So THAT Happened: The Original ‘Teen Wolf’ Is Bonkers

If you’ve never seen Teen Wolf, buckle the hell up, friend. Starring Michael J. Fox, this classic ’80s film is a coming-of-age tale that deals with the ups and down of life, love, and basketball. Also, for reasons never explained, the main character has the ability to turn into a werewolf.

Fox portrays Scott Howard, a typical high school student who’s sick of being average. Scott has a nice family, a girl named Boof who loves him, and a mischievous best friend with an affinity for colorful t-shirts who looks like a Huey Lewis and the News song come to life. Also, as I mentioned above, Scott is a werewolf.

As you can imagine, discovering you’re a werewolf can be jarring. Thankfully, Scott’s dad is there to help his son through this difficult transition. “An explanation is probably long overdue,” Scott’s dad (also a werewolf) says to his son with little to no urgency.

Hey, I’m not a parent. Heck, I’m not even a werewolf, but if there’s a chance your teenage son or daughter could turn into a werewolf, maybe give them a heads-up about that? When I was a teenager, I didn’t talk to my dad for a week after he forgot to tell me a girl I liked had called our house. If he neglected to tell me that I might be a werewolf!? Oh man, I might not have spoken to him for two weeks.

Scott: You knew about this and you didn’t tell me?
Scott’s Dad: I was hoping I wouldn’t have to. Sometimes it skips a generation.

Eventually, the entire town discovers Scott’s secret during a basketball game. This revelation leads to a classic moment of ’80s cinema.

A few thoughts:

1. One of the players on the court turns into a werewolf and NEITHER coach decides to call a timeout? I understand the importance of saving your timeouts for the end of the half — that’s basketball 101 — but extenuating circumstances being what they were, you know, a kid turning into a WOLF, deserves at least a quick 20-second convo to address questions like, “Should we switch to a zone defense since that kid just transformed into a werewolf?” and “Oh hey, what the f*ck is going on here?”
2. It literally takes 90 seconds for everyone in attendance to be like, “Okay, that happened. Our classmate Scott is now a werewolf. This is our new reality.”
3. Just so we’re all on the same page here, if Scott still sucked at basketball after becoming the wolf, the crowd would have literally murdered him, correct?
4. While I find everything about this scene/movie/the ’80s/life in general to be absolutely ludicrous, I do commend the town’s acceptance of werewolves. I mean, sure, the school only tolerated Scott’s transformation because it helped their team win basketball games, but even self-serving kindness is a form of kindness.

As for the were-elephant in the room — the question of how transforming into a wolf suddenly imbues a person with superior basketball skills — I never quite understood the quandary. The answer is simple. Science. Transforming into a werewolf makes you better at basketball because of science. Moving on…

Everyone is instantly, unequivocally in on Scott being a werewolf. Well, almost everyone.

I understand this guy is the villain of the film, but c’mon, buddy! A dude just turned into a mother-howlin’ werewolf. Like, if that doesn’t impress you, what will?

As you can imagine, a student becoming a werewolf is big news… just not big enough for the school paper. Instead of running with the whole “student transforms into werewolf” angle, the crackerjack team of burgeoning journalists of Teen Wolf High focus their attention on the upcoming basketball game.

So begins the decline of print journalism. Bummer that the scorching hot “Bleachers to be rebuilt” story got knocked out of the top spot.

From here the movie transitions into about three to four hours of basketball montages scored to Mark Vieha’s “Way To Go.” If Purgatory has a dental office, you better believe “Way To Go” is playing on repeat in the waiting room.

Eventually, and by eventually I mean like ten minutes of Teen Wolf time, students begin to sour on the wolf. In the beginning it’s all high-fives and wolf sex in theater dressing rooms, but eventually Teen Wolf’s brazen attitude begins to ruffle some feathers. You see, he may look like a wolf, but deep down inside he’s still just a teenager trying to solve this vexing conundrum known as life, ya know? He’s a teen and he’s a wolf. In a very real way, maybe we’re all teen wolves?

Anyway, here’s a character named Chubby eating an apple during an officially sanctioned game of high school basketball.

Eventually, Scott learns that the cushy life of being a part-time werewolf isn’t all that it’s cracked up to be, so he decides to retire the wolf and just be himself. A beautiful realization for personal growth, but a crummy one when you’re playing for a high school basketball championship. Also, this epiphany happens with his team already losing 22-3 midway through the first quarter. Evidently, self-actualization doesn’t care about high school basketball. Thanks for all the lies, ONE TREE HILL.

Since I’m pretty sure production was legally obligated to run a musical montage every five minutes, Scott and his ragtag group of non-werewolf teammates battle back while Mark Safan’s “Win in the End” serenades us. You can purchase the Teen Wolf soundtrack on Amazon for $119.99 if you’re an eccentric millionaire or are just completely done with life.

Down by one with no time remaining in the game, Scott has two free throw opportunities. If he makes them both, his team wins. If he misses them both, they lose. If he makes one, the game goes to overtime and the film runs thirty additional minutes of twenty-something actors making layups while “Let’s Hear it For the Boy” or something similar plays. The referees, clearly werewolf racists, allow the villain to stand directly in Scott’s line of sight, despite the fact that it’s a clear lane violation.

This is absurd, but not more absurd than an entire town focusing on basketball instead of a kid becoming a werewolf. If you’re a vampire, learn how to throw a curve ball and move to Teen Wolf High immediately.

Scott makes both free throws, the town celebrates, and we learn a very valuable lesson about the perils of pitching movies while high on cocaine.

Just kidding! Teen Wolf is good ol’ campy ’80s fun. Stream it now on Prime Video!

Watch 'Teen Wolf' on Prime Video