Conspiracy Theory: Coach Gordon Bombay Probably Poisoned A Rival Youth Hockey Team In ‘The Mighty Ducks’

Everything I’ve ever believed in has been a boldface lie.

Growing up, I was your typical child of the ’90s. I loved Salute Your Shorts; I ate Dunkaroos; and I was an irresponsible parent to many a Tamagotchi. And like most ’90s kids, I had an unwavering affection for The Mighty Ducks. I cheered for the Ducks. I quacked along with the Ducks. I shot 1000s of kuncklepucks into empty hockey nets in tribute to the Ducks. If apple pie is the symbol of American prosperity, the Mighty Ducks franchise is emblematic of childhood.

But as adolescence slowly fades into adulthood, the fairy dust of fantasy is replaced by the unrelenting truth of reality. Santa Clause isn’t real; Peter Pan can’t fly; and Gordon Bombay is a sociopath who poisoned a rival youth hockey team.

You know the plot to The Mighty Ducks by now. After successful lawyer Gordon Bombay (Emilio Estevez) is busted endangering the lives of innocent people while drunk driving, a judge sentences Bombay to endanger the lives of a ragtag group of innocent children, the winless Ducks, by becoming their new hockey coach. Before Bombay became a hotshot lawyer, he was the greatest youth hockey player in the history of Minnesota (and perhaps the world) scoring an astronomical 198 goals for his team, youth hockey juggernauts the Hawks, during the 1973 peewee hockey season.

Young Gordon Bombay made NHL great Wayne Gretzky look like a dented can of baked beans.

But some heroes fly too close to the sun, and young Bombay missed a penalty shot that would have won yet another in a long line of championships for the Hawks. Unable to live with disappointing his coach, the hyper-competitive Jack Reilly (Lane Smith), Bombay gave up his dreams of NHL stardom and instead settled for becoming a rich lawyer. The competitive torch that once burned for youth hockey now blazed for lady law. Thanks to his ruthless competitive spirit, Bombay was undefeated in the courtroom. But after his drunk driving arrest, he was forced to return to his own personal waking nightmare known as Minnesota youth hockey.

Even though eight out of ten teams advance to the playoffs, Bombay knew the winless Ducks weren’t going to make the cut, and Gordon Bombay doesn’t lose. He wins… by any means necessary. Rational thought doesn’t stand a chance when pitted against unbridled fury, so the desperate, insanely-competitive coach did the only thing he could do to get the Ducks into the playoffs: he infected a youth hockey team with the measles.

You’re telling me the entire Panthers team happened to contract the measles around the same time an ultra-competitive (possible) alcoholic with an obvious vendetta against youth hockey returns to the league? As every private investigator says in every television show about a mystery: I don’t believe in coincidences.

But is it even possible to purposely infect a youth hockey team with the measles? I decided to find out. Luckily, I have a contact who works in the medical profession: my new doctor.

Six months ago I awoke with a severely painful rash across my chest and back. I assumed it was either NYC bug related or that my ex-girlfriend had gotten back into voodoo. Naturally, I ignored the rash, assuming it would eventually go away or I’d just die. After three weeks of pain, I begrudgingly decided to make an appointment with a new doctor, and she informed me that I had shingles. We both shared a laugh at the fact that an incredibly fit young man like myself (my words) was reckless and idiotic enough (her words) to not make an appointment sooner. After she vanquished my very common and not at all disgusting aliment, she said I could email her with any follow-up questions. So I did!

Oddly enough, Dr. Van Wagner never wrote me back, which begs the question: How high up does this conspiracy go? Also, I’m fairly certain I’m going to need to find another doctor, which is a small price to pay for JUSTICE.

Undeterred, I texted my brother-in-law (who’s also a doctor) and asked him if it was possible to purposely infect a group of children with the measles. His response?

“Yes. Very contagious. Usually pretty benign disease.”

You know what else is “very contagious”? The truth. I followed up by asking if you could spread the disease by using an article of clothing that belonged to someone who had the measles. My suspicions were once again confirmed.

“Yes. Probably.”

Also, despite the fact that this was the first time I texted my brother-in-law in a year, he did not inquire as to why I was asking him how to poison children.

If you think Gordon Bombay, a man who had no qualms quacking at his boss, is beyond committing this crime, remember that this is the same cinematic universe in which a last place youth hockey team earning a tie was somehow front-page news of a NATIONAL hockey publication.

We know that Bombay had the means, motive, and opportunity to commit this crime. His guilt is obvious, but the larger question is how did Bombay’s treachery elude the top journalists of the era, former Olympian Summer Sanders and NBA Inside Stuff host Ahmad Rashad? Maybe they were in on it? I honestly don’t know. I don’t know anything anymore.

They say that not all heroes wear capes, but who knew that the most duplicitous villain of them all wore ice skates?

[Where to stream The Mighty Ducks]