‘Riverdale:’ In Defense Of Lovable Doofus Archie Andrews

Tonight is the season finale of the wonderfully absurd three-ring circus of mystery, angst, and maple syrup known as Riverdale. The CW’s sultry teen noir has been one of the most enjoyable viewing experiences of the television season. From Hitchcockian jacuzzi scenes involving proposed threesomes and attempted murder to a season long quest to unearth Jason Blossom’s killer, the freshman series is a consistent grab bag of comedy and intrigue, which makes the show so much fun to discuss with fellow fans. If you’ve joined the online conversation, you already know the familiar topics: Betty and Jughead, the terrible parents of Riverdale, and, of course, the fact that Archie Andrews is a stone-cold idiot.

Listen, I get it. Archie is kinda dumb sometimes. Despite his alleged love of music, Riverdale’s resident Ryan Cabrera has never even heard of Bob Dylan! That’s like wanting to be a writer and saying, “Okay, first things first: Vowels. What the heck are they?”

It’s completely fair to question Archie’s intelligence… or lack thereof. His big heart and blind optimism often lead him into situations that make him seem either completely naive or immensely foolish, and it doesn’t help that his three best friends have inexplicably morphed into a crackerjack team of world-class investigative journalists. Jughead, Betty, and Veronica are complicated characters, but Archie’s just a big ol’ Golden Retriever who wants nothing more than to drink milkshakes, run 10 miles so said milkshakes won’t affect his dynamite abs, and help his buds solve a murder. That balance is integral to the success of Riverdale’s delicate ecosystem. The chaotic town of pep needs a stabilizing, sometimes boring center with which to ground the show.

Archie is a simple character who loves sex, pushups, music, more pushups, and his friends. Basically, he’s the only character on Riverdale who behaves like an actual teenager.

Our red-haired lothario is the personification of unearned confidence, poor impulse control, angst, and hormones. He dreams of a career as a musician, claims he doesn’t care if he goes to jail in order to help a friend, threatens to move to Chicago during an argument, and last week, he cried when his dad yelled at him. It doesn’t get more adolescent than that!

How Archie hasn’t dramatically screamed, “The only one who understands me is my music!” and raced out of a room yet is beyond me. Although to be fair, Riverdale has given us the magical gift of Archie’s now infamous “I was born alone, I’ll die alone, I’ll sing alone,” quote, which is beautiful, beautiful gibberish.

No matter how hard Archie works out, he just can’t seem to sculpt the muscle known as subtlety. Not only is he the worst liar in Riverdale, but watch his reaction once he discovers that Veronica wants to talk about the murder mystery instead of making out. It. Is. Glorious.

“Ugh. For the love of maple syrup. I guess this means we’re not hooking up. Why is everyone in Riverdale so *obsessed* with this stupid murder?” 

Is Archie the sharpest knife in Riverdale? No. Is he smarter than his dog Vegas? Honestly, I don’t know. But Archie Andrews’ unwavering empathy and perpetual confusion helps ground a show that often stretches the limits of believability.

Let’s all cut Archie some slack. He was born alone; he’ll die alone; and he’ll sing alone, dammit.

Where to stream Riverdale