incredibly functionary dialogue, then getting offed only to heighten a conflict between Nick Fury and his Avengers, before finally being resurrected to help the ship of fools on a TV show that isn’t particularly well-liked. You make the call.

The fact that Laura Barton is decidedly non-superheroic is the entire point of Age of Ultron‘s sojourn down at Hawkeye’s family farm. It’s actually a pretty lovely sequence, and it helps to hammer home the themes of the movie at large. But well-intentioned though its narrative purpose was, there still was no getting around the fact that Cardellini — an actress whose talents have been in search of roles worthy of them since Freaks and Geeks got cancelled — was saddled with the role of Supportive Wife. She frets. She worries. She strokes her pregnant belly with great portent. And then she stays home while the boys ship off to war.

Djimon Hounsou has two Academy Award nominations. One for In America in 2003 and one for Blood Diamond in 2006. He is one of FOUR Academy Award-nominated actors appearing in Guardians of the Galaxy (five if you count Bradley Cooper’s voice work). I couldn’t include all of them or else they’d take up half the list. But just know that John C. Reilly and Glenn Close are in my thoughts and prayers as Guardians 2 comes around again.

Oh, the life of a SHIELD agent in a movie overrun with gods and superpowered men. Armed with Smulders’ crackling charisma, Maria Hill has been a welcome presence every single time she’s been on screen. And then she gets shipped off to wherever the action isn’t. Smulders is way too talented to be wasted on simple exposition. Which is why Joss Whedon and the Russos keep finding excuses to have her around. That Age of Ultron cocktail party where she busts on all the guys was a tantalizing good start.

Pity the poor second banana who has to wait around for Tony Stark to stop talking before he can get a word in. Cheadle — another Oscar-nominated actor — has been with the MCU since Iron Man 2 (when he took over the Rhodes role from Terrence Howard), and it took until Captain America: Civil War (i.e. THIS YEAR) for him to get any kind of interesting storyline. Said storyline was basically Vision accidentally shooting him out of the sky, followed by his near death. Something tells us his physical therapy won’t be covered in the next Avengers movie.

Here’s another lady on the sidelines, this time Scott Lang’s bitter ex-wife in Ant-Man. BOO! Ex-wives who don’t care about how much we want to watch their louche former husbands dress up in costumes and fight evil! Greer got a bit of attention for this particular thankless role because it came in the middle of a year when all she got were thankless role, between this and Jurassic World and Tomorrowland. Just a parade of wives and mothers who send their husbands and kids off to do the adventuring.

Academy Award-winner Benicio Del Toro has been in two Marvel movies now — Guardians of the Galaxy and the post-credits scene in Thor: The Dark World — playing the Collector. And thus far, that’s exactly what he’s done. Collected things. It’s been as exciting as it sounds.

Academy Award-winner Natalie Portman spent two movies playing Jane Foster, a scientist who ends up being reduced to “Thor’s girlfriend” basically the instant Thor lands on Earth.Of all the Marvel romances (Tony Stark/Pepper Potts; Steve Rodgers/Peggy Carter; Natasha Romanov/Bruce Banner), Thor/Jane has never felt nearly on equal footing. While it would be tough to blame anyone for falling for that blond mountain of a man, Jane’s descent into damsel-in-distress territory in Thor: The Dark World was even more frustrating. Why? WHY would you touch that aether, Jane?!?!  Natalie Portman is simply WAY too big a star to be sidelined like this without actively annoying viewers.

“Bridge goes up. Bridge goes down. Bridge does up. Bridge goes down.” That’s basically the life of poor, neglected Heimdall. At least when he’s not getting sneak-attacked in semi-off-screen battles. For THIS you cast Idris Elba? If there isn’t some plan down the line for Heimdall to ride that rainbow road straight to Thanos and do battle for the Infinity Gauntlet himself, I am utterly at a loss as to what purpose they cast him for. You’ve got one more Thor in the chamber, Marvel. Make this one count.