Fun
Frisky
Nostalgic
Intense
Adventurous
Choked Up
Curious
Romantic
Weird
Previously on America’s Next Top Model: People are pretty, the judges are mean, and 9 models continue on in a competition that gave an Instagram model more Instagram follows and really nothing else. RIP Krislian.
Anyone else losing track of who the villains of the season are? First we were meant to hate Courtney, then Bitchy Black Girl™ Binta and last night, we got an hour full of Marissa is the worst. It’s all so very confusing. As a serious reality fan, I love a good villain, and this whole edit a character to be loathsome and then humanize her and move on to another loathsome model to be humanized a few episodes later is jarring. I WANNA KNOW WHOM TO HATE!
So, after panel, the models are all back at the house trying to decompress. India relays that she was so embarrassed to have been in the bottom three, and vows to never ever again be there. I always wonder how expressing sentiment like that goes over with the other girls in the house. Like, hey girl. You know that position you’re almost always in? For the first time, I was down there with you losers. I’ll die before I find myself in your company ever again.
Kyle, of course, is bummed at the draggings she keeps getting at panel and really wants to improve. I’m of the opinion that it was she who should have been sent home last week, and unless she makes some spectacular improvement overnight, she’ll be going home.
So, ok. Courtney is the worst, right? I mean, I don’t know much about the closet history of the models in the house, but it seemed extra messy of her to go and tell Marissa to take over Krislian’s old closet space before Binta got to it. I can’t imagine that Courtney would have the greatest concern for Marissa’s luggage after the tongue lashing she took from Marissa last week. And of course, when Marissa does place her luggage in the closet, Binta goes off and Marissa doesn’t do much to deescalate the argument. Now, to be fair, it’s pretty ridiculous of Binta to say “I was looking at that closet so I could put my stuff in there.” Girl, looking, isn’t a valid claim. I spend hours upon hours a day looking at hot pictures of Rihanna. She certainly isn’t mine.
Ritalert! The girls are going to figure out how to be gorgeous in motion, which most certainly means a dance challenge. I’m as hesitant about this as the models seem to be. I’m not very good at handling second hand embarrassment, and the thought of all the bad dancing to come is making my skin crawl.
Well, it might not be entirely bad. Didn’t you know that Paige was a competitive dancer? Didn’t you know? She did it for fifteen years and has experience with all genres and she was a dance and it’s important you know. Didn’t you know?
The women arrive at a dance studio, where they meet Stacy McKenzie and Chris Grant, who is Beyonce’s choreographer. Wow. I’m impressed. Both with the producers of this show for landing such a huge guest, but also with his face. He’s super cute.
The models are going to learn a dance routine wherein they have to do the moves well but still look model-esque. Learning choreo is hard enough, but having to look really hot too? I’ve never been the best multitasker. Let’s hope these girls are.
The girls are given a few 8 counts to learn and then make the choreo their own. Tatiana is brilliant as always. She’s so cool and at ease. I want to be her. Yes. I want to be a reality tv show contestant. I admit it.
Then there’s Marissa, who is most certainly getting the bad edit this week. Cody has already told us in her direct to camera that Marissa is like an obnoxious little sister, and Marissa is certainly being this way with the choreography. Her brand is fun and silly, but here, Marissa looks like she doesn’t take any of this stuff seriously (and like, she shouldn’t — it’s a ridiculous conceit to be a contestant on a reality tv show with fake shoots and fake commercials) and Chris Grant is not really impressed.
The rest of the girls are either awkward or bad. The stand out, though, is Kyle, whose awkwardness is most certainly making me cringe with embarrassment. Kyle is clearly uncomfortable and now I am too. It’s as if she doesn’t have any joints. Her shoulders are stiff. Her back is still. Her legs. All still. She’s like a wooden toy.
In the end, Tatiana wins the challenge, and her prize is a real life campaign with a brand called Gypsy Sports. Cool beans.
The models will need to practice that choreography because their shoot of the week will be to shoot a music video that includes choreography they learned. Kyle is practicing in front of Marissa. It’s pretty clear that Marissa doesn’t dig Kyle nearly as much as Kyle digs her. This part is also cringeworthy. There’s Kyle, moving terribly in front of Marissa, while an overlay of Marissa’s voice in the confessional announces that she wants space. All bad. It’s all bad.
The next day, the girls arrive at what looks like a block party on a beautiful street in Harlem. Drew Elliot and Stacy Mckenzie are there to meet the girls and to introduce them to the director for the shoot, Director X. Again, I’m super impressed with the way they’ve landed a huge guest. I remember Director X from back when he was Little X directing every rap and reggae music video in the early 2000s. And then he had a resurgence of sorts last year when he did Drake’s ‘Hotline Bling’ last year. I’m super impressed. And if I were any of the models, I’d be shitting a brick. His resume is intimidating as hell!
And, on top of that, the models will only get one take for their part in the shoot! I imagine it’s because Director X has only agreed to shoot these peasants for twenty minutes before he has to go off and shoot Drake and J-Lo’s thirsty Instagram photos.
With such tight time constraints, it makes sense that Stacy would be on set trying to coach the models so that they can perform well. Only Marissa doesn’t want to be coached. Or at least, not the way that Stacy coaches. Stacy is getting vexed with Marissa who isn’t taking well to all the direction, and Marissa is getting vexed in response to Stacy’s vexation and then Marissa does that whole teenager thing where she doesn’t just accept criticism and talks back just to talk back. It’s a bad look. Really bad. It’s unprofessional and the whole time Stacy gave that look. You know that look. That look like, if you were my child and there were no camera’s around, I’d spank your rude behind.
The shoot begins, and Tatiana does as well as I expect her to. Paige does well because SHE IS A DANCER DAMMIT AND DON’T YOU FORGET IT. Oh, and here comes Courtney with some more whining. She’s allergic to nuts, and so her lips are burning from the lipstick? Who knows? Something something allergic to almond oil in the lipstick something something whine whine whine. Except, there isn’t any almond oil that isn’t in the lipstick the makeup artist used.
LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL. Courtney. Girl. What are we gonna do with you?
Binta has been styled in a terrible hat and outfit which is so bad it has to be a set up. And she is just as bad as her outfit. She doesn’t seem to know the choreography and is constantly missing her mark. Courtney is having a lot of trouble as well. She’s walking through marks and looks really stiff. Of course, Courtney cries when she gets off set, and the other women are over it. Coryanne especially so. India has a fantastic shoot. Cody and Coryanne have perfectly fine shoots. But, Kyle, oh boy. Kyle. So Kyle is not sticking around past this episode. There won’t even be the slightest suspense around this.
Marissa doesn’t have the greatest shoot, which Stacy definitely loved. Marissa seems to think she had a great shoot, and I wonder if that is her teenaged delusion or just trying to be optimistic on set. After her shoot, Stacy takes Marissa aside to lecture her about her attitude and professionalism. Stacy is making lots of sense, but Marissa doesn’t much care what she has to say. She pretends to, though, which is what she should have just done in their first interaction. The day would have gone so much smoother!
There’s some not so important footage of the women all at the house, and we learn that Marissa doesn’t much care who goes home, not even Kyle. She just hopes it isn’t her. This is more of that villainous Marissa edit, which ok. Fine. But then Marissa’s just gonna cry when Kyle gets sent whom AND WHO WILL I HATE THEN?! Oh, right. Courtney.
Director X has joined the judges panel. He’s the first guest judge of the season. It seems Drake was busy. Paige is the first to receive her critique. She apparently did great. It didn’t look great to me, but what do I know? DIDN’T YOU KNOW PAIGE WAS A DANCER?! Director X says Paige was his favorite to shoot all day.
Coryanne did a lot better than I thought watching the shoot. All the panelists loved it, save Law Roach, who thought it looked like a back to school commercial. Which is totally true. But that’s not the worst thing in the world.
It’s Marissa’s turn and the first thing she has to answer for her beef with Stacy. Marissa tries to defend herself, but she’s shut down pretty quickly. Director X advised the models that they should always be pleasant on set. It turns out, he’s been in the room when executives have denied someone a job because of attitude. Has to be talking about when the Grammy voters gave Beyonce’s album of the year to Beck. Because I can’t come up with any other possible reason for that snub.
Cory was okay. But Binta was, as I expected, terrible. She took the criticism very well, but she teared up. Ugh, fine. Now we’re humanizing Binta. Who am I supposed to hate now? Oh right. Courtney.
Kyle was terrible. The end.
Courtney does poorly as well. Tatiana and India do particularly well also.
Back in the waiting room, Marissa, having, been thoroughly humbled by the judges’ call out, offers a tearful apology to other models. It seems really sincere, and the other girls forgive her rather quickly.
But of course, Marissa still has to be humbled more by the judges. I mean, what is this show if it’s not taking super beautiful confident women and ruining their self esteem some. So, Marissa and Kyle must be in the bottom two. They hold hands as they await their fate. And, like we all knew, Kyle is sent home.
And Kyle is super cool about it? She has perspective. She knew she struggled toward the end, but is proud of what she has accomplished. Very mature. This is the least unsettled I’ve felt seeing a girl leave. I’m very confident she will leave this show and not start on the road to self harm.
Rae Sanni is a comedian and writer from Brooklyn, NY who has been bringing her unique perspective on everything from pop culture to race and gender relations to audiences all over. Rae co-hosts the monthly stand up comedy show LoudMouth!. You can find Rae on Twitter @Raesanni, where she muses on her love for Rihanna, NBA players, and being a black person.
