Fun
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Nostalgic
Intense
Adventurous
Choked Up
Curious
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Weird
If you watched The Bachelor‘s Season 21 premiere last night, you probably think you just watched Nick Viall embark on a reality-show quest to meet his wife and live happily ever after. But I know better. I know that last night was the first episode of a noir-esque, mystery programme entitled The Case of Nick’s Missing Likability. Thirty women, unknown to each other and their host, have been invited to a mansion in sunny Film Set, California, where Nick will conduct his investigation by taking the contestants out of the mansion one by one, both as individuals and in groups, to see how they behave in the wild.
One of these dames holds the key to Nick’s popularity, and to get it back, all he has to do is put a ring on her finger. But if he guesses wrong, he’ll be plunged back into Bachelor Nation purgatory, forced to clear his reputation one season of Bachelor in Paradise at a time. As an amateur Pop Culture Detective myself, I’ve tailed Nick to the Bachelor mansion, and settled in for a long season of surveillance, in hopes that I can spot the culprit before Nick does.
Roll tape.
There’s our guy, the “most controversial Bachelor in history”, showering his controversial body, removing his controversial shirt to jog through Chicago, and taking a controversial journey with us down memory lane. We see his heartbreak with Andi Dorfman and Kaitlyn Bristowe (although, to be honest, I don’t remember much of either, because of that unforgivable haircut), and learn that apparently, Nick wasn’t all that heartbroken by Jen Saviano, because there’s no sign of her in this intro clip. (Maybe she was accidentally erased in the same technical glitch that destroyed Juan Pablo Galavis, the actual most controversial Bachelor in history.) This is his fourth shot at love on a Bachelor show, although please don’t worry about remembering that statistic, because it will be drilled into your head by literally every face and mouth that appears onscreen.
Nick says it, the producers say it, his family says it, the women say it — even Sean Lowe, Chris Soules, and Ben Higgins say it, just underlining how absurd it is that they’ve been brought here to advise Nick, who’s done this now twice as many times as any of them and managed to be much more hated. He’s fully aware of the mystery in front of him, so let’s stop wasting time and get to the clues.
The fine profilers at ABC (weird spelling for FBI, but okay) have sent over a videotaped background check on ten of the most intriguing women this season; are they red herrings, intended to trip me up, or is one of these girls the one who will singlehandedly rehabilitate Nick’s image by agreeing to marry him on national television?
- SUSPECT 1: Rachel (pictured above). A work-hard, play-hard attorney from Dallas. Seems an ideal candidate, as her idea of unwinding is singing at the top of her lungs while vacuuming, and she’s ready for kids. Let’s keep eyes on this one.
- SUSPECT 2: Danielle L. I should be suspicious of this business-owner because of the high potential for #wrongreasons interplay, but she’s one of the few women this season who expresses actual interest in Nick besides wanting to bone him silly.
- SUSPECT 3: Vanessa. A spy, this woman is a spy. She speaks three languages, is drop-dead gorgeous, close with her family, has a job teaching special needs students, and seems to have her head on straight. Sometimes the simplest answer is the right one — she’s a spy and here to destroy us all, because no woman is this perfect.
- SUSPECT 4: Josephine. Claims to be a nursing student, but her outfit and stethoscope look like it came out of a costume bag, and I’m pretty sure I saw her slapping Nick in the preview. Downgrading her to a person of interest.
- SUSPECT 5: Raven. Another business owner, but I’m pretty sure we can look past it, because a Southern accent this strong would be great for Nick’s optics.
- SUSPECT 6: Corinne (pictured above). “My nanny Raquel,” is a real sentence that just came out of this 24-year old’s mouth. Please do not pursue this lead, Nicholas. This is not a lead.
- SUSPECT 8: Danielle M. She’s 31, so reasonably close to Nick’s age, she’s a neonatal nurse, she’s beautiful, she has a tragic past…I promised myself never to get involved in a case, but that’s her, Nick, that’s her.
- SUSPECT 9: Taylor. My detective instinct is giving me a weird read off her, I might need some backup in the field. She’s young, beautiful, obviously intelligent, and has an impressive job, but I’ve interviewed enough suspects to be able to trust my gut at this point. Something tells me she’s coming here for a break from her real life and not to find love.
- SUSPECT 10: Liz. Of all the offices in all the towns, she had to walk into mine. This girl has not only already met Nick, but already spent a night with him, after the two crossed paths at Jade and Tanner Tolbert’s wedding in February. I don’t think your former one-night stand holds the key to your image rehabilitation, but boy am I excited to see how this turns out.
SUSPECT 7: Alexis. You love to see a contestant whose family is over her shtick before she even makes it to the show. I’ll do a cursory background check just out of respect, because we’re name-twins, but I’m not expecting Alexis to be much of a move-and-shaker in this season.
And having been given that peek into our murder mystery guests, now Nick has to take a look at them face-to-face, to see if anyone jumps out of the lineup. And please, keep your eyes peeled. Every decision these women are about to make is immensely important, from their wardrobe choices to their ice-breaker bits to how long they maintain eye contact with our victim, Nick. Every single moment could be a clue, so I want you at your sharpest out there.
My years in the business have proven that the first girl out of the limo is usually someone the producers are excited about, so Danielle L. just earned herself a nice cozy, season-long spot under my magnifying glass.
And now just some quick notes on the other women. Elizabeth: forgot to say her name, remembered her full-on wedding dress. Rachel: a sports reference and a pun? A little heavy-handed, but I respect that. Christen: you’ve already thrown a fan and asked him how crazy he thinks you are, are you the new Lace? Taylor: completely validating those reservations I had earlier by immediately telling Nick her girlfriends think he’s a piece of shit. Lauren: really do want her to win at this point so they could be the Viall-Husseys. Sarah: I gotta admire the dedication to the “runner up” joke, and you know I have love for anyone who walks into a room and goes, “oh my god there’s food.” Jasmine G.: brought Neil Lane along as a joke, so the two of them could pick out rings together, except I don’t think jokes are supposed to feel this excruciating. Hailey: doesn’t know what a girl wearing underwear says, and Nick’s boner just drained all the blood out of his head, because he doesn’t even know how to respond. Astrid: speaks Sex German.
Annnnnd here comes the second limo. Because all of that was still the first one. And as befits my level of interest in her, Liz is the first one out. Gotta ask you girl, how many people do you think Nick has slept with if you’re not only confident but comfortable with him not remembering who you are? Especially because he fully does remember you, but just didn’t say anything because you were pretending like the two of you are strangers. And if he didn’t remember, were you just gonna go the whole season without saying anything until he picked you? I don’t know about this one; somebody pull her file for me.
And now we’re onto the third limo? Because Liz maybe had that one all to herself? Something is very fishy here. But I have no time to focus on that, because I have to jot down some thoughts about this next pool of suspects.
Corinne: almost positive her nanny Raquel made that hug token from scratch. Vanessa: making me wish that Nick had practiced some compliments before he came out here tonight, because she looks so much better than “great”. Danielle M.: she is all those things before and she brought you maple syrup that she let you suck off her finger, and she wants to do a French toast showdown with you. I will say again, this is her you found the clue. Raven: pig suey, which will be her code name for the rest of the season. Jaimi: has some balls. (And a ticket home tonight!) Susannah: very excited beard massage. Josephine: cold hot dog in a book.
And now I need to excuse myself, because a new lead is developing, and its name is Red Dress. Approximately every woman in the room is wearing one, but no one can figure out why, which is when it comes in handy to have an amateur detective on the scene — red is a sexy color, Nick is the only Bachelor who’s ever spoken openly about sex on the show, you’re trying to show him that you’re similarly sex-positive and down to pound. There you go. That’s also why Lacey rode in on an actual camel, but at least she knew that. Feels good to have solved my first case, but now back to the larger mystery.
Or no, first back to the limo, where we’ve saved the best for last: Alexis in a full-body shark suit that she will swear all evening is a dolphin. All. Evening.
From my stakeout position in my car with a bag of donuts, Nick looks like just a regular guy, but I gather that he must be much, much more attractive in person, because it’s all the women can talk about throughout the cocktail party. Except Liz. All she can talk about is how she already knows Nick and how that’s sure to give her an advantage. (Safe to say that she’s not a pop culture detective, with that lack of deduction skills.) Then Nick comes in, and he explains the interrogation techniques he’s going to use on the suspects, and what he needs from them during their interviews. Everyone just be normal and be honest, and you can walk out of her with a rose and your freedom.
As any good interviewer knows, you need to keep your subject talking, so Nick spends most of the Cocktail Party nodding and smiling as an incomprehensible flood of details, dancing lessons, compliments, arm touches, forced laughter, and bizarre bags of tokens floods by.
And then there’s Vanessa, who is saying so many of the right things that I’m going straight to the agency tonight to run her credentials. There’s no way this isn’t another undercover agent, like me, trying to get closer to the story. She didn’t even want to come on the show, because her friend said there was no chance that Nick would ever be the Bachelor, so that friend signed her up anyway and then he was, can you believe it?? And they almost kiss, but then My Nanny Raquel is back, pulling her Olivia Caridi moves and trying to get that villain edit.
But luckily, Nick sees right through her conniving, and gently rejects her ploy to kiss — NO NO HE DOES NOT. OPPOSITE. I don’t know if my radio’s down or what, but I’m shouting “mayday” in this guy’s ear, and getting no response. You are actively kissing this girl back, what’s up? That’s not the clue! The clue is in another mouth! Also I’m getting the first indications that Nick might not be a reliable witness, because to kiss back that extensively and then later say how uncomfortable you were — while possible — is maybe just the teeeeeensiest bit misleading for My Nanny Raquel.
And back at the party, Hurricane Insecurity has made landfall, with many of the women realizing that they haven’t had time with Nick yet, and if they have, they haven’t touched his lips with their lips, and they still blending into the background with this red dress, my god. He’s getting grabbed, stolen, pulled aside, and pursued around the mansion grounds by roving packs of women with one eye on Nick and one on the First Impression Rose. And both eyes crying, if you’re Jasmine G., who was the first to shed tears.
The only person who isn’t concerned is my girl Alexis, who is clutching a drink in her fins, doing “dolphin calls”, dancing, and fully wading into the pool still fully clad in her shark costume, and proclaiming throughout that she’s a dolphin. With gills. And shark teeth.
On the opposite end of the spectrum is Liz, who is swiftly discovering that not only does Nick remember her, but he might not be thrilled to see her. You don’t want my number at the wedding when we bone, but all of a sudden I’m the Bachelor and you’re getting on a plane to LA? If Nick Viall is throwing out a “wrong reasons” flag, then I’ll follow his lead. Just please keep her around long enough that I can see the reaction of the other ladies when they find out that he’s already been inside one of the women in their midst, masquerading as a stranger.
Although I’m going to immediately take that back, because mere moments after having a charming, bubbly conversation with Wife, which is the code name I’ll be assigning to Danielle M. from now on, he goes in search of Rachel, to give her the First Impression Rose. I’m sure she’s a lovely lady, but even she seemed surprised to receive it. Although of course, no one could be more surprised than Corinne. But he gives her her rose and her smooch, and then we’re off to the Lineup. Which, I guess this programme calls the Rose Ceremony, but we both know what he means.
Rachel is already safe, so in order, the remaining roses go to: Vanessa, Danielle L., Christen, Astrid, Corinne (does it smell like producers in here, or is it just me?), Elizabeth, Jasmine G., Raven, Kristina, who was having a literal meltdown on-camera assuming that she was going home, Danielle M., Sarah, Josephine (we gotta get that slap in!), Lacey, Taylor, Alexis, who almost admitted she’s a shark, Hailey, Whitney, Dominique, Jaimi (balls and all!), Britney, annnnnnnnd drumroll please…Liz. So she got a pretty solid slap on the wrist for being shady, but my intuition tells me that Nick wants to know more.
And that means Olivia, Angela, Lauren, Briana, Jasmine B., Ida Marie, Susannah, and Michelle are the unlucky eight who have to walk outside in broad daylight and cry in front of the camera about being rejected by a man they don’t know after staying up all night and drinking wine while they wait to talk to him. What a world. Back inside, Nick promises a season of wonderful adventures, Corinne pledges allegiance to the villain edit, and Liz doubles down on her secret.
And out front, with the sun coming up and my limbs stiff from the night of surveillance, I squint at the remaining women. She’s still here, somewhere. It’s definitely Danielle M., but something tells me that this client is going to be my stubbornest yet. In the preview for the rest of the season, I’m seeing a whole lot of Corinne, endless tears, and a bunch of indications that Nick completely mishandles the Liz revelation, so I don’t have the most faith in his abilities right now.
Until next week, gumshoes. Keep your ears to the ground.
MOST LIKELY TO: Get Catfished By A Literal Dolphin
HOW TO IDENTIFY IN THE WILD: Many of the women this season evince an inexplicable love for dolphins -- five out of thirty, in fact -- but none has embraced the playful mammal more than Alexis Waters. Not only does Alexis step out of the limo in a dolphin costume, but she also cites it as her favorite animal, and lists her occupation as "Aspiring Dolphin Trainer," which is the fanciest way yet that this show has come up with to say "unemployed." The 23-year old currently resides in Secaucus, New Jersey, the Dolphin Capital of These United States, but lists her proudest moment as when she "moved to Miami alone." Why am I suddenly suspicious that she was lured there by Flipper at a keyboard, tapping away about the life that they would share together?Photo: ABC
MOST LIKELY TO: Be A Store Mannequin Come To Life
HOW TO IDENTIFY IN THE WILD: This beautiful, 26-year old model is truly wild, listing her guilty pleasure as "desserts!" and licking the the popcorn bag once it's empty. When asked about the most outrageous thing she's ever done, the Greenville, South Carolina native answered, "Move 500+ miles away from home without family," and I fell straight down on the floor and haven't yet recovered. She can't live without "lip balm, water, hair tie, iPhone and most importantly -- my mom. :)", and would love nothing more than to never have to drive herself anywhere again, so she is definitely not a store mannequin come to life and doing her best imitation of a living breathing human woman.Photo: ABC
MOST LIKELY TO: Never Be As Interesting As Her Name
HOW TO IDENTIFY IN THE WILD: Astrid is 26 years old and hails from Tampa, Florida, where she works as a Plastic Surgery Office Manager. She's one of the five vanilla milkshakes who lists a dolphin as the animal she'd be if she could choose, and gives as her reason, "so I could rescue lost sailors and swim in the ocean doing tricks." In another question, about the fictional character she'd want to trade lives with, she chooses Ariel from The Little Mermaid "before legs," because she "would love to explore the ocean." Dare to imagine boats and swimming, Astrid, and until you have a fear that's slightly more original than "dying alone and just getting old and wrinkly," I'm going to have to mentally refer to you as "Ashley."Photo: ABC
MOST LIKELY TO: Be Two Tweens Under A Trenchcoat
HOW TO IDENTIFY IN THE WILD: This squeaky clean 28-year old is a Surgical Unit Nurse from Utah, and proximity to all those Mormons seems to have rubbed off on her. Two of her favorite movies are Zoolander and How To Lose A Guy In Ten Days, she uses the word "cute" more than once in her bio, three of the things she says she can't live without are socks, her water bottle, and chapstick, her favorite TV show is Friends reruns, and her guiltiest pleasure is a Big Mac meal from McDonalds. I don't know about you, but I have yet to hear something that convinces me this woman isn't just two middle-schoolers stacked on top of each other under a trenchcoat. Dare her to say a swear and see what happens.Photo: ABC
MOST LIKELY TO: Give You A Heart Attack
HOW TO IDENTIFY IN THE WILD: Aside from that ill-advised necklace, I couldn't find much about this 26-year old Travel Nurse to get riled up about. She's from Santa Monica, California, is afraid of snakes, likes camping, and admires Beyonce -- what's not to love? But why does her name sound so familiar? Oh my god. Is that Jordan Rodgers' ex-girlfriend who was mercilessly blowing him up on Instagram all season??? I will die. But no, it isn't. Turns out, they have the same name, but this isn't the same girl, and The Bachelor isn't throwing the massive dose of shade Jordan's way that you might've originally thought.Photo: ABC
MOST LIKELY TO: Be Detained By The Secret Service
HOW TO IDENTIFY IN THE WILD: Hi there, Christen. I notice that you're 25 and a wedding videographer from Tulsa, Oklahoma, and that's great and all, but I was hoping to talk to you about the fact that you managed to reference stealing the life of or stalking the President twice in one Bachelor bio. Do you have a moment to discuss that? Yeah first, if you said you could break any law without repercussions, you'd break into the White House and sleep in a storage closet for months, and then you said you'd want to be the President for the day because you're "so curious about what goes on back there." Just want you to know we're keeping an eye on you.Photo: ABC
MOST LIKELY TO: Add You On MySpace
HOW TO IDENTIFY IN THE WILD: At some point someone must have told this 24-year old aspiring model and self-proclaimed business-owner from Miami, Florida, that ya gotta have an internet presence, because she took that advice and has apparently never looked back. She has a page on both Model Mayhem and Explore Talent, where she lists her credits as follows: "I have worked on music videos with artists such as Pitpul, Akon, Acehood, DJ Kahled, and lil Jon, Two chainzz, and juicy j." Okay girl, let's talk about all this after your villain edit.Photo: ABC
MOST LIKELY TO: Be Here For The Wrong Reasons
HOW TO IDENTIFY IN THE WILD: This 27-year old small business owner from LA has distinguishing markings in the form of a lotus on the back of her neck and two butterfly tattoos, and should be kept away from one-on-one dates at all cost, as she's likely going on the show to promote herself and her business. It's a pretty dead giveaway when all of your favorite things are love-themed in some way: her favorite movies are Love Actually, A Walk to Remember, and The Notebook, and her favorite book is The 5 Languages of Love. But at the same time, she says if she were an animal, she'd be a fox, because they're "cunning and adaptive." I'm onto you, Danielle L. Nobody has eyebrows that on-point and no desire for the spotlight.Photo: ABC
MOST LIKELY TO: Be The Next Bachelorette
HOW TO IDENTIFY IN THE WILD: In a field of girls who are twenty-something and 5'5" and under, Danielle M. is both 5'10" and 31, and I'm immediately suspicious, because we don't deserve her. She's a neonatal nurse from Nashville, Tennessee, her favorite fictional character is Hermione from Harry Potter, and she has a tragic backstory -- her fiance died five years ago of a drug overdose. She's beautiful, Southern, and Nick would be a fool to pass her up, so he probably does, freeing her up to find love on her own terms on The Bachelorette. At least, that's what I'm crossing my fingers for.Photo: ABC
MOST LIKELY TO: Get Eliminated Night One
HOW TO IDENTIFY IN THE WILD: Don't get me wrong, 25-year old Dominique seems very cool, and I wish I lived in LA so we could be friends, but she's way too honest in her bio. She doesn't mention a "fairytale romance" once, instead acknowledging that she mostly meets guys via apps like Tinder and Bumble, lists her occupation as "Server" instead of something whimsical like "Indoor Plate Handler and Aspiring Magician" and twice admits that she eats burritos from Chipotle, when I think it's explicitly stated that all women must subsist on a diet of camera time and champagne in order to make it to Week Two. (You are allowed to eat your rose, assuming you're given one, but you have to do it off-camera and apologize to Chris Harrison right after.)Photo: ABC
MOST LIKELY TO: Forget To Go On Her Date Because She's Busy Communing With Nature
HOW TO IDENTIFY IN THE WILD: Leave it to a 29-year old doula from Las Vegas to have a quirky nickname like "Liz." Short for Elizabeth? Get out of here. Liz -- still can't get over it! -- is your average flower child, with eight tattoos, including a fish, a flower, an arrow, two trees, and a star, and name-dropped coconut oil in her bio just like you knew she would. She caught her sister's baby with her bare hands on the way out of her body, and I won't be surprised if the other women occasionally lose track of Liz in the backyard while deep in conversation with a particularly intriguing tree.Photo: ABC
MOST LIKELY TO: Join The Pen15 Club
HOW TO IDENTIFY IN THE WILD: I'm sure this 24-year old Marketing Manager from Dallas is perfectly intelligent, but there isn't a whole lot to her bio that convinces me she's going to remember we had this conversation. If she could be any celebrity, she'd choose "Kate Middleton or Britney Spears. Kate, because she's a princess, duh! Britney, because she's the queen, duh!" All I'm saying is maybe copy the Earth Science homework from somebody else, because Elizabeth -- not Liz, not ever Liz, that's an insane nickname -- can't muster up an achievement she's most proud of, instead answering: "Not just one thing. My life has been a journey of achievements that only I would appreciate." And here's how she answers the question of her favorite holiday: "I love Christmas -- food/dinner, Christmas Village. I would love it if my kids could go to my high school." Bless your heart.Photo: ABC
MOST LIKELY TO: Call Her Parents By Their First Names
HOW TO IDENTIFY IN THE WILD: Hailey claims to be a 23-year old photographer from British Columbia in Vancouver, Canada, but I'm almost certain she's actually a surly teen. First of all, there's that photo, in which she is actively judging me but won't admit it, and then there's some of these answers. She says she's not romantic, AKA "not into making out all the time and being sang to" and describes her phobias as follows: "I'm not into butterflies at all. Jumping bugs suck. Butterflies are a solid no for me though." Plus she has seven tattoos, including the word "Hank" on her forearm, which feels like something she did just to infuriate her mother and I.Photo: ABC
MOST LIKELY TO: Be Actively Working Through A Concussion
HOW TO IDENTIFY IN THE WILD: Your girl Ida Marie is a 23-year old Sales Manager from Harlingen, Texas, and I'm a little worried that she fell and bumped her head, so let me get all the way through this. First of all, her favorite snack is "Cheetos with a pickle," two things that make no sense together, and when I asked her her favorite animal, she said, "A giraffe, duh! They are beautiful." I do not understand why that is a "duh," Ida Marie. Maybe you are thinking of a different beautiful animal like a dove or a horse? She was also unable to name a single book or author that she enjoyed, and said strawberries are "sexual," so please just don't let her go to sleep, and I will say again that I think we should take her to the hospital.Photo: ABC
MOST LIKELY TO: Confuse Hand-To-Hand Combat With Love
HOW TO IDENTIFY IN THE WILD: Jaimi is a 28-year old chef from New Orleans, and although she's just 5'2," she says that if she wanted to impress a man, she says that "depending on how much bigger he is than me, I could bench press him with my legs. It's pretty exciting and surprising." Yes, that's true, in that I will be both excited and surprised if you bench press Nick with your legs and survive the Rose Ceremony. She also would choose to be a tiger, given the opportunity, and has a grenade tattooed on her body, so Nick is officially not ready.Photo: ABC
MOST LIKELY TO: Be Crushed Underfoot
HOW TO IDENTIFY IN THE WILD: Next to the dictionary definition of the phrase "unsuited for this" is a photo of this 25-year old Flight Attendant from Tacoma, Washington. She says she would want to be an owl because "they are the quietest," and speculates that an ex would say her three worst traits are "I'm too nice, I care too much what others think, and I get stressed easily." Oh that's so crazy, because those are the three things guaranteed to make you miserable in a televised house full of women all trying to date your boyfriend. Normally a name like Jasmine would help you stand out a little, but you're not even the only one on the show, so I've got nothing for you, head back to camp.Photo: ABC
MOST LIKELY TO: Be A Stowaway Who Saw The Show Was Filming And Sneaked On
HOW TO IDENTIFY IN THE WILD: No, I refused to believe that ABC cast someone as relatable as this 29-year old from San Francisco on their own. Jasmine G. had to have just shown up and convinced everyone she belonged there, because the girl is straight cool, and I refuse to accept it. That kind of Kaitlyn Bristowe lightning doesn't strike twice. Not only does Jasmine G. have a sweet job, in the form of being a dancer for the Golden State Warriors, but she also put together a dead-or-alive lunch that I would actually attend: RuPaul, Dave Chappelle, and Prince, serving pizza. She also calls herself the female version of Guy Fieri, fears open water, which is correct, and lists Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead as one of her favorite movies. Get sent home early so we can hang, Jazz. (Do you mind if I call you Jazz?)Photo: ABC
MOST LIKELY TO: Be A Conspiracy Theory Come To Life
HOW TO IDENTIFY IN THE WILD: If JonBenet Ramsey was alive today, she'd be 26, which is two years older than Josephine, an unemployed nurse from Santa Cruz claims to be, and call me crazy, but wouldn't she do her hair just like that, and wear that off-the-shoulder lace top, and that necklace? She says she "used to do musical theater in high school. Miss it sometimes." Which could be a veiled reference to her beauty queen days. She also says her greatest inspiration is her brother (Burke!!!!!) and says if she could be any fruit or vegetable, she'd want to be "something disgusting so nobody eats me!" And what is eating if not fruit-murder? Right? Right? (I am sorry, I will show myself out.)Photo: ABC
MOST LIKELY TO: Be The Queen Of Shade
HOW TO IDENTIFY IN THE WILD: Kristina has an interesting background, as this 24-year old Dental Hygienist from Lexington, Kentucky was one of four orphans that her parents adopted at a young age. It seems to have turned her into an independent and capable young woman, who is capable of throwing some intense shade masked in a very casual comment, so watch out ladies, or risk complete evisceration. When asked who her favorite fashion designer was, she said, "Myself. Sometimes if I can't find an outfit for an event, I would end up making my own," so nice try, established fashion designers, but Kristina will make her own, thanks. And the person whose life she would borrow for one day is, "My biological mother. I'd like to know what she was going through when I was young and if choosing alcohol over kids was worth it." Damn girl, that is ice cold and I love it.Photo: ABC
MOST LIKELY TO: Walk Off The Show
HOW TO IDENTIFY IN THE WILD: This Digital Marketing Manager may be only 25, but she's a Manhattan resident with a double degree in Political Science and Government and Middle Eastern Studies, so methinks she won't have much time for a player like Nick, or a format like The Bachelor. The girl says her family's approval is hugely important and that she's "never brought anyone home" before (um), that her biggest regret is "giving people third and fourth chances" (UM this is Nick's third chance at televised love), and that her biggest date fear is that "he's going on another date right after" (UM UM UMMMM LITERALLY THE DESIGN OF THE SHOW), so say your goodbyes now.Photo: ABC
MOST LIKELY TO: Spend The Entire Season Looking For The Other Lauren
HOW TO IDENTIFY IN THE WILD: Lauren is another of those rare beasts in this competition who are an appropriate age for Nick - she's 30 and a "Law School Graduate," which is, I assume, an empathetic way to say that she's still looking for a job as a lawyer. She seems like a perfectly reasonable human being, who enjoys mini golf, and the outdoors, but I'm guessing the most compelling part of her arc this season will be her search for the Other Lauren, suspiciously absent this year. I can just hear her now, moving from room to room muttering. "There always is one, where is she? Maybe in the pool? I'll get my suit."Photo: ABC
MOST LIKELY TO: Hide In Nick's Pocket On A Date
HOW TO IDENTIFY IN THE WILD: Michelle is one of the smallest creatures in all of Nick's Kingdom, so be sure to bring a pair of binoculars when you're hoping for a glimpse of her in the wild. This 24-year old Food Truck Owner from LA is just 5'1," making her just over a foot shorter than the 6'2" Nick Viall, but please don't be so close-minded as to think that this would make dating difficult. Instead, it means that the petite beauty can be a fly-on-the-wall on Nick's other dates, stowed carefully away in a backpack or a large teacup, free to absorb the content of their conversations and dazzle him with her knowledge of his likes and dislikes. Oh, won't the other women be jealous!!Photo: ABC
MOST LIKELY TO: Be The First To Cry
HOW TO IDENTIFY IN THE WILD: Olivia is a 25-year old Apparel Sales Representative from Nashville, Tennessee, and yeah, she'll be the kicker on your high school football team, but she'll also start crying so hard during a maid of honor speech gone wrong that she'll have to completely "stop the speech and sit down," so it sounds like it's a mixed bag. Her favorite author is Nicholas Sparks because she's "a hopeless romantic," and she's most afraid of "spiders and not being able to find love." Two things known to proliferate in vast California mansions, so I'm betting we get to the waterworks right out of the gate. Or some...football metaphor. I'll let you add your own.Photo: ABC
MOST LIKELY TO: Be Having A Quarter-Life Crisis
HOW TO IDENTIFY IN THE WILD: Be very still, because we've spotted another rare bird over 30. Rachel is 31 and a lawyer working out of Dallas, Texas, and it feels like she woke up yesterday and realized that her very impressive life has come at a cost: LOVE. Almost every answer reminds us that she is very old and will soon die, alone of course, and that this is her last chance. The chance her favorite artist Jean-Michel Basquiat didn't get because he died so young! Her biggest regret is "Focusing too much on my career" and her biggest fear is "That I've missed out on my chance at finding love," so please god (Nick) take pity on this intelligent, successful, articulate young woman -- sorry, old hag -- because the Reaper is at the door and he wants to come in.Photo: ABC
MOST LIKELY TO: Wear You As A Skin Suit
HOW TO IDENTIFY IN THE WILD: I don't have a good reason for you, but I don't trust Raven. The basics are that she's 25 and a Fashion Boutique Owner from Hoxie, Arizona, but she is looking straight at me and OH GOD SHE WANTS MY MARROW, DON'T LET HER TAKE MY MARROW!! Her favorite actor is Brittany Murphy, and she very ominously adds, "(when she was alive). I loved her spirit!," which doesn't make me feel at all that she was somehow involved in her death. She also says she has no fear of aging, which can only mean she means to consume the youth of the other women in the house. Please let me go, Raven Gates. Do not kill me and scatter my bones.Photo: ABC
MOST LIKELY TO: Have Fallen Out Of Her Own Romcom
HOW TO IDENTIFY IN THE WILD: I don't want to alarm anyone, but I'm confident this 26-year old Grade School Teacher from Newport Beach, California is a fictional Nicholas Sparks character. She literally quotes him in her choice for which animal to be: "A puppy! Or, if you're a bird, I'm a bird right? :)," and don't think I didn't see that emoji, girl. Real humans can't make their voices do that, how did you do that? She also moved to New York City with two bags and basically zero money, and the most romantic thing anyone's ever given her is "a star named after me, just like in A Walk to Remember because I hadn't told him I liked that, he came up with it." In the margins of this script is the note, "Too many tropes! See me!!" written in red pen.Photo: ABC
MOST LIKELY TO: End All Her Sentences With A Question Mark
HOW TO IDENTIFY IN THE WILD: You know that thing where all your sentences go up at the end? I think it's called uptalking? And like, you kind of always sound a little bit apologetic? I don't know. Well sorry if this is really forward, but I kind of think this 26-year old account manager from San Diego is maybe an uptalker? Ugh this is so stupid, I just sort of noticed that like, even answering questions, she would clarify them? Like for a fictional character: "This may be extra girly, but I would want to be Ariel. She's a mermaid! Plus she has amazing hair and a seashell bra." And then her guiltiest pleasure is maybe a little bit confusing to her? Like tell me if I'm off-base! But she said, "Buying expensive shoes or not expensive shoes. I just love shoes." I don't know, maybe I'm crazy? Was just wondering, LMK what you think!!!"Photo: ABC
MOST LIKELY TO: Get Wrecked At The Rose Ceremony
HOW TO IDENTIFY IN THE WILD: Reading through the bio of this 23-year old Mental Health Counselor from Seattle feels like reading a yearbook entry for an 18-year old with senioritis. Her "favorite clothes designer" is Forever 21, and her tricks for impressing a man are "1) Be myself 2) Be open and authentic 3) Look bomb," so keep an eye on your man, because Taylor's parents let her have boys over with the door closed. Her job sounds pretty intense, and the most outrageous thing she's ever done is streaking, so let's pop some Smirnoff Ices and I'm giving Taylor 3...2...1...until she jumps into the pool in her underwear. It's about to be that kind of party.Photo: ABC
MOST LIKELY TO: Last Way Longer Than You Think
HOW TO IDENTIFY IN THE WILD: The wild Vanessa is a tricky beast, and care should be taken in her tracking. At first glance, the bio of this 29-year old Special Education Teacher from Montreal, Canada was devoid of all mentions of love or sexy quips, which is what we call a Red Flag in the industry. Hashtag wrong reasons. Her three best attributes are "My personality, my drive to succeed and work hard, my patience," of any of the fruits and vegetables, she'd be an onion, for the very practical reason that "they're a staple item and can be found all year round," and even says that she doesn't really have a type of guy she's drawn to, but that "but a great smile is definitely necessary." At first it seemed like she wasn't invested in the process, but now I'm thinking it's a good thing she isn't as falling-over-herself desperate as the other girls. Kind of reminds me of Nick's temperament, to be honest, so that's interesting.Photo: ABC
MOST LIKELY TO: Marry Someone Much, Much More Rich And Famous Than Nick Viall
HOW TO IDENTIFY IN THE WILD: Whitney is a 25-year old Pilates instructor from Chanhassen, Minnesota, and looks like someone who cartoon birds help get dressed in the morning; this is not a girl who ends up with a reality show also-ran. And she knows it. Whitney idolizes Giselle Bundchen because of her modeling career and power-couple marriage to Tom Brady, and says if she could be any animal, she'd be "An eagle because I can see life from a different perspective," so she's perfectly aware she'll be looking down on all of us soon. Oh and she "doesn't live life with regrets," so I have a feeling that she's already plotted The Bachelor as one rung in a ladder she needs to climb to get to something better. Godspeed, third wife of Tom Cruise, godspeed.Photo: ABC
Alexis Rhiannon (@mindtheclam) is a freelance writer and comedian who grew up in Portland, Oregon, and is now located in New York City. Her interests include reality television, bar trivia, pop culture conspiracies, and someday cleaning her apartment. She can be seen monthly at the improvised show Live Dubbed Sitcoms at Videology in Williamsburg.
