Fun
Frisky
Nostalgic
Intense
Adventurous
Choked Up
Curious
Romantic
Weird
I don’t know how long you’ve been at this kind of work, kid, but this is the time in every case when the guy you’re investigating really starts to grind your gears. I don’t know how many times I can go back to brass upstairs with shirtless photos of Nick Viall being reluctantly French-tongued by the blond bird and still insist that he’s looking for a wife, but it isn’t my job to second-guess the subject. It’s my job to find this missing likability, which one of these women has secreted away in her cleavage or her tasteful clutch or her string bikini, and return it to its rightful owner — Nick. And against all odds, amidst the cloying scent of Reddiwip®, I came away from this week with a genuine, actual person of interest: Vanessa. This girl is going to the end, and so are we, so get comfortable and train your eyes on that house, because My Nanny Raquel is in rare form this week, and Chief will have my ass if we miss a single frame of her antics. Corinne doesn’t have enough likability to cover herself, let alone bring Nick back from the brink of reality TV exile, but we have to make that case to the toughest critic of all — Nick’s boner — so every second of footage helps.
Roll tape.
We pick up right at the end of last week’s case, The Case of Bang Doula and the Big Secret, in full cliffhanger, as Nick reveals to the women of the house that not every attendant of this murder mystery party was what she seemed. One of the guests had a — gasp! — particularly sinister connection to young Nicholas and his magic penis, having met him “at Jade and Tanner’s wedding,” a phrase that I hope you did not include in your drinking game, because if you did, you are currently alcohol-poisoned. There was a lot of buildup for Nick dropping this particular bomb on the women, and I thought it might be an opportunity to collect some clues about which women are good under pressure, and might like to rush into a hasty engagement, and which are normal ladies who will inevitably be driven mad by this insane situation. But as it turns out, all that really happens is we get to learn everyone’s “you’re dead meat but I’m on camera” faces, and watch as Nick goes on a Tour of Contrition throughout the backyard.
The consensus seems to be, “I knew you were a fuckboi when I walked in the door, but please don’t be a fuckboi again before Fantasy Suites, or I will go off the damn rails.” Which, frankly, is pretty valid.
But like all things in this environment, this mature reaction doesn’t extend all the way to My Nanny Raquel; she has a very different response. Heavy with the knowledge that Nick has been carnal with someone who doesn’t run a multimillion dollar company, My Nanny Raquel lurches down the stairs in what she’s calling a trench coat, and not much else, toting a can of Reddiwip® and looking to fuck some shit up. She finds Nick, of course, because heat-seeking missiles always do, and plies him with can-fresh mouthfuls of room-temperature whipped cream, the cooling treat that every man wants on a stagnant evening in Film Set, California. Somehow, her complete disregard for Nick’s boundaries seems to have broken some of them down, and he seems more enthusiastic about kissing her this time around, and even gamely eats a few curls of of Reddiwip® — “it’s actually very good, please buy it!” — off of her 24-year old bosoms. And this is apparently enough to convince My Nanny Raquel that they are about to take things to the next physical level not only in the backyard, in full view of the girls, but on camera, so she’s shocked and devastated when Nick ends the interaction and allows himself to be taken aside by the next girl wanting to talk to him.
So shocked and devastated, in fact, that she truly can’t get over it. She goes upstairs to cry to The Mole, and cries so hard that she goes to sleep and literally sleeps through the Rose Ceremony. It’s fine, technically, because she already has a rose, but as if you needed more proof that she’s not The Clue, Nick, the girl legit can’t stay on her feet for a full evening. And she’ll prove many more times this episode, so keep your bone down and your eyes on the prize and stop fretting over how the women are reacting to Corinne (badly) and whether he’s validating her behavior (yes). When you’ve been doing this kind of casework for as long as I have, Nick, you learn that the simplest answer is often the best one.
Getting roses at this ceremony are Astrid, who’s as surprised as I am to hear herself called first, Taylor, aka The Wrong One, Pilates Whitney, Kristina, who’s so far distinguished herself only by having a full-on meldtown before each Rose Ceremony, Danielle L., Rachel, Vanessa, Raven, Jaimi, Dominique, Sarah, Shark Week, Brittany, White Chicks, and Jasmine, who no longer has to go by a last initial, because her name twin went home. That means going home is Hailee, the girl from the first night who wasn’t wearing panties, and Lacey, who rode in on a camel and who I knew as The Mole for her willingness to be a listening ear for the ticking time bomb that is Corinne. And finally, Yellow Dress is going home. Best of luck to you, Yellow Dress, whoever you are. We hardly knew ye.
And now, having wrapped up what we should’ve finished last week, it’s time to hand out that date card, and Chris Harrison has never been so excited. He seems like he’s like to go on this date himself — instead of Danielle L., Miley Shoulders, Princess Meltdown, Pilates Whitney, The Wrong One, Jasmine, and My Nanny Raquel, who are actually going — and that’s no surprise, since it’s performing onstage with the literal Backstreet Boys, who come flooding into the room to make sure everyone gets a chance to hug Brian Littrell and wonder about that little scrap of hair on the back of his head. They tell the women to dress comfortably, and we’re off, and I just have to say that if someone doesn’t make a joke about Nick also being “back”, just like Backstreet’s back, I’m gonna need somebody’s job.
This date seems tailor-made to tickle My Nanny Raquel right in the ego spot, as we discover that this group will be dancing with BSB in front of 500 people, while the boy band decides who has the best chemistry with Nick. “Are you a dancer?,” says My Nanny Raquel, to professional cheerleader Jasmine. “Where you been, sleeping?” she flings back. I like Jasmine. But without the full glare of the spotlight being focused directly on her, Corinne swiftly slides into a tantrum, running off to cry in the bathroom. And with The Mole sent back down to tunnel her way home, someone else has to go comfort My Nanny Raquel. I don’t know if the producers are offering these women more per diem or what, to pretend to be her friend, but there’s Pilates Whitney, nodding patiently alongside My Nanny Raquel as she blubbers, even though I’ve never seen them exchange words before. Meanwhile, Danielle is out there getting as good at the dance as Jasmine is at saying, “Where is Corinne?”, and she wins a slow dance with Nick in the middle of the stage, complete with smooches. Annnnnd you don’t have to be a detective to predict that this sets off My Nanny Raquel, who starts issuing extremely rational responses like, “I’m falling behind,” and, “This was the worst day in my life.” Cool cool cool cool cool.
I’m looking forward to Nick giving her a talking-to during their one-on-one, after she pulls him aside first, but all he does is thank her for apologizing for sleeping through the Rose Ceremony (still not over that), and they’re back to these agita-inducing lunge-kisses. Ugh, it’s too stressful, I can’t watch. But I also can’t take my eyes off it, like a car accident. Corinne gets another nap, and Danielle L. gets the group date rose, Nick’s hands all over her butt, and my full attention as a potential heavy-hitter in this game.
Back at the house, the one-on-one date card is being delivered, and it has an unsurprising name on it: Vanessa. She gets to go up into space in one of those zero gravity jets to vom in a bag, and I honestly don’t have much to say about this part, because I was so shocked by how perfect the energy was between them that I didn’t write much down. He was kissing her on the forehead, caring and solicitous when she got sick, and trying to make her laugh with goofy antics while they were floating around the cabin. They couldn’t keep their hands off of each other, even while Vanessa was yakking. I know I’m supposed to be a hard-boiled detective, but I smiled like a maniac during this entire date; it made me want to get a few whiskeys in me and call my bitch ex-wife Dolores to reconcile.
At the mansion, Rachel, Shark Week, Astrid, Jaimi, Sarah, Brittany, and Dominique are being invited on a date card with the clue “I’m done playing the field,” and everyone’s pumped for athletics. These ladies can’t wait to get out on the field and tear each other up.
On the second half of their date, Nick is pretty obviously trying to impress Vanessa, which feels like a very good sign. “This is the tallest building in LA,” he intones, as they walk out onto its roof. They talk about Nick’s time on the show, which she’s seen very little of, although his connection with his mother stuck with her. Apparently Vanessa’s grandfather died just before she came on the show, and now she feels like he’s with her during this experience. She also wants to know why Nick would put himself through this process again, which is also how I feel when explaining to normals why I watch this show, but she gets a very revealing and surprisingly self-aware statement out of Nick, who says that he’s back because he felt something really strong for each of the women he’s been connected to — except Jen Saviano, LOL — and it’s left him second-guessing himself a little bit. “It makes me wonder if I can trust my own emotions in this atmosphere,” he says, and then sheds actual human tears about how optimistic his date with Vanessa has left him. I flatter myself that I’m a snarky, rotten person, but this is truthfully hard to watch, because I want it for myself. She gets the rose. (Duh.)
As these animals suspected, the group date is an athletic activity, with Olympic athletes structuring a “Nickathlon”, with Nick-themed competitions like long jump, high jump, and the 100-meter dash. All you need to know is that Astrid wore the wrong bra, that Jaimi won my heart with a quip about Shark Week — who knew that little booger was so athletic?, and that Dominique is swiftly unraveling. She came into the date with a good attitude, but this is her first time hanging with Nick, and the more obvious how behind the other girls she is as far as a physical connection, the more up in her head she gets. While Astrid wins a competition for bounciest boobs and gets to soak them in a hot tub while making tub smooches with Nick, Dominique is questioning everything. Which is really a shame, because she seems like a cool girl, and her makeup is tight.
Rachel takes Dominique aside to try to pump her up a little bit, and Dominique seems like she might be getting a second wind and making a comeback, but then she sees Nick and Ms. First Impression Rose herself swapping spit and she feels like she has to say something. In their one-on-one time, Dominique accuses Nick of not giving her a chance, which is simultaneously incredibly accurate, as he hasn’t made an effort with her hardly at all, and incredibly unrealistic, as there were literally seven women on this date. Nick hears her out, which I appreciate, and basically validates her concerns by saying their relationship isn’t where the others are, and sending her home. Rachel gets another rose to add to her garden.
The next day, everyone is stressing about the Cocktail Party, only to find out that there won’t be one, because Nick already knows what he wants to do. Instead, there will be a pool party, which is basically the same thing, just without the high heels and standing around all night. I’m on board. Especially because it gives me another opportunity to experience Shark Week, who is swiftly becoming my favorite person on this season. One thing I’m sure of with her is that she isn’t actually into Nick — she just seems happy to be there. She’s saying all the things in person that I’m saying from a distance, so I’m nearly convinced at this point that she’s a Pop Culture Detective herself. She successfully noticed Dominique going into her “full-on spiral,” noted that “these girls are going crazy” over the Bang Doula news, and says about the pool party — “there’s a bunch of horny girls in the house, so I don’t know how this is gonna go”. She’s my eyes and ears (and name) in the house, and I don’t want to ever let her go.
Especially because she turns out to be right. The women are all over Nick, in all his bare-chested finery, and there isn’t really anywhere to hide, so if you’re getting physical with our hero, it’s a safe bet that every other woman in the house can see and/or hear you. And yes, I’m really just talking to you, My Nanny Raquel. She’s has the dude on his back, straddling him in a bounce house with no roof, next to a real house with yes roof, which gives the women a perfect vantage point to see her feverish humpings.
And from that point, the pool party takes a turn, just as Shark Week knew it would. Suddenly, every conversation that Nick gets pulled aside to have is about Corinne, and how Nick’s continued encouragement of her behavior is making them start to question his intentions with them. Raven fills him in on the whole “nanny” thing — watching Jasmine find out about My Nanny Raquel this week was a true highlight — and the episode ends with some very real talk from my new hero Vanessa, who’s busting out phrases like, “why would you do something like that?” and “I’m not judging Corinne, I’m judging your actions,” “I question what your intentions are,” and finally, “Are you looking for a wife or just someone to fuck around with?” Yes. Girl.
Make as many excuses as you want about how you thought you saw your likability fall into the bounce house, or down Corinne’s tube top, but this is not the fiancee you seek, Nick. My gut instinct tells me he knows he has to send her home soon, and now it’s just a question of how many of these real contenders get fed up and walk off the show first.
Get your head in the game, Nicholas. We’re losing time, and I can’t go back to brass empty-handed.
MOST LIKELY TO: Get Catfished By A Literal Dolphin
HOW TO IDENTIFY IN THE WILD: Many of the women this season evince an inexplicable love for dolphins -- five out of thirty, in fact -- but none has embraced the playful mammal more than Alexis Waters. Not only does Alexis step out of the limo in a dolphin costume, but she also cites it as her favorite animal, and lists her occupation as "Aspiring Dolphin Trainer," which is the fanciest way yet that this show has come up with to say "unemployed." The 23-year old currently resides in Secaucus, New Jersey, the Dolphin Capital of These United States, but lists her proudest moment as when she "moved to Miami alone." Why am I suddenly suspicious that she was lured there by Flipper at a keyboard, tapping away about the life that they would share together?Photo: ABC
MOST LIKELY TO: Be A Store Mannequin Come To Life
HOW TO IDENTIFY IN THE WILD: This beautiful, 26-year old model is truly wild, listing her guilty pleasure as "desserts!" and licking the the popcorn bag once it's empty. When asked about the most outrageous thing she's ever done, the Greenville, South Carolina native answered, "Move 500+ miles away from home without family," and I fell straight down on the floor and haven't yet recovered. She can't live without "lip balm, water, hair tie, iPhone and most importantly -- my mom. :)", and would love nothing more than to never have to drive herself anywhere again, so she is definitely not a store mannequin come to life and doing her best imitation of a living breathing human woman.Photo: ABC
MOST LIKELY TO: Never Be As Interesting As Her Name
HOW TO IDENTIFY IN THE WILD: Astrid is 26 years old and hails from Tampa, Florida, where she works as a Plastic Surgery Office Manager. She's one of the five vanilla milkshakes who lists a dolphin as the animal she'd be if she could choose, and gives as her reason, "so I could rescue lost sailors and swim in the ocean doing tricks." In another question, about the fictional character she'd want to trade lives with, she chooses Ariel from The Little Mermaid "before legs," because she "would love to explore the ocean." Dare to imagine boats and swimming, Astrid, and until you have a fear that's slightly more original than "dying alone and just getting old and wrinkly," I'm going to have to mentally refer to you as "Ashley."Photo: ABC
MOST LIKELY TO: Be Two Tweens Under A Trenchcoat
HOW TO IDENTIFY IN THE WILD: This squeaky clean 28-year old is a Surgical Unit Nurse from Utah, and proximity to all those Mormons seems to have rubbed off on her. Two of her favorite movies are Zoolander and How To Lose A Guy In Ten Days, she uses the word "cute" more than once in her bio, three of the things she says she can't live without are socks, her water bottle, and chapstick, her favorite TV show is Friends reruns, and her guiltiest pleasure is a Big Mac meal from McDonalds. I don't know about you, but I have yet to hear something that convinces me this woman isn't just two middle-schoolers stacked on top of each other under a trenchcoat. Dare her to say a swear and see what happens.Photo: ABC
MOST LIKELY TO: Give You A Heart Attack
HOW TO IDENTIFY IN THE WILD: Aside from that ill-advised necklace, I couldn't find much about this 26-year old Travel Nurse to get riled up about. She's from Santa Monica, California, is afraid of snakes, likes camping, and admires Beyonce -- what's not to love? But why does her name sound so familiar? Oh my god. Is that Jordan Rodgers' ex-girlfriend who was mercilessly blowing him up on Instagram all season??? I will die. But no, it isn't. Turns out, they have the same name, but this isn't the same girl, and The Bachelor isn't throwing the massive dose of shade Jordan's way that you might've originally thought.Photo: ABC
MOST LIKELY TO: Be Detained By The Secret Service
HOW TO IDENTIFY IN THE WILD: Hi there, Christen. I notice that you're 25 and a wedding videographer from Tulsa, Oklahoma, and that's great and all, but I was hoping to talk to you about the fact that you managed to reference stealing the life of or stalking the President twice in one Bachelor bio. Do you have a moment to discuss that? Yeah first, if you said you could break any law without repercussions, you'd break into the White House and sleep in a storage closet for months, and then you said you'd want to be the President for the day because you're "so curious about what goes on back there." Just want you to know we're keeping an eye on you.Photo: ABC
MOST LIKELY TO: Add You On MySpace
HOW TO IDENTIFY IN THE WILD: At some point someone must have told this 24-year old aspiring model and self-proclaimed business-owner from Miami, Florida, that ya gotta have an internet presence, because she took that advice and has apparently never looked back. She has a page on both Model Mayhem and Explore Talent, where she lists her credits as follows: "I have worked on music videos with artists such as Pitpul, Akon, Acehood, DJ Kahled, and lil Jon, Two chainzz, and juicy j." Okay girl, let's talk about all this after your villain edit.Photo: ABC
MOST LIKELY TO: Be Here For The Wrong Reasons
HOW TO IDENTIFY IN THE WILD: This 27-year old small business owner from LA has distinguishing markings in the form of a lotus on the back of her neck and two butterfly tattoos, and should be kept away from one-on-one dates at all cost, as she's likely going on the show to promote herself and her business. It's a pretty dead giveaway when all of your favorite things are love-themed in some way: her favorite movies are Love Actually, A Walk to Remember, and The Notebook, and her favorite book is The 5 Languages of Love. But at the same time, she says if she were an animal, she'd be a fox, because they're "cunning and adaptive." I'm onto you, Danielle L. Nobody has eyebrows that on-point and no desire for the spotlight.Photo: ABC
MOST LIKELY TO: Be The Next Bachelorette
HOW TO IDENTIFY IN THE WILD: In a field of girls who are twenty-something and 5'5" and under, Danielle M. is both 5'10" and 31, and I'm immediately suspicious, because we don't deserve her. She's a neonatal nurse from Nashville, Tennessee, her favorite fictional character is Hermione from Harry Potter, and she has a tragic backstory -- her fiance died five years ago of a drug overdose. She's beautiful, Southern, and Nick would be a fool to pass her up, so he probably does, freeing her up to find love on her own terms on The Bachelorette. At least, that's what I'm crossing my fingers for.Photo: ABC
MOST LIKELY TO: Get Eliminated Night One
HOW TO IDENTIFY IN THE WILD: Don't get me wrong, 25-year old Dominique seems very cool, and I wish I lived in LA so we could be friends, but she's way too honest in her bio. She doesn't mention a "fairytale romance" once, instead acknowledging that she mostly meets guys via apps like Tinder and Bumble, lists her occupation as "Server" instead of something whimsical like "Indoor Plate Handler and Aspiring Magician" and twice admits that she eats burritos from Chipotle, when I think it's explicitly stated that all women must subsist on a diet of camera time and champagne in order to make it to Week Two. (You are allowed to eat your rose, assuming you're given one, but you have to do it off-camera and apologize to Chris Harrison right after.)Photo: ABC
MOST LIKELY TO: Forget To Go On Her Date Because She's Busy Communing With Nature
HOW TO IDENTIFY IN THE WILD: Leave it to a 29-year old doula from Las Vegas to have a quirky nickname like "Liz." Short for Elizabeth? Get out of here. Liz -- still can't get over it! -- is your average flower child, with eight tattoos, including a fish, a flower, an arrow, two trees, and a star, and name-dropped coconut oil in her bio just like you knew she would. She caught her sister's baby with her bare hands on the way out of her body, and I won't be surprised if the other women occasionally lose track of Liz in the backyard while deep in conversation with a particularly intriguing tree.Photo: ABC
MOST LIKELY TO: Join The Pen15 Club
HOW TO IDENTIFY IN THE WILD: I'm sure this 24-year old Marketing Manager from Dallas is perfectly intelligent, but there isn't a whole lot to her bio that convinces me she's going to remember we had this conversation. If she could be any celebrity, she'd choose "Kate Middleton or Britney Spears. Kate, because she's a princess, duh! Britney, because she's the queen, duh!" All I'm saying is maybe copy the Earth Science homework from somebody else, because Elizabeth -- not Liz, not ever Liz, that's an insane nickname -- can't muster up an achievement she's most proud of, instead answering: "Not just one thing. My life has been a journey of achievements that only I would appreciate." And here's how she answers the question of her favorite holiday: "I love Christmas -- food/dinner, Christmas Village. I would love it if my kids could go to my high school." Bless your heart.Photo: ABC
MOST LIKELY TO: Call Her Parents By Their First Names
HOW TO IDENTIFY IN THE WILD: Hailey claims to be a 23-year old photographer from British Columbia in Vancouver, Canada, but I'm almost certain she's actually a surly teen. First of all, there's that photo, in which she is actively judging me but won't admit it, and then there's some of these answers. She says she's not romantic, AKA "not into making out all the time and being sang to" and describes her phobias as follows: "I'm not into butterflies at all. Jumping bugs suck. Butterflies are a solid no for me though." Plus she has seven tattoos, including the word "Hank" on her forearm, which feels like something she did just to infuriate her mother and I.Photo: ABC
MOST LIKELY TO: Be Actively Working Through A Concussion
HOW TO IDENTIFY IN THE WILD: Your girl Ida Marie is a 23-year old Sales Manager from Harlingen, Texas, and I'm a little worried that she fell and bumped her head, so let me get all the way through this. First of all, her favorite snack is "Cheetos with a pickle," two things that make no sense together, and when I asked her her favorite animal, she said, "A giraffe, duh! They are beautiful." I do not understand why that is a "duh," Ida Marie. Maybe you are thinking of a different beautiful animal like a dove or a horse? She was also unable to name a single book or author that she enjoyed, and said strawberries are "sexual," so please just don't let her go to sleep, and I will say again that I think we should take her to the hospital.Photo: ABC
MOST LIKELY TO: Confuse Hand-To-Hand Combat With Love
HOW TO IDENTIFY IN THE WILD: Jaimi is a 28-year old chef from New Orleans, and although she's just 5'2," she says that if she wanted to impress a man, she says that "depending on how much bigger he is than me, I could bench press him with my legs. It's pretty exciting and surprising." Yes, that's true, in that I will be both excited and surprised if you bench press Nick with your legs and survive the Rose Ceremony. She also would choose to be a tiger, given the opportunity, and has a grenade tattooed on her body, so Nick is officially not ready.Photo: ABC
MOST LIKELY TO: Be Crushed Underfoot
HOW TO IDENTIFY IN THE WILD: Next to the dictionary definition of the phrase "unsuited for this" is a photo of this 25-year old Flight Attendant from Tacoma, Washington. She says she would want to be an owl because "they are the quietest," and speculates that an ex would say her three worst traits are "I'm too nice, I care too much what others think, and I get stressed easily." Oh that's so crazy, because those are the three things guaranteed to make you miserable in a televised house full of women all trying to date your boyfriend. Normally a name like Jasmine would help you stand out a little, but you're not even the only one on the show, so I've got nothing for you, head back to camp.Photo: ABC
MOST LIKELY TO: Be A Stowaway Who Saw The Show Was Filming And Sneaked On
HOW TO IDENTIFY IN THE WILD: No, I refused to believe that ABC cast someone as relatable as this 29-year old from San Francisco on their own. Jasmine G. had to have just shown up and convinced everyone she belonged there, because the girl is straight cool, and I refuse to accept it. That kind of Kaitlyn Bristowe lightning doesn't strike twice. Not only does Jasmine G. have a sweet job, in the form of being a dancer for the Golden State Warriors, but she also put together a dead-or-alive lunch that I would actually attend: RuPaul, Dave Chappelle, and Prince, serving pizza. She also calls herself the female version of Guy Fieri, fears open water, which is correct, and lists Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead as one of her favorite movies. Get sent home early so we can hang, Jazz. (Do you mind if I call you Jazz?)Photo: ABC
MOST LIKELY TO: Be A Conspiracy Theory Come To Life
HOW TO IDENTIFY IN THE WILD: If JonBenet Ramsey was alive today, she'd be 26, which is two years older than Josephine, an unemployed nurse from Santa Cruz claims to be, and call me crazy, but wouldn't she do her hair just like that, and wear that off-the-shoulder lace top, and that necklace? She says she "used to do musical theater in high school. Miss it sometimes." Which could be a veiled reference to her beauty queen days. She also says her greatest inspiration is her brother (Burke!!!!!) and says if she could be any fruit or vegetable, she'd want to be "something disgusting so nobody eats me!" And what is eating if not fruit-murder? Right? Right? (I am sorry, I will show myself out.)Photo: ABC
MOST LIKELY TO: Be The Queen Of Shade
HOW TO IDENTIFY IN THE WILD: Kristina has an interesting background, as this 24-year old Dental Hygienist from Lexington, Kentucky was one of four orphans that her parents adopted at a young age. It seems to have turned her into an independent and capable young woman, who is capable of throwing some intense shade masked in a very casual comment, so watch out ladies, or risk complete evisceration. When asked who her favorite fashion designer was, she said, "Myself. Sometimes if I can't find an outfit for an event, I would end up making my own," so nice try, established fashion designers, but Kristina will make her own, thanks. And the person whose life she would borrow for one day is, "My biological mother. I'd like to know what she was going through when I was young and if choosing alcohol over kids was worth it." Damn girl, that is ice cold and I love it.Photo: ABC
MOST LIKELY TO: Walk Off The Show
HOW TO IDENTIFY IN THE WILD: This Digital Marketing Manager may be only 25, but she's a Manhattan resident with a double degree in Political Science and Government and Middle Eastern Studies, so methinks she won't have much time for a player like Nick, or a format like The Bachelor. The girl says her family's approval is hugely important and that she's "never brought anyone home" before (um), that her biggest regret is "giving people third and fourth chances" (UM this is Nick's third chance at televised love), and that her biggest date fear is that "he's going on another date right after" (UM UM UMMMM LITERALLY THE DESIGN OF THE SHOW), so say your goodbyes now.Photo: ABC
MOST LIKELY TO: Spend The Entire Season Looking For The Other Lauren
HOW TO IDENTIFY IN THE WILD: Lauren is another of those rare beasts in this competition who are an appropriate age for Nick - she's 30 and a "Law School Graduate," which is, I assume, an empathetic way to say that she's still looking for a job as a lawyer. She seems like a perfectly reasonable human being, who enjoys mini golf, and the outdoors, but I'm guessing the most compelling part of her arc this season will be her search for the Other Lauren, suspiciously absent this year. I can just hear her now, moving from room to room muttering. "There always is one, where is she? Maybe in the pool? I'll get my suit."Photo: ABC
MOST LIKELY TO: Hide In Nick's Pocket On A Date
HOW TO IDENTIFY IN THE WILD: Michelle is one of the smallest creatures in all of Nick's Kingdom, so be sure to bring a pair of binoculars when you're hoping for a glimpse of her in the wild. This 24-year old Food Truck Owner from LA is just 5'1," making her just over a foot shorter than the 6'2" Nick Viall, but please don't be so close-minded as to think that this would make dating difficult. Instead, it means that the petite beauty can be a fly-on-the-wall on Nick's other dates, stowed carefully away in a backpack or a large teacup, free to absorb the content of their conversations and dazzle him with her knowledge of his likes and dislikes. Oh, won't the other women be jealous!!Photo: ABC
MOST LIKELY TO: Be The First To Cry
HOW TO IDENTIFY IN THE WILD: Olivia is a 25-year old Apparel Sales Representative from Nashville, Tennessee, and yeah, she'll be the kicker on your high school football team, but she'll also start crying so hard during a maid of honor speech gone wrong that she'll have to completely "stop the speech and sit down," so it sounds like it's a mixed bag. Her favorite author is Nicholas Sparks because she's "a hopeless romantic," and she's most afraid of "spiders and not being able to find love." Two things known to proliferate in vast California mansions, so I'm betting we get to the waterworks right out of the gate. Or some...football metaphor. I'll let you add your own.Photo: ABC
MOST LIKELY TO: Be Having A Quarter-Life Crisis
HOW TO IDENTIFY IN THE WILD: Be very still, because we've spotted another rare bird over 30. Rachel is 31 and a lawyer working out of Dallas, Texas, and it feels like she woke up yesterday and realized that her very impressive life has come at a cost: LOVE. Almost every answer reminds us that she is very old and will soon die, alone of course, and that this is her last chance. The chance her favorite artist Jean-Michel Basquiat didn't get because he died so young! Her biggest regret is "Focusing too much on my career" and her biggest fear is "That I've missed out on my chance at finding love," so please god (Nick) take pity on this intelligent, successful, articulate young woman -- sorry, old hag -- because the Reaper is at the door and he wants to come in.Photo: ABC
MOST LIKELY TO: Wear You As A Skin Suit
HOW TO IDENTIFY IN THE WILD: I don't have a good reason for you, but I don't trust Raven. The basics are that she's 25 and a Fashion Boutique Owner from Hoxie, Arizona, but she is looking straight at me and OH GOD SHE WANTS MY MARROW, DON'T LET HER TAKE MY MARROW!! Her favorite actor is Brittany Murphy, and she very ominously adds, "(when she was alive). I loved her spirit!," which doesn't make me feel at all that she was somehow involved in her death. She also says she has no fear of aging, which can only mean she means to consume the youth of the other women in the house. Please let me go, Raven Gates. Do not kill me and scatter my bones.Photo: ABC
MOST LIKELY TO: Have Fallen Out Of Her Own Romcom
HOW TO IDENTIFY IN THE WILD: I don't want to alarm anyone, but I'm confident this 26-year old Grade School Teacher from Newport Beach, California is a fictional Nicholas Sparks character. She literally quotes him in her choice for which animal to be: "A puppy! Or, if you're a bird, I'm a bird right? :)," and don't think I didn't see that emoji, girl. Real humans can't make their voices do that, how did you do that? She also moved to New York City with two bags and basically zero money, and the most romantic thing anyone's ever given her is "a star named after me, just like in A Walk to Remember because I hadn't told him I liked that, he came up with it." In the margins of this script is the note, "Too many tropes! See me!!" written in red pen.Photo: ABC
MOST LIKELY TO: End All Her Sentences With A Question Mark
HOW TO IDENTIFY IN THE WILD: You know that thing where all your sentences go up at the end? I think it's called uptalking? And like, you kind of always sound a little bit apologetic? I don't know. Well sorry if this is really forward, but I kind of think this 26-year old account manager from San Diego is maybe an uptalker? Ugh this is so stupid, I just sort of noticed that like, even answering questions, she would clarify them? Like for a fictional character: "This may be extra girly, but I would want to be Ariel. She's a mermaid! Plus she has amazing hair and a seashell bra." And then her guiltiest pleasure is maybe a little bit confusing to her? Like tell me if I'm off-base! But she said, "Buying expensive shoes or not expensive shoes. I just love shoes." I don't know, maybe I'm crazy? Was just wondering, LMK what you think!!!"Photo: ABC
MOST LIKELY TO: Get Wrecked At The Rose Ceremony
HOW TO IDENTIFY IN THE WILD: Reading through the bio of this 23-year old Mental Health Counselor from Seattle feels like reading a yearbook entry for an 18-year old with senioritis. Her "favorite clothes designer" is Forever 21, and her tricks for impressing a man are "1) Be myself 2) Be open and authentic 3) Look bomb," so keep an eye on your man, because Taylor's parents let her have boys over with the door closed. Her job sounds pretty intense, and the most outrageous thing she's ever done is streaking, so let's pop some Smirnoff Ices and I'm giving Taylor 3...2...1...until she jumps into the pool in her underwear. It's about to be that kind of party.Photo: ABC
MOST LIKELY TO: Last Way Longer Than You Think
HOW TO IDENTIFY IN THE WILD: The wild Vanessa is a tricky beast, and care should be taken in her tracking. At first glance, the bio of this 29-year old Special Education Teacher from Montreal, Canada was devoid of all mentions of love or sexy quips, which is what we call a Red Flag in the industry. Hashtag wrong reasons. Her three best attributes are "My personality, my drive to succeed and work hard, my patience," of any of the fruits and vegetables, she'd be an onion, for the very practical reason that "they're a staple item and can be found all year round," and even says that she doesn't really have a type of guy she's drawn to, but that "but a great smile is definitely necessary." At first it seemed like she wasn't invested in the process, but now I'm thinking it's a good thing she isn't as falling-over-herself desperate as the other girls. Kind of reminds me of Nick's temperament, to be honest, so that's interesting.Photo: ABC
MOST LIKELY TO: Marry Someone Much, Much More Rich And Famous Than Nick Viall
HOW TO IDENTIFY IN THE WILD: Whitney is a 25-year old Pilates instructor from Chanhassen, Minnesota, and looks like someone who cartoon birds help get dressed in the morning; this is not a girl who ends up with a reality show also-ran. And she knows it. Whitney idolizes Giselle Bundchen because of her modeling career and power-couple marriage to Tom Brady, and says if she could be any animal, she'd be "An eagle because I can see life from a different perspective," so she's perfectly aware she'll be looking down on all of us soon. Oh and she "doesn't live life with regrets," so I have a feeling that she's already plotted The Bachelor as one rung in a ladder she needs to climb to get to something better. Godspeed, third wife of Tom Cruise, godspeed.Photo: ABC
Alexis Rhiannon (@mindtheclam) is a freelance writer and comedian who grew up in Portland, Oregon, and is now located in New York City. Her interests include reality television, bar trivia, pop culture conspiracies, and someday cleaning her apartment. She can be seen monthly at the improvised show Live Dubbed Sitcoms at Videology in Williamsburg.
