‘The Bachelor’ Recap, Season 21 Episode 2: The Case Of Bang Doula And The Big Secret

I don’t want to mince words, gumshoes, but where have you been? Normally, when we let a trail go cold for a full week, we lose all trace of the culprit. But luckily, Nick is working just as hard as we are to determine which of the twenty-two remaining women have made off with the most valuable commodities on the black market right now — Nick Viall’s likability. As soon as Nick finds the woman that’s got it, word around the station is that he’s going to propose on the spot, and I mean to be there when he does. So get comfortable, because we have another long night of surveillance ahead of us. Roll tape.

Inside the innocuous-looking mansion, the mysterious figure Chris Harrison gathers the women, announcing that this week will comprise three dates total, including two group dates and the coveted one-on-one. My ears prick up instantly; our first clue of the night. Not since Arm Lawyer got the First Impression Rose last week have we gotten such a clear indicator of who Nick is considering his top suspects, so I won’t let this clue slip through my fingers. Meanwhile, Chris Harrison is advising the women that because there are so many of them, it is “physically impossible” for all the girls to get dates this week. So, he says, looking almost directly into My Nanny Raquel’s eager, glistening eyes, “When you do get time, take advantage of it.” My last day on the force, two days from retirement, and you gotta set this agent of destruction loose in my city? I knew the moment I set eyes on her that she wasn’t The One, but I have a feeling she’s gonna stick around for at least another couple weeks to distract from our investigation. So just keep a close eye on your firearm and don’t make any false moves.

The first date consists of My Nanny Raquel herself, as well as Vanessa, Sarah, Alexis, Hailey, Lacey, Britney, Jasmine, Raven, Danielle L., Taylor, and Elizabeth W. The clue on their card is “Always a bridesmaid…”, which immediately inspires My Nanny Raquel to inform us that she’s never actually been a bridesmaid. And as a hard-boiled detective, I’m like — “Ya doy, girl. I know this thing about you.” As the women trot happily across the lawn toward Nick for the group date, it becomes clear that jean cutoffs are the Red Sex Dresses of this date, but everyone’s quickly changed out of them, because we’re doing a photoshoot, and the theme is: Kiss Nick When He Doesn’t Want You To! No I’m sorry, it’s: Understanding Consent In The Modern Age. Ah no, excuse me, neither of those is right, and it’s: Just Like Different Kinds Of Weddings Or Whatever.

They have a wedding photographer, and while most of the women will be dressed up as brides across a variety of themes, some will be just bridesmaids. Yellow death face emoji. I did not come on this show to be a bridesmaid in some other woman’s weird, fake, wedding-photos-on-the-first-date pictures. It’s an atmosphere rife with tension, and it gives My Nanny Raquel plenty of opportunity to find more empty ears to pour the story of her having kissed Nick already into. Which, if you can believe it, leads to an environment where everyone is — I think the technical term is — desperate for dem lips. They got a hardcore lip thirst.You got a shotgun bride, an 80s bride, a Vegas elopement bride, a princess bride, and many more, and they’re all desperately trying to lay lips on Nick, in a way that’s honestly uncomfortable to watch.

And at the top of my list of heebie-jeebies causers? Why, My Nanny Raquel of course, who, because she was the first to kiss Nick (did you hear?) and first on the date card, finds a reason to utter the phrase, “I’m just full of number ones.” She make-a the pee-pees all day long. As the beach bride, she assumes she’s going to have the sexiest outfit of the day, which is a valid assumption, considering that as Beach Bride, she’s wearing a bikini top and sarong, but she forgot to account for the well-known trope of Adam and Eve Bride, which was assigned to Brittany, who strolls back into the group of women literally topless wearing a leaf bikini. Oh sure.

Everyone is doing their photoshoots with Nick, and they’re doing them fully in front of the other mimosa-clutching women, which is fine, this is all fine. People are snagging kisses off a face that patently wants none of it, which I can see even through my television screen, and it’s getting My Nanny Raquel more and more amped. She can’t watch anymore people swap spit with the guy she was previously so proud to have been the only one to make out with, so she has to take it to the next level, and do something else that no one has done. And no one else has worn Nick as a hand bra in a pool during a photoshoot in front of every single one of the other women, so she does that. You knew she was gonna take off her top, because she couldn’t stand to be outdone by anyone who doesn’t have a professional caretaker as an adult woman, but this is really beyond. In all my years on the force, I don’t think I’ve ever seen a villain edit quite like this one, and it’s only Week 2. But producers are clearly willing to milk this for everything it’s worth, because the wedding photographer chooses Corinne as the winner of the challenge, meaning that she’s the one he felt Nick had the most chemistry with during their shoot. Hard to argue with the technicalities of that decision when her literal boobs were in his hands moments before, but the women are not happy.

Back at the mansion, you can tell just by looking at her that Liz is aching to get into an interrogation room and reveal her true identity as Bang Doula. She’s sitting around watching women talk about their connections with Nick, and it’s obvious she wants to spill her guts so bad. I wish Chief would give me more man-hours, so I could devote someone to sitting down and taking her testimony, but with all the cuts in our department, they can’t afford my OT, so we’ll have to hope she finds someone to dish to without my help.

Brimming with white-hot rage at My Nanny Raquel’s ill-gotten victory, the group date ladies are off to their second location of the evening to throw elbows and their search for one on one time with our hero. And if you thought that My Nanny Raquel had made her big moves for the night and was about to hang back for the evening, you don’t know this tornado, because she swoops in first to steal him away, and even tells the camera, “I’m already falling for Nick.” Woof doggy. He tells her he likes her initiative during their one-on-one time, but if that’s true, then he should really tell his eyebrows when she’s pulling him in for a kiss, because they always get halfway up his forehead.

I try to come into these group dates with an open mind, and I’m surprised to say that after observing them for a bit, my chiefest suspect is actually Raven. I don’t even have a nickname for her yet, because this came so out of left field, but girl is speaking truth to mumbles, and calling Nick out on his bullshit, which is something that he seems to enjoy as much as I do. (Suspect he would also enjoy getting his balls stepped on, which is neither here nor there.) But Raven is this down-to-earth, straight-talking Southern truth-teller, and I am newly obsessed with her. During this date alone she had gems like, “is everything bad that i’ve heard true about him?” and worrying that he was setting a precedent that the way to get his attention was to “pop your tits out,” and there was palpable chemistry between the two of them, which I hadn’t seen since Night One with Vanessa.

Back at the mansion, the second date card has arrived, and it might as well just say MAI WIFE across the front of it, because it’s for neonatal nurse Danielle M., who is I’m pretty sure the perfect woman, and if Nick doesn’t marry her, I will. Someone in the house who is very excited for Mai Wife to go on her one-on-one, and certainly not lying about it at all, is Bang Doula, who might need to hire a doula for those veneers, which are doing their best to crown past those lips no matter how hard she tries to calmly clench them closed and pretend it’s fine that other women are going on dates with her now-famous one night stand.

And at the group date, My Nanny Raquel just wants to watch the world burn, as she gets up to interrupt Nick’s time with Sharklexis, whose body is outside of a ridiculous costume for the first time in the forty-eight hours that she’s spent in Film Set, California. Be careful, girl, you are playing a dangerous game here.

Something that I do appreciate about these conversations, though, is that Nick is actually talking about real things. I feel like so often on these shows, any opportunity for face-to-face time results in just rehashing the events of the day, and talking about how fun the things they already did together were, so it’s nice to see him actually delving into romantic histories, and talking to Taylor about her Masters degree and her schooling and oh my god CORINNE. I’m using your Christian name, because I need your full attention. You cannot come stalking over here and interrupt a girl to go for your THIRD HANG of the night. You cannot. Except of course she does, because Nick doesn’t say no, nor will he, to anyone, at all tonight, even though his face is screaming it loud and clear. But My Nanny Raquel fucked with the wrong one, because Taylor has a literal Masters degree in psychology, and even though she’s younger than Raquel, she refuses to rise to her baiting. The Wrong One comes back to reinterrupt My Nanny Raquel (bizarrely, she is furious), to get the rest of her time, and when Raquel tries to bring it up later, The Wrong One is like a slippery ice rink where her blond ass can’t get any purchase. She’s trying to start drama, and The Wrong One is just watching her do it with a little smile. As she says herself, she’s met girls like this before, and they are not her friends.

Also, quickly — two notes I jotted down about Corinne during this segment: “is she drunk?” and “KABBALAH STRING I SEE YOU”. Both possible clues, need followup.

And right after delivering an insane locker room pep talk to the girls on how this is going to be uncomfortable and they all need to get used to it, My Nanny Raquel gets the group date rose. So she’s safe this week. I know Nick’s lips didn’t choose that on her own, so I smell heavy producer involvement here. And My Girl Raven smells straight-up bullshit, saying in her talking head interview, “No wonder it’s his fourth time. That’s really mean but it’s true.” Damn dude, are you free later? Because I’d like to treat you to a stale donut and a cold cup of coffee.

The next morning, I was expecting to see My Nanny Raquel be on the outs with all the women, after that bizarre, inappropriate performance, but there’s Lacey all comfy-cozy on the couch next to her. Lacey, are you wanting to be friends with My Nanny Raquel? Or are you just trying to absorb her powers? I think it’s the latter, because Lacey’s personality is slowly leaching away in her interviews as she despairs over what type of woman Nick would like. It’s definitely not her, she seems to have decided already, having spent almost no time with him, so whose personality traits should she absorb. Today, apparently Corinne’s. “I just wanna kiss him again right now,” says My Nanny Raquel. “Me too,” echoes Spongelace Squarelace. “I wish I had my camel back so I still had a thing.”

The only bright light of this episode so far is that everyone in the house loves Mai Wife as much as I do, including Nick, who allows her to gently rest her hand on his as they land their helicopter on the deck of a yacht, where they’re going to spend their day.

Back at the mansion, Bang Doula is ten-centimeters dilated, and she needs someone to help bring her secret into this world. Bizarrely, she chooses that Miley Cyrus-looking girl, Christen, and I have no idea why. It’s all over this girl’s face that she’s A. full of judgement and B. wants to immediately run into the mansion and tell everyone there about Bang Doula’s history with Nick, but I guess these women have a near-universal case of face blindness, because Bang Doula seems not to notice, and cries on Miley’s shoulder all about it. On at least three occasions, apparently, based on all the outfit changes. Miley Shoulders is shocked, which she shows by aggressively twirling her hair and writhing her eyebrows.

All I can tell you about Nick’s date with Mai Wife is that everything is perfect and he should just choose her now, because she is the clue. At dinner, the two of them feel so relaxed and easy around each other that Mai Wife opens up, telling Nick about her past in response to him sharing his experiences with Andi Dorfman and Kaitlyn Bristowe. She shares that she was engaged herself, about five-and-a-half years ago, but her fiance died of a drug overdose, and she was the one who found him. Without even knowing he was an addict, which must have been an incredibly overwhelming thing to experience, I can’t even imagine. The two go on a Ferris wheel together, making out a whole bunch, and Nick describes their connection as “profound”. She gets the rose. (Duh.)

The final date is for Christen, Josephine, Astrid, Jaimi, Kristina, and Liz, and says, “We need to talk,” because you guys, they do!!! The only thing I’ve been reminded of more times than the fact that this is not Nick’s first time looking for love on television is the fact that he and Bang Doula have a history, so I can’t wait to see how it blows up in everybody’s face that Nick and Bang Doula and Miley Shoulders are both going on the same date. Perfect. They go to the Museum of Broken Relationships, which I was so ready for someone to jokingly refer to as Nick’s apartment, but no one did it and now I’m sad. One of the displays is a rose from one of Nick’s previous seasons, with the engagement ring he picked out with Neil Lane, but I don’t care about anything anymore now that my pun was ignored, and I can’t be cheered up. The only thing that can get my attention back is the high potential for awkwardness in this next activity: a symposium on The Art of the Breakup, when each girl needs to get up in front of a group and break up with Nick, whom they’ve only just met. Or, that’s the official activity planned for the date; Nick has planned another one, and it’s called Avoid Liz At All Costs. I do understand why it’s such a bummer for her, and I wouldn’t want to be in her same situation, but truthfully, I’m glad to see him finally acting on one of his instincts. I don’t know if it’s because he trusts her a little more because the two know each other in real life, but I was relieved to see Nick avoiding a situation he wasn’t interested in. It’s the first time this season that I’ve seen him do that; the rest of it has just been a swirling kiss-storm of unwanted and unaddressed affection.

So by the time Bang Doula takes the stage for her breakup with Nick, she’s gotten almost no time with him, which is a dangerous combination in this particular Bang Doula. In her performance, she tells the actual, written downversion of her relationship with Nick, in front of everyone. It is somehow even more awkward than White Chicks making physical contact with Nick when she slapped him during hers. And there apparently isn’t time in the schedule for Bang Doula and Nick to address the fact that she just aired their secret in front of a bunch of other women he’s trying to date at the same time, so sure, let’s go on to the second half of the date. What could possibly go wrong?

But weirdly, a bunch goes right. Somehow, while I was distracted with My Nanny Raquel getting Janet Jackson-ed, Nick seems to have found a hidden cache of likability and stocked up, because everything he is saying about this Bang Doula situation feels right on the money. He didn’t mean to be keeping it from the women, he said, he was just giving her the same consideration that he hoped she was giving him, and refusing to talk about it with anybody until they got the chance to communicate about it. He says he doesn’t want to get off on the wrong foot with any of these women, the way you could if you started things out with a lie or an omission like, “I have met none of these women before, except for the one I’ve been inside of.”

Most of the one-on-ones, Nick monologues over, saying how he’s distracted thinking about the Bang Doula stuff, which isn’t fair to the other women, but we do get to see Jaimi’s confident reveal that she’s had a relationship with a woman, which I thought was well handled both on her part and by Nick.

Finally, it’s time for Nick to have a conversation with Miley Shoulders, whom he’s feeling out to see how much she knows about the bang doula thing. And once again, I’m surprised to report that I really appreciate the way he’s handling it — he doesn’t lie or deny anything. Hearing that word is starting to spread, he wants to get ahead of it and tell the other women, BUT FIRST he wants to talk to Bang Doula to find out if she’s just using their past connection to get on TV. And what quickly becomes clear is that the answer to that question is a resounding “yes”. Bang Doula doesn’t have satisfying answers to any of his questions, instead trying to put the onus back on Nick to make some big play for her number or her affections, when he had already asked for the former and been turned down. He said he mentally said goodbye to her that day, and once he realizes he’s not getting what he wants from this conversation, he physically says goodbye to her on this day. (Zing.) So she’s gone, but she’s left a lasting legacy, and now Nick has to tell the rest of the house what went on, and why he kept it from them, and if the preview for next week is any indication, the house. Is. reeling. Nick is afraid some of the women will leave, and while I don’t think it will go that far, he certainly has some questions he needs to answer.

So I’m sorry that we have to end the episode without a lineup, but there’s only so long that we’re entitled to hold these girls without formally charging them, so come back next week as we help Nick narrow down the pool of suspects yet again. Even though this could all be over in a moment if he just opened his eyes to how perfect Mai Wife is. MAI WIFE.

Alexis Rhiannon (@mindtheclam) is a freelance writer and comedian who grew up in Portland, Oregon, and is now located in New York City. Her interests include reality television, bar trivia, pop culture conspiracies, and someday cleaning her apartment. She can be seen monthly at the improvised show Live Dubbed Sitcoms at Videology in Williamsburg.

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