Fun
Frisky
Nostalgic
Intense
Adventurous
Choked Up
Curious
Romantic
Weird
I like the television show Friends. I’ve seen every episode (multiple times), but I wouldn’t say I’m fanatical about it. I’d classify myself as a slightly above average fan. If you say phrases like “Gunther Centralperk” or “MY SANDWICH!” in my vicinity, I’ll chuckle and respond with a “yep” and continue to consume a borderline ungentlemanly amount of chips and salsa at whatever social gathering we happen to be attending together.
By any metric, Friends is one of the most critically and commercially successful sitcoms of all time, which is why it is *grabs the largest bullhorn/climbs to the highest point of the largest mountain* UTTERLY INSANE that the series aired an episode in which Ross tried to bang his cousin.
One more time for the folks in the back of the room: ROSS GELLER TRIED TO BANG HIS COUSIN.
The year: 2001.
The season: Seven.
The episode: “The One with Ross and Monica’s Cousin”
The word best used to describe it: Yuck
Let’s get into this, shall we? Ross and Monica’s cousin Cassie (Denise Richards) is visiting New York City. Initially, Cassie is going to crash with Monica and Chandler, but she’s forced into staying with Ross because Chandler Bing, an adult, won’t stop ogling her.
“So no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay”
But Chandler’s super deluxe pervy behavior is a mere appetizer to the colossal entree of deviance to come. Undeterred by her cousin’s fiancé’s 100% NOT OKAY level of creepiness, Cassie arrives at Ross’ apartment, but her hotness is just too darn much for Ross, a college professor in charge of shaping the minds of the youth of America, to handle.
The fact that Ross’ eyes didn’t bulge out of his head while he shouted “ahooga” is a real missed opportunity if you ask me, but, hey, I’m just a simple man who’s never written a comedic television episode about incest.
Even though Cassie is visiting the apex of activity known as NYC, she decides she wants to stay in, drink wine, and watch the 1976 science fiction film Logan’s Run with Ross, a man whose third best friend used to be a monkey.
Cool. Got it.
The combination of a sexual dry spell and Cassie’s overt attractiveness are just too much for Mr. Geller to handle. Despite the fact that Cassie is his *hires a reasonably priced skywriter* COUSIN, Ross makes a sexual advance that goes, yep, you guessed it, not super great.
Trying to visit Fort Intercourse with your cousin is not a madcap sitcom caper. It’s weird! Really, really weird. Maybe these types of shenanigans would be acceptable on a Must-See TV utility player like Caroline in the City or Wings, but this is Friends! Kings and Queens of the zeitgeist! How the hell did this happen?! Was the writing staff on a break with common sense? Also, why is this plot rarely mentioned? Did we all collectively block it out? Have we all been lulled into a laugh-track induced trance of ignorance? Is this David Blaine’s greatest illusion?
The 1,001 eye rolls I usually reserve for people who still insist on using shopworn comedy phrases like “asking for a friend” or “threw up in my mouth a little bit” are now being directed at this episode. Even though the plot is “I bet I could steal Mount Rushmore” levels of absolute idiocy, its origin story must be a fascinating tale. I can only assume this episode was the result of:
A: Blackmail perpetrated by the cast of Suddenly Susan
B: An elaborate game of wealthy old men truth or dare that went horribly awry
C: A shared nightmare that all of us have been sucked into by a rascally group of unsupervised teenage Martians
D: An intricate prank hatched by an eighteen-year-old Nathan Fielder
It’s all just so, so, so…
Yes. Thank you, Ross. Sometimes a picture truly is worth a 1,000 words.
Also, Joey attaches lunch meat and Silly Putty to his dong in an attempt to trick a casting director into giving him a job in this episode. Nice try, Tribbiani. You’re still a distant third place in terms of creepy behavior.
How am I doin’, Joey? Confused. Very, very, very confused.
