So THAT Happened: Zack Morris Sold Perv Pics Of His Classmates On ‘Saved By The Bell’

Like many preteens who spent their childhood Saturday mornings devouring Cinnamon Toast Crunch while flaunting an unruly mane of bedhead, I grew up idolizing Zack Morris. Who among us didn’t want to repeatedly outfox our principal, date the most attractive person in school, and inexplicably possess the ability to freeze time? But here’s the thing, and this isn’t exactly earth-shattering news: Zack Morris is a five-star creepazoid.

This hypothesis is elevated to fact during Saved by the Bell’s Season 3 episode “Model Students,” which is now streaming on Hulu. I’m well aware of the Bell’s tenuous relationship with both reality and morality, but this particular episode is B-A-N-A-N-A-S. In “Model Students,” high school rascal Zack Morris asks genius robotics guru Screech Powers to sneak into the school pool and snap illicit photos of the swim team. Unconscionable, right? Hold onto your hat because there’s one more stop on this morally corrupt train. Zack then turns said photos into a Girls of Bayside swimsuit calendar, which he then mass produces and sells at the student store. The same student store he recently stole from a gaggle of nerds. That’s right, a gaggle of neeeeeerds!

Fun fact: This episode is rated TV Y7, which means it’s intended for children age seven and older. The more you know.

Jessie, Lisa, and Kelly discover Zack’s treachery and boy oh boy are they peeved about it.

Who exactly is Zack’s cardboard cutout connection? It’s already been established that he owns a cutout of Kelly, so who’s this mystery person, and why are they not asking some very important questions? First question: Why do you need a cardboard cutout of your female classmate? Second question: No, seriously, dude. Why?

Outraged, the girls decide to report Zack’s duplicity to an adult. Evidently, they couldn’t find one, so they instead inform Mr. Belding. That’s it, right? Zack is going to be expelled and prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law? Nope. Here’s where things get weird(er). If you’re watching this episode on Hulu, Mr. Belding unequivocally reprimands Zack at the beginning of the scene.

“Zack, I want every one of these calendars recalled and destroyed.”

Nice try, Hulu. I’m sure you fooled many a Saved by the Bell novice, but I’ve been continually watching the Bell and having a very limited social life for DECADES. Hulu cut a small but pivotal intro section of the scene (you can find it here at the 8:34 mark) that you may find interesting:

Mr. Belding: Zack, it was a good idea to get business, but you had no right to do this.
Jessie: This calendar is exploitive and cheap. 
Zack: Hey, it’s not cheap. It’s five bucks!

“It was a good idea to get business?” What?! WHAT?! No, Richard Belding. No. It was decidedly not a good idea to get business! I’d expect this kind of behavior from Rod Belding but not you. So how high up does this cover-up go? To the tippy top. That’s right: IMDB. Per their “summary” of the episode:

“After a heated debate about the school calenders [sic], a photographer decides to use Jessie, Lisa, and Kelly in a photo shoot where Kelly is chosen as the winner of a contest that’ll make her famous in France.”

Nope. Not at all an accurate description of this episode. Am I the last beacon of truth in a corrupt nation? Am I like George Clooney, a hero underdog rallying against a crooked system in a movie I haven’t seen but am 98% sure exists? At this point, let’s all just agree that I’m the Bob Woodward of Saved by the Bell journalism and listen to the majestic theme song so we can all downshift back to neutral.

If you think this episode can’t get any more bonkers, you clearly don’t know your Tori the cool biker girl from your Artie the dead chameleon. Moments later, a Creep Photographer from the very real sounding Teen Fashion magazine stumbles into Belding’s office and is so impressed by Zack’s criminal calendar that he wants to do a photo shoot with Kelly, Jessie, and Lisa. They obviously reject this notion and demand justice.

Just kidding! They’re 100% in!

Zack’s capital letter CRIME is ignored and the girls frolic off to take part in the most unimaginative photo shoot in history, which features such exotic locations as the student store, The Max, and five steps outside Mr. Belding’s office! I joke, but the highly erotic results speak for themselves.

Like all great modeling jobs that stem from unlawful peeping, this one is a success! So much so that Creepy Photographer announces that he plans to select one lucky girl to travel to Paris with him to appear on the cover of the (probably renowned) anniversary issue of Teen Fashion. The pessimist in me asks “Anniversary of what?,” but the optimist in me wonders if this could be the big break Kelly, Jessie, and Lisa have dreamed about for the past two minutes of Saved by the Bell time. He selects Kelly, which of course worries Zack.

At no point does anyone run a background check on Creepy Photographer, whose only fashion credential appears to be “owns a camera.”

“If Kelly goes to Paris, she’ll forget about me forever. I gotta find a way to make her stay,” Zack says to the camera WITHOUT calling time out. At full volume. Literally right next to everyone at The Max. But nobody hears him, presumably because he’s cool.

Adding “worst boyfriend ever” to his ever-expanding checklist of deplorable traits, Zack manipulates Kelly into feeling guilty about leaving Bayside for a month, so she quits her two day long dream of becoming a fashion model. Creepy Photographer — who at this point I’m 90% sure is a semi-pro kidnapper — implores Zack to reconsider.

Creepy Photographer: Hey look, kid. Kelly’s a very special girl. You like her a lot, don’t you?
Zack: Yeah.
Creepy Photographer: Then why not let her choose her own path? I have a feeling it’ll lead back to you anyway.

I agree. Most high school relationships in which one person unapologetically attempts to destroy their partner’s dream end with “and they lived happily ever after.”

Zack confesses this specific transgression to Kelly but doesn’t bother to apologize for that whole “illegally taking skeevy pics and selling them to her classmates” fiasco. Such is young love, I suppose. Kelly forgives Zack, decides to travel to Paris to become a famous model, the gang surprise her with a makeshift going away party, and everything wraps up rather nicely. You see, in the end what’s most important in life is… wait a minute. NO. NO! Zack Morris sold unauthorized bathing suit snaps of his classmates and it was like the sixth most important part of “Model Students.”

There’s no bell large enough to save me from the unrelenting insanity of this episode.

Watch this classic 'Saved by the Bell' episode on Hulu