Fun
Frisky
Nostalgic
Intense
Adventurous
Choked Up
Curious
Romantic
Weird
I appreciate that we live in a world in which the film Air Bud exists. I’m not a goblin. Puppies, basketball, and madcap shenanigans? Aside from the fact that I just created the perfect title for an alt rock ’90s album, these are a few of my favorite things. But within reason. A friendship between a young boy and an orca whale? Sure! Just as long as the orca whale doesn’t also join the school water polo team. Identical twins trying to trick their biological parents into having sex? Weird! But okay!
A dog joining a youth basketball team, however? No. I simply will not stand for that.
You already know the basic plot to Air Bud, which is currently streaming on Hulu. Reeling from the death of his father, a young boy (Josh) befriends a Golden Retriever (Buddy). Or perhaps you prefer the Rotten Tomatoes description of the film:
“[Josh] finds Buddy, an abandoned golden retriever who can nose a ball into a net better than any dog has a right to.”
A + phrasing, Rotten! Here’s a fun little tidbit you might not recall about Air Bud: In the beginning of the film, Buddy escapes from the dastardly clutches of an abusive clown.
*Hilary Duff* singsong voice: “Hey now, hey now, This is what nightmaaaaares are made of.”
Josh (the human) and Buddy (the dog) eventually become pals, which leads to Josh earning a spot on his school basketball team (The Timberwolves). Possessing the athletic ability of a young dog-version of Scottie Pippen, Buddy begins showcasing some of his basketpaw skills during halftime of Josh’s games. Perfect. Great. Groovy. But then the film goes one step too far.
During the championship game, a short-handed Timberwolves team find themselves down to only four players. Losing by 16 with only 6:21 to go, all seems lost for our plucky underdogs when suddenly Buddy rushes onto the court causing the fans in attendance to react like Oprah just jet skied into the auditorium tossing around gold doubloons and iPhone 8s like candy corn. I mean, I get it. Dogs are great. Growing up, I too had a canine pal, Reese’s. She was great. We’d play Monopoly together. I’d cheat, naturally, because there was no way in hell I was losing to a dog in a board game, but Reese’s never judged me… mostly because she was a dog and thus incapable of comprehending the intricacies of both morality and savvy real estate practices.
Point is, I love dogs, but I do not agree with Josh’s coach, an adult, attempting to substitute Buddy into the game.
“You check your rule book. I bet you won’t find anything in there that says a dog can’t play.”
Ugh. Yeah, obviously. But according to the Youth Basketball of America website, all players must “meet the grade-level or age-exception criteria and present a copy of their birth certificate and current-year report card for verification.” That’s right. I did the research. Take THAT, 20-year-old movie!
No competent person wearing form-fitting Foot Locker attire would give this silly notion a second thought, right? Wrong. The senior referee, a straight-up dunce of a human being, famously states: “Ain’t no rule says the dog can’t play basketball.”
As you’d expect, the opposing coach, whose exaggerated use of facial expressions leads me to believe he’s still bemoaning the fact Jim Carrey beat him out for the role of Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, is having NONE OF IT.
Putting aside the myriad safety issues that accompany adding a wild animal into an officially sanctioned youth basketball game, I just can’t get passed the lack of logic. If we allow this monstrosity to occur what the literal F is next? Ain’t no rule says the dog can’t vote. Ain’t no rule says the dog can’t be president. Ain’t no rule says the dog can’t drive the school bus.
Air Bud is the first step to universal anarchy.
To make matters worse, the referee then has the audacity to roll his eyes when Buddy enters the game. Dude, you are literally the person responsible for this calamity, so cool every single one of your jets.
You know how this story ends.
Instead of calling a timeout or taking advantage of this apparent new loophole by substituting one of his human players for a wild boar, the straight-to-DVD version of Ace Ventura known as the opposing coach just continuously shouts “Will someone cover that dog?” until the Timberwolves eventually win the game. Fantastic. But you know what? Lost in this spectacle of nonsense is the fact that Buddy the dog isn’t even all that good at basketball. Sure, he’s fine. Maybe even slightly above average, but I could definitely defeat Air Bud in a game of one-on-one. Don’t @ me.
There’s one more point we need to address: Those poor, poor kids from the losing team, The Warriors, aka a group of 12 year-old boys who blew a 16-point lead to a dog. Can you imagine what school is going to be like for them on Monday? You don’t need a PhD in Common Sense to know that a very public, immensely embarrassing loss to a DOG can be an emotionally traumatizing experience. “I lost a basketball game to a Golden Retriever” literally sounds like the first sentence of The Joker’s origin story.
And I shudder to think what cruel fate awaits the opposing coach. Does this dude seem like the kind of guy who has the requisite emotional wherewithal needed to properly process this devastating experience?
Nope! He definitely pivoted into a new life of petty thievery while living on various locomotives (best case) or murder (worst case).
Am I wrong? Should dogs and pre-teens be allowed to share a basketball court together in harmony? I decided to ask ten of my closest confidants that very question, but the results were inconclusive. I received three no responses, two “sures,” and five replies in which my friends openly questioned my sanity.
For reasons that continue to confound, Air Bud was a financial success, earning over $27 million — or $189,000,000 million in dog money — at the box office and spawning multiple sequels in which Buddy masters football, soccer, baseball, and… well…
That’s right. 2009’s Space Buddies centers on Buddy’s puppies traveling to outer space. The fact that this film exists should anger me, but you know what? Ain’t no rule says the dogs can’t be astronauts.
