Fun
Frisky
Nostalgic
Intense
Adventurous
Choked Up
Curious
Romantic
Weird
Previously on America’s Next Top Model: People are pretty, the judges are mean, and 13 models continue on in a competition that has so far crushed the dreams of a teenager who snuck out of her bedroom window to get to New York and had to get back to her room before her mom came in to wake her up for school. RIP Justine.
At the model house, Cody’s winning photo from last panel is posted on the screen and the women are coming to grips with Justine’s elimination. Courtney thinks the twins are too confident—I do, too—and Coryanne is rambling about being down on her performance and not wanting to be compared to her mother. Well, Coryanne, no one would compare you to your mother if you hadn’t brought it up. It’s not like I did! Look, nepotism is not without its downsides (ask JEB!), but if you just put your head down and take a good picture, you can get back to the part where nepotism is lit.
There’s a cryptic Ritalert, wherein Rita looks as clueless as the message she gives is, and the models guess as to what the next challenge will be. They’re convinced that it’s a photoshoot, which is a safe bet for a show about women taking pictures. The girls have to be ready at 9:00am, and Courtney is feeling sick so she wants to sleep, but the other models in her room aren’t quite ready to quiet down. “Hey guys, I really need to sleep.” is what Courtney, a reasonable person, says. But Tash, Cody and Marissa react as if Courtney has just asked to fuck their boyfriends. Marissa’s reaction is by far the most outsized. It seems that she’s going for Bitchy Black Girl™ but doesn’t realize that Binta has that part down pat.
Courtney is overwhelmed by the confrontation and goes downstairs to cry, which is kind of lame. You gonna let some 18-year-old make you cry because you wanted to take a nap? Cherish is annoyed with how the situation between the girls and Courtney has played out and she tries to have a reasonable conversation with them. “Do you think that how you handled it is the right way to have done that?” Of course, Marissa and company are defiant, because this is a reality show and maturity is not good for business.
In the morning, the models arrive at the Highline Stages, where they are met by Rita and Drew. There’s going to be a photoshoot, but first—
MAKEOVERS!
Any real fan of the first iteration of ANTM will remember that the makeover episodes were always a glorious shit show. Hair dye, tears and lack of perspective abound. Nothing underscores the ridiculousness of this entire undertaking quite like watching exceptionally beautiful women cry because they’re getting a haircut. And we are blessed with an immediate freak out courtesy of Cherish, the natural redhead who has made being a redhead her entire identity and who is just put out by the idea of sullying her “virgin” hair with bottle dye. You see, she isn’t JUST a redhead. She’s got gold strands and all different colors that make up her hair color. YOU CANT RUIN THAT WITH A BOTTLE OF L’OREAL.
Cherish isn’t the only person having a bad day. Tash, the girly twin, doesn’t understand why her more androgynous sister is getting long feminine hair while she gets a masculine fade.
While Cherish and Tash are whining, Ashley Graham walks onto set and announces that not only are the models doing a shoot with their new looks, they will be posing nude for group photos taken by world famous photographer Ellen von Unwerth. For the most part, the makeovers are unremarkable, except for India who gets some gorgeous purple color with pink and blue highlights. Binta doesn’t get a makeover at all, and Tash’s look doesn’t look much different than the look she was rocking before. Still, Tash is really unhappy. She goes into a room to yells at producers behind closed doors, while Courtney is enjoying Tash’s misery.
Ashley Graham gives Tash a pep talk, which is devolves into the two of them yelling the word “boss” at each other over and over again. It doesn’t feel very peppy, but what do I know? I’m no “boss.” You know who is a boss, though? Kyle. Just in the corner doing errant pushups on set like bosses do.
There’s one more freakout bubbling, and this time it’s India being nervous about having to pose nude. She’s trying really hard to keep her anxiety to a minimum, which is very mature of her, but one day we’re gonna have to have a conversation about what it means that a young woman is feeling peer pressured into posing nude for a fake photoshoot for a reality TV show and consider how unfair these power dynamics are.
BUT PRETTY PICTUREZ, AMIRITE LADIES?
Krislian, Cherish and Binta all shoot together. Cherish is still upset about her hair, and that is apparent. Krislian hates her hair and it’s clear she’s uncomfortable, and Binta is just… there.
Cody, Coryanne, Tatianna and Kyle all shoot together. They all seem happy with their makeovers and they look great shooting.
Marissa, India and Paige all shoot together. India is obviously nervous about being nude, but she is trying her best to do well despite that.
Courtney, Giah, and Tash all shoot together and with the exception of Courtney, I’m wholly unimpressed.
Back at the model house, Marissa announces that she feels closer to the other girls (I imagine seeing your roommates’ tits will make you feel bonded more so than you had before), and so she apologizes to Courtney for the hurtful stuff she said to Courtney the night before.
At Panel we finally get to see the photos with the new looks. For group one, Cody has a great shot. Coryanne looks incredible. Kyle looks amazing as well. Tatiana looks amazing, too.
For group two, Marissa looks like a superstar. The Panel says Paige looks great, but I don’t see it. She looks a lot to me like Kim Stewart, and that’s not a compliment. Of course, India looks amazing. It’s always the girl who’s scared of nudity who is the best at being naked.
For group three, Binta’s shot is terrible. Krislian is meh. And Cherish looks horrible. A makeover freakout, a bad shot, and Drew says he’s not confident she’s a model? Yeah. Bye Cherish.
In group four, the group shot is good. Tash looks amazing despite herself, and Rita thinks she’s the dark horse of the competition. Giah looks like an R&B singer and not an editorial model to Law. I see that. Giah looks like my homegirl from around the way, not an international fashion icon. And of course, Courtney looks perfect. As always.
In the end, Courtney wins best photo and Krislian and Cherish are the bottom two girls. Krislian is sobbing while Cherish is trying to emit positivity. But there’s a seething anger too close to the surface and I don’t buy it. Neither do the judges it seems. Krislian is saved while Cherish is sent home. Soon the optimistic façade fades, and we get a bizarre rant about being angry and dying her integrity and being special and being a unicorn.
Maybe that’s the fumes from the chemicals on her once virgin hair talking.
Rae Sanni is a comedian and writer from Brooklyn, NY who has been bringing her unique perspective on everything from pop culture to race and gender relations to audiences all over. Rae co-hosts the monthly stand up comedy show LoudMouth!. You can find Rae on Twitter @Raesanni, where she muses on her love for Rihanna, NBA players, and being a black person.
