My First Time… Watching ‘Basic Instinct’

Basic Instinct is one of those movies that I always pretended to have seen when people brought up the infamous “interrogation scene” and often confused with Fatal Attraction (another movie that I had not seen). It wasn’t until this year that my gap in erotic thriller history was finally made public, and just in time for the film’s 25th anniversary, I realized I had to embrace the majesty of the Michael Douglas/Sharon Stone classic. I knew close to nothing about the film besides the fact that there was lots of sex and that Sharon Stone uncrossed her legs while not wearing underwear (a move recently replicated on Girls), so what did I have to lose, besides office passersby thinking I was watching porn at my desk? Pretty much nothing.

Basic-ally, Basic Instinct is about a short-fused detective (Douglas) who is investigating a brutal murder when he becomes involved with a devious, seductive woman (Stone) who is likely (TOTALLY) involved in the crime. Sound sexy and mysterious? That’s because it is sexy and mysterious. And violent. And a whole lotta other things.

Get ready, people: here is my nuanced and thoughtful commentary on the scary sex & skin-fest that is Basic Instinct.

02:50: Yeah, people are definitely going to think I’m watching porn at my desk. But hey, you guys weren’t kidding! Barely three minutes in and there’s already some serious sexytime. And it’s artfully shot.

04:21: OH! MY! GOD! This dude just got stabbed to death with an ice pick mid-coitus! This is worse than Gone Girl!!!

06:11: “Guys! Be serious!” is essentially what this party-pooper is telling this group of grown men just trying to casually make semen jokes about a dead guy. He sure knows how to ruin Michael Douglas’ fun. (Also, this movie features Michael Douglas when he was still kind of a babe. Sigh.)

07:56: God, look at this cool guy, with his cool sunglasses, and his cool hair, and his cool badge. Could he be any cooler?! (He’s with the San Francisco PD, btw. Now we know where this mysterious murder is taking place).

10:58: Okay, now I totally understand the hype. That is one laid-back, cigarette-smoking, effortlessly chill blonde lady. So chill that she tells them to get the fuck outta her house unless they’re arresting her.

13:50: Ooh, surprise! Internal Affairs is making Michael Douglas see this bespectacled, sultry therapist! And they used to have sex!

20:05: Newman’s in this?! Now it’s a party!

22:05: Secret’s out! So THIS is why Michael Douglas needs therapy.

22:24: Homegirl is changing with the door open and Michael Douglas is straight up pulling a Peeping Tom! (It’s allll intentional with this lady, though. She knows what game she playin’.)

25:10: IS THIS THE SCENE???

27:52: YEP. THIS IS THE SCENE. Doesn’t it get drafty down there, girl??? I really just want a compilation of every single sweating dude’s face from this scene. This lady knows how to simultaneously unnerve and arouse a man.

35:53: Whooooooa, Michael Dogulas just got super rapey with his therapist/ex-girlfriend person! And there’s lots of sloppy making out going on here. ((Is this a good time for me to start calling them by their character names? Sharon Stone said “Nick” so many times in that interrogation scene I feel like I have to.)

41:47: A thrilling car chase?! This movie really DOES have everything!

48:05: She is STRAIGHT UP using an ice pick in front of Nick to make herself a drink. Catherine don’t give a fuuuuuuck. (Also, did everyone in the 90s want to look like Sharon Stone? Because I DEFINITELY do.)

51:20: WAIT. Now she’s bi too?! That sassy girl from earlier is another one of her sexual conquests?! This just keeps getting better.

56:55: At least that asshole’s out of the picture. (Everyone’s totally gonna think Nick did this).

58:42: Yep, they do. But don’t worry, now Nick is Mr. Cool, copying all of Cat’s moves from her interrogation. Well, I got news for you, buddy. You can’t go commando and disarm a room of men by uncrossing your legs the way she did.

1:08:26: IS THIS WHAT CLUBS LOOKED LIKE IN THE 90s?! I was born too late.

1:09:05: Ya gotta love that Nick donned his best v-neck sweater for this hip occasion.

1:14:29: It’s nice that they’re finally getting this out of their system, but damn girl, take it down a notch!

1:16:41: Apparently, a guy can’t just splash his face with some water without being threatened by his lover’s other lover.

1:25:00: That’s gotta hurt. It can’t be Catherine driving though, right? It’s gotta be ~Roxy with a vengeance~.

1:39:22: Oh shit! Therapist Beth was (allegedly) Catherine’s crazy college stalker!

1:51:45: Why do I feel like this is the last time Nick sees Gus alive and well? Please don’t kill my favorite endearing, sensible side character.

1:53:44: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! The ice pick takes another victim!!!

1:54:40: Is this the part in the movie where everything goes to shit? I thought Beth was a little crazy too, but did we have to shoot her?

1:56:07: Why would Beth conveniently leave her disguise on the stairs? Does this not read sketchy to any of these dudes?

2:01:39: THAT WAS A CLOSE ONE. Totally thought that climax was gonna conclude with an ice-picking.

2:03:21: Aww, at least she brought a nice fancy silver ice pick for him to make it special.

EDIT: WAIT, WHAT? THAT’S HOW IT ENDS???

FINAL THOUGHTS: This movie is crazy! It’s also mildly homophobic, but I’m sure that’s been talked about already. I totally get the hype now, because that was some steamy, gory, crazy stuff. It’s hard to believe those sex scenes didn’t get earn the flick an NC-17 rating (and they wanted to give Blue Valentine an NC-17 for their fully clothed female oral sex?! I will never understand). Regardless, I’m super pissed that Sharon Stone got away with all that. How long do we wager Michael Douglas lived after the movie ended?