Fun
Frisky
Nostalgic
Intense
Adventurous
Choked Up
Curious
Romantic
Weird
Previously on America’s Next Top Model: People are pretty, the judges are mean, and 12 models continue on in a competition that has just crushed the dreams of an adult human being that cried because she, a redhead, was made to lose her hair virginity and become a… redhead. RIP Cherish.
The girls are back at the model house and Courtney’s winning group photo is on the wall. She looks incredible. But the other models are starting to hate Courtney, the most vocal of them being Tash, and it really doesn’t help to see Courtney’s smug face up on the wall.
Tash says that she hates Courtney because Courtney always plays the victim, but Tash is onto her. She can see the devil hiding in those eyebrows.
Krislian is still super anxious about being “too sexy” for the judges’ liking and jokes to Coryanne that she’s just going to dress like a boy for the next panel. Gosh, I hate this storyline so much. It’s like, yes, Rita Ora and company, the 5’6” Instagram honey is not going to walk onto a set and be Kate Moss. It’s silly to expect it. And, gosh, Krislian’s too stupid to realize the production team has set her up for failure.
Coryanne is missing her life back in LA, because when you’re a super gorgeous woman being presented with such an amazing opportunity, missing out on VIP Drake and Future tix your friends prob traded handies for is just THE WORST. Girl, just get ass shots and become a stripper. Drake will be whine rapping a verse about you in no time.
Ritalert!
The latest challenge looks to be about further developing their capital “B” Brands through social media. “Don’t be a follower,” Rita says. “Let them follow you.” They’re supposed to be words of wisdom, but it feels too much like the cold open of an SVU episode.
When the models meet up with Rita at a studio, the host introduces them to social media super star, DJ Khaled. This is a pretty big get for the show, since DJ Khaled has Snapchatted himself into a book deal and the most heat he’s ever had. He’s apparently charming, or whatever, though I admit to firmly being in the “I Don’t Get It” camp. There’s not much amusing about a DJ repeating useless platitudes and clichés in 10 second intervals, but hey, I was late on the glory that is Joanne the Scammer. Maybe I’ll finally get into Khaled in 2019.
The models are put in teams of two make 10 second videos of them modeling lingerie to impress DJ Snapchat. We learn that the lingerie that girls will be modeling is Tezenis, an Italian outfit that Rita “designs” and is the spokesmodel for. Rita really wants us to know that Tezenis is the biggest lingerie brand “overseas.” Sure. And I have a super-hot girlfriend in Canada. Totally. (Editor’s Note: When I was in Budapest last year for a Christmas Viking River Cruise — SHUT UP — the only “recognizable celebrity” I saw on billboards was Rita Ora shilling this brand. She’s big in Budapest? *shrug*)
For the most part the twosomes are doing well and then there’s Courtney and Binta. Some genius production assistant wearing a chemist’s coat and an evil grin watched as his mix of these walking reality tv cliches produced the volatile reaction this relatively tame season has been looking for. It seems Courtney has decided that she wants her Snap to be some fake deep emo model version of “Ebony and Ivory.” But then I think Courtney whined and then
Bitchy Binta was bitchy and they start bickering. Courtney gets fed up, and storms off like a toddler. Binta’s still gonna make her video, though.
Courtney still really wants to record her racial-harmony-even-though-we-just-argued video and Binta is gracious enough to do it.
India and Giah’s snaps are fine. Marissa and Coryanne are fine, although Coryanne does some more of that NY vs. LA whining she seems to be super into at the moment. Tatiana is great, but Tash is has some confidence issues. Kyle is her usual solid self, but Krislian is still trying to figure out ways to look allergic to sex and is super awkward doing it.
After the challenge, Rita announces that the winner will walk in an Italian runway show for her totally completely not made up super rich lingerie line, and the girls are stoked. It’s the best prize they’ve had so far. And the winner is…
COURTNEY! DJ Khaled was moved. Well, that makes sense. Simple men get moved by simple shit.
But ok, ok. BINTA IS PISSED. Like sobbing not because you’re sad but “because you’re so mad that you can’t beat the other person’s ass like you really want to” pissed. After all, she did help to make sure Courtney would have something good when Courtney was having a tantrum and it was her black skin that gave the contrast that made the Snap worthwhile. You can’t have “Ebony and Ivory” without the Ebony. But, really, Binta, you only have yourself to be mad at. You stepped out of your very well developed Bitchy Black Girl™ character just to be professional and you let yourself be used as a racial prop by the girl you hate most in the house. You’re only supposed to let production use you that way. Duh!
Binta plays cool in front of DJ Khaled and Rita, but when the models are on the limo ride home, Binta GOES OFF. Now, Binta is absolutely overreacting, because while she is a large part of the reason Courtney has won, there’s no guarantee that Binta would have won if Courtney hadn’t. Courtney didn’t take what was hers. But then Courtney does that super obnoxious thing that some girls do where she dismisses Binta’s legitimate frustrations as just jealousy. It’s the most insidious version of playing the victim. Courtney couldn’t have possibly done anything wrong to Binta, she was just minding her little old business when OUT OF NOWHERE this very jealous monster just started yelling at her. Vomit.
Back at the model house, Binta is still upset with the day’s events and the argument is still going, though it’s a lot more subdued now. And then all of a sudden Courtney and Tash are arguing. There’s a lot of talk about Karma and who’s going to get eliminated because they’re a bad person and ugh, it’s not even interesting anymore. There is a moment, however, where Courtney gives a direct to camera confessional dressed in a panda bear onesie. It takes a special kind of evil to swear revenge on your enemies in a panda onesie. The kind of evil that hides in eyebrows…
But pride goeth before the fall. Literally. The next morning, Courtney fell down the stairs, and, as she repeated over and over to any and everyone who would listen, hit her head and her back and hip and it really hurts. Ok. So anyone else think Courtney took a dive to get the house back on her side? It’s totally crazy, but, like, Courtney is totally crazy.
At this week’s photoshoot, Drew Elliot meets the girls and tells them that the shoot will actually be taking place at a Paper Magazine party later that night and the models will be their own photographers. They each have to pick a dress off the very limited rack in the venue. Courtney takes the dress that Cody tried to call dibs on, but Courtney doesn’t care that Cody is upset, nor should she. Courtney knows something that the other girls don’t seem to know—this is a competition. So like, yeah, Courtney seems like a miserable fucking person. In fact, it’s very likely that she is. BUT SHE’S A MISERABLE FUCKING PERSON WHO KNOWS HOW TO WIN. Get a grip, twin!
EMERGENCY! India can’t fit into the dress she picked from the rack, and needs to switch with one of the other models. India thinks to switch with Krislian, a smaller girl who took a free flowing caftain type dress. But Krislian doesn’t want to switch with India because she picked the purple mumu on purpose! She doesn’t want to be TOO SEXY, you know?
Oh, and after all that drama with Courtney, Cody, and the dress, the dress doesn’t even fit her. Tash thinks it’s Karma that has put Courtney in an ill-fitting dress and bandage on the day of the shoot. I mean, I guess? I can’t imagine that that bitch Karma is wasting her time putting pretty girls in bandages and ugly dresses just for the petty crime of swearing revenge whilst in a panda onesie, but what do I know?
At the party/photoshoot, the models have to create scenarios and photograph them in a way that tells an interesting story for Instagram.
Paige plays a super emo misfit model and, like, OF COURSE SHE WOULD. Courtney gets what looks like it’ll be a really good shot despite herself. Tara looks very pedestrian. Krislian thinks that being ugly on purpose will solve her problems of being too sexy. She’s super nervous about panel. I think that’s the right way to feel. Based on the amount of camera time she’s gotten this episode and all the overcorrecting, I think she’s going home.
At panel, Tatiana is Law’s favorite model. Her photoset is fun. Giah does well. Paige does super well and collects her compliments from the judges. But then the panel gets to Cody and embark on their favorite pastime—ruining her relationship with her twin sister. To explain her photo story, Cody says she doesn’t believe everyone when they say they are the life the party. It’s a true enough statement—it’s kind of difficult for you and twenty other people to all be the life of the party at the same time. But Drew takes her words and twists them into something else. Drew is acting as though Cody has said she has never been the life of the party, and feeds her the idea that it’s Tash’s fault for stifling her. I genuinely am very concerned for the state of their relationship after the show. They’re laying the groundwork for a BET remake of Whatever Happened to Baby Jane? , no?
Binta has an amazing photo. And well, Courtney does not. Courtney tries to explain it away with her falling down the stairs and pain, but Drew and Ashley Graham are not having it. They lay into her for her self victimization, and the other models are really enjoying it. Especially Tash, who isn’t smiling for long because she gets dressed down by the panel. Tash looks very pedestrian and Law is convinced she’s basic, which is surprising because all of the judges loved Tash a few weeks ago. Marissa does well enough and so does India. Kyle is surprisingly mediocre. Coryanne’s photo looks a lot like a woman who snuck into a party and took a picture with as many people as she could. She looks like a fan. And finally, Krislian KILLS IT. All this extra camera time was for a redemptive story arc.
Krislian has best photo. And the bottom two models are Coryanne and Tash. I’m all ready for Coryanne to have to leave, when Rita picks Coryanne to stay. WHAT?!
TASH IS THE ONE WHO GOT THE KARMA. Karma is one petty bitch. Not only did she get sent home after wishing for Courtney’s failure, she’s leaving the competition with a twin who has been incited to murder and a dumb haircut. Tough shit, babe.
Rae Sanni is a comedian and writer from Brooklyn, NY who has been bringing her unique perspective on everything from pop culture to race and gender relations to audiences all over. Rae co-hosts the monthly stand up comedy show LoudMouth!. You can find Rae on Twitter @Raesanni, where she muses on her love for Rihanna, NBA players, and being a black person.
