Fun
Frisky
Nostalgic
Intense
Adventurous
Choked Up
Curious
Romantic
Weird
Previously on America’s Next Top Model: People are pretty, the judges are mean, and 10 models continue on in a competition that has just crushed the dreams of a girl who thought she was too country to go to college. RIP Giah.
Kyle is feeling bummed out about having been in the bottom two, and longs for the comfort of a partner. She’s very attracted to Marissa, as she sees something in Marissa that she doesn’t see in herself. Psst! Hey Kyle. It’s joy. Marissa actually likes stuff.
Paige, in like, the most Paige move out there, is complaining to the women that were in the bottom about how awkward it was for her to watch them be in the bottom. Krislian is still fighting to not be sexy, especially now after Rita’s display last week. She knows very well that no one on the panel sees it for her.
Marissa and Kyle are flirting heavy. Kyle is nervous about Marissa’s young age, but Marissa in unfazed. Marissa doesn’t believe love has a gender, and can fall for anyone. This pairing actually seems super sweet, and I think I like this pairing. I would like it even more if Kyle was getting close to Marissa just to get herself an edge in the competition, but this is America’s Next Top Model and not Days of Our Lives, so a hum drum romance it will be.
The next day, plus sized super model and judge Ashley Graham visits the girls with a bunch of food in tow. That probably isn’t shade on the part of the producers, but it totally feels like shade. Wait, they have her talking about eating right, and making a kale centered meal? Yeah. That’s shade.
In the kitchen, Krislian takes the opportunity to have a one on one where they have a superficial conversation about the trappings of being too sexy. There’s a weird editing thing where it sounds like Krislian talked about being victimized, but “harassed” is somehow the word that gets into the edit. Bizarre. The moment is super sweet, but then Ashley is all like, “you’re so beautiful, tell your story!” which, according to Article 3b of the Reality Television Editing Guidelines, that means Krislian is totally getting eliminated, and will have to tell her story on Instagram.
The models sit down to dinner where Ashley goes through the motions of being the girls’ mentor and the Super Cool Judge TM. Ashley dares Kyle to wear heels to panel, which is fun. Ashley smacks Marissa on the ass, which is also fun. Ashley is FUN! Fun, fun, fun! You know! FUN!
But fun is an ephemeral pleasure in this house of models, and our Bitchy Black Girl TM Binta decides soon after dinner to announce herself. Binta is disgusted by just how dirty the house is. The girls split up some of the chores, but Binta, as she herself admits, gave herself the hardest job in mopping, and gets angry with the other girls for not cleaning as much as she. Now, as a woman who once had three dude roommates, I know very well the frustrations of being the only decent human in a house full of animals. BUT. You can’t volunteer to clean, give yourself the hardest chore and then get mad when people don’t clean with you. The reasonable thing to do would be to ask everyone else to clean with you–assign tasks if the girls really are as incompetent as they see–, and then get frustrated if they fall short. Maid martyrdom is so played.
Binta, not finding herself being sufficiently praised for her noble chore doing, starts to pick at Tatyana about hair being all over the place, which seems an oddly targeted charge given the presence of like nine other women in the house with hair. Binta nags and nags, and finally Tatiana loses it.
You know what’s a good way to decompress from the tensions caused by a fight? Hooking up! Marissa and Kyle find a room off in the house, where they kiss. It’s sweet.
The next morning, the women meet up with SUPER FUN Ashley Graham who has put together a SUPER FUN trampoline shoot for the models to do. The models will have exactly one shot at getting a good photo. This is a useless challenge wherein no one takes a pretty picture, but the winner of the challenge is Paige, who wins a 90 minute deep tissue massage — a prize she can share with one other girl. Paige chooses to share her massage with Tatiana and the two gossip about Marissa and Kyle.
The show was getting entirely to feel good and sweet with all the romance and stuff, and so the next scene is a quick pickup of some of the models picking apart their bodies. Cody wants a six pack but can’t get one, and someone else wants to be more toned. Le sigh.
Ritalert! This week’s photoshoot is going to be boxing related. The next morning, the models arrive at Gleason’s Boxing Gym, where they will be doing a high fashion boxing shoot. But! A surprise! Supermodel (like, actually) Chanel Iman walks in. She will be the sparring partner in each model’s photo. That’s actually pretty cool, and the models are just as excited at the prospect of being in a Chanel Iman shoot as I would be.
Tatiana does super well on her shoot, and Binta hates it. Coryanne does well, as does Courtney, despite her dumb cornrows. Binta does well, too. Marissa wows everyone with her attitude and enthusiasm. Kyle sucks, though, and blames it on being distracted by her crush on Marissa. Oh, lord. We’ve stumbled upon a tragic romance. These lovers are more doomed than Antony and Cleopatra. Krislian is awkward as hell in her shoot. India does fine. Cody kills it, which is to be expected, as she has been practicing her technique for when she finally gets home and murders her sister.
Back at the house, Kyle shoots her shot, telling Marissa, “I wanna fuck you.” This somehow angers Marissa, who then lays into Kyle for being super needy. Oh poor, Kyle. I know what Marissa’s doing. It’s that whole bask in the attention from someone that you’re not super into, but when things get too serious pretend to be mad and pick a fight to create distance thing. It’s so childish, and kind of embarrassing but, I’m ashamed to say, it always works.
Kyle doesn’t understand what has just happened, though, and Courtney, the hirsute devil, suggests reasonably that Kyle separate herself for the night. Kyle, though, insists on talking things out with Marissa, who instead of asking for space, now lashes out at Courtney.
At panel, Cody’s shot is incredible. The judges aren’t impressed with Courtney’s “cold face” in a boxing shoot. Kyle is wearing heels at panel as she had been asked, but her shoot was horrible. Marissa’s photo is fun. Tatyana turns out a good shot, as does Paige. Binta does well, but Law is becoming bored with her. India gets lost in her photo. Krislian falls short. Literally. She’s short. And looks it. Coryanne has an amazing shot.
Coryanne has best photo. She beats Cody by a hair. The bottom two girls are Kyle and Krislian. Kyle receives her photo, and so Krislian, the not super compelling girl who isn’t in a lesbian love affair gets sent home by producers. She handles it like a champ though, because she will soon go home to Instagram, where being a super hot, super shot sexpot is the best thing a woman can be.
Rae Sanni is a comedian and writer from Brooklyn, NY who has been bringing her unique perspective on everything from pop culture to race and gender relations to audiences all over. Rae co-hosts the monthly stand up comedy show LoudMouth!. You can find Rae on Twitter @Raesanni, where she muses on her love for Rihanna, NBA players, and being a black person.
