‘The Bachelorette’ 2017 Cast Superlatives

Which of these 31 jabronis will win Rachel Lindsay's heart on the lucky 13th season of The Bachelorette? Which one is most likely to mansplain his proposal? And which one is the most likely to be a serial killer? (Hint: You're looking at him.) Read on to find out!

Photos: ABC ; Illustration: Dillen Phelps

NAME: Adam
MOST LIKELY TO: Be The Frat Boy From Which All Other Frat Boys Were Made
IDENTIFYING FEATURES: Somewhere, a cookie sheet of frat boy dough is missing a cutout in the exact size and shape of Adam. This 27-year old real estate agent manages to lust over Jennifer Lawrence, brag about his football prowess, casually reference his threesome, and neg the show itself, all in his bio. I've heard that if you ever need to create a new frat boy, you can just take out one of Adam's ribs and plant it in the ground like an avocado seed, and one just sprouts right up. Chris Harrison also mentioned in the live cast reveal that he "wouldn't be arriving alone"; if he shows up with a blow-up doll, you all have to finish your beers. Also I'm next for pong.

Photo: ABC

NAME: Alex
MOST LIKELY TO: Be A Serial Killer
IDENTIFYING FEATURES: If ever there is such a thing as the human personification of a red flag, this 28-year old information systems supervisor is it. In the category Most Insane Thing You've Ever Done, which I'm pretty sure is there for fun anecdotes about stuff you did in college, Alex has written, "Ate a live salamander." Ate. A Live. SALAMANDER. He put a live salamander into his mouth -- why? -- and then ATE it. You're maybe ready to move on to the fact that he can't come up with another band after naming The Beatles and Coldplay, or the fact that he once gave a car as a gift, but I just read something I can never forget, and I am shook.

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NAME: Anthony
MOST LIKELY TO: Get Stuffed Into A Locker On Night One
IDENTIFYING FEATURES: He's 26, he reads books, and the person he'd most want to switch places with in the world is his mom, so he could understand her better. I'm really liking what I'M hearing, but in bro house, I don't know that being an education software manager with experience teaching English in Indonesia gets you much social currency, no matter how much I appreciate your emphasis on intimacy and intellect in a partner. Can you shotgun a beer, tho??

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NAME: Blake E
MOST LIKELY TO: Live With His Parents
IDENTIFYING FEATURES: Mark my words, the most impressive thing Blake E will do all season is take two of the least attractive words on the whole show -- "aspiring" and "drummer" -- and put them together. You find it hard to believe that musicians are on the show #fortherightreasons? Well can I interest you in a 31-year old aspiring musician who also likes "taboo sexy stuff," and was engaged for 48 hours to a woman he describes as "crazy"? Please call the Scrub Farm and let them know that one of their charges escaped.

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NAME: Blake K
MOST LIKELY TO: Have Never Seen A Woman Before
IDENTIFYING FEATURES: This 29-year old U.S. Marine seems like a perfectly nice man, who loves his mother and Chipotle, and I can't wait for him to meet a woman for the first time on live television. Fingers crossed that she lives up to what he looks for in a woman: someone long and fit, with a great smile. I just wish I could remember off the top of my head how long Rachel is. I hope long enough! But if not, we could always find another girl and tie her on the end.

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NAME: Brady
MOST LIKELY TO: Be Your Childhood Bully
IDENTIFYING FEATURES: Brady is currently a 29-year old male model who brags in his bio about tackling snowmen, dreams of having a hot wife, and hates when he gets an Uber driver who doesn't speak English. And if you squint, I'm sure you can see leftover traces in his face of that kid who stole your lunch money, beat up your classmates for being different, and called things "gay" when he really meant "bad".

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NAME: Bryan
MOST LIKELY TO: Die Of Old Age While On The Show
IDENTIFYING FEATURES: Bryan is 37 years old, so don't get too attached to him on the show, as it's very likely he'll pass away in his sleep before the end. But please don't feel sorry for him! He's lived a nice, full life admiring Bill Gates, enjoying sports center, and gazing at orchids, and sometimes it's just your time. He is, of course, also a chiropractor, as when you reach such an advanced age, you require constant realignment. He's also reportedly Rachel's first kiss on the show, which I will assume was a goodbye kiss as he lay upon his deathbed.

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NAME: Bryce
MOST LIKELY TO: Be In A Relationship With Fire
IDENTIFYING FEATURES: I don't say this lightly, but I think Bryce might be in a relationship with fire. Like, not that he has a flame back home, but that his flame is flame. I think he wants to fuck fire. The dude is a 30-year old firefighter who brings up flame either directly or indirectly three other times in his bio. He says he's the "laid back shot of gasoline when the fire starts to die," describes his sex style as "a fresh drink of water with a jolt of lightning," which is exactly the kind of kinky shit that flame is into, and says he "caught a girl's hair on fire once during sex." You can be honest with me, buddy -- did you start fighting fires because you like to put your dick inside of flame? Are you a firefighter because you couldn't become a firefucker?

Photo: ABC

NAME: Dean
MOST LIKELY TO: Mansplain His Proposal
IDENTIFYING FEATURES: Dean is a 26-year old startup recruiter in Los Angeles who knows just how to talk to women. He says whenever a girl "tries to bite" him during a hookup, he has to "stop everything and have a discussion," which is a little-known method to getting women extremely aroused. And he takes the technique beyond the bedroom walls, as well. When asked about his views on marriage, he has this very rational and not at all illogical response: "I think marriage is an institutionalized sham derived from religious beliefs. That said, when I get married, it's a life-long commitment." If you like your proposals ruined with a big, self-important speech, then Dean is the man for you.

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NAME: Demario
MOST LIKELY TO: Be Here For The Wrong Reasons
IDENTIFYING FEATURES: Chris Harrison warned in the intro that this 30-year old executive recruiter is "smooth, maybe too smooth," and speculated that he might be here for the wrong reasons. That's crazy though, it's not like his bio says he always needs to be the center of attention, wants to own a pet lion named Denzel, and describes him as "perfect." Oh wait, yes it does. It does all of those things.

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NAME: Diggy
MOST LIKELY TO: Ghost On You
IDENTIFYING FEATURES: His real name is Kenneth, but for some reason this 31-year old senior inventory analyst goes by "Diggy." Hobbies include being under six feet tall, day-drinking, and pretending to be asleep when his one-night stands get texts that their brothers are missing, so he "didn't have to help." What a gift and a joy, please come to my house to make sex again soon. Don't bother giving him your number, because he's just gonna lose it

Photo: ABC

NAME: Eric
MOST LIKELY TO: Make It To The End
IDENTIFYING FEATURES: He's 29, a personal trainer, and he's the first contestant with no red flags or weirdnesses in his bio, so this is the pony I'm gonna put my money on. He and Rachel had great chemistry when they met on After the Final Rose, and at this point, I'm just thirsty for a prospect. So congratulations, Eric -- you're it!

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NAME: Fred
MOST LIKELY TO: Live Out His Rom-Com Dream
IDENTIFYING FEATURES: This 27-year old executive assistant lives in Dallas, just like Rachel, and his bio actually looks great; a nice mix of ambition and self-awareness. But what I can't stop thinking about is an anecdote that Chris Harrison shared while introducing everybody, that Rachel was Fred's camp counselor, back in the day. Gasp! Are we about to watch a full-on romantic comedy play out on the big screen, where he's had a makeover and she doesn't even recognize him? Or will Rachel shout, "HELLO BABY FREDDY DO YOU NEED YOUR LUNCHY?" at him the moment he steps out of the limo? Only the premiere will tell!

Photo: ABC

NAME: Grant
MOST LIKELY TO: Spoil Your Supper
IDENTIFYING FEATURES: Make sure you read all the other details about this 29-year old emergency medicine physician first, like the fact that his favorite song is "Ice Ice Baby," he was the social chair of his fraternity, and that he likes to be envied and respected. Then and only then should you read that he "once had a stomach bug in Peru and had to defecate in a cut open 2-liter coke bottle in the back of a tour bus." Please clear all my lunch meetings, I won't be needing them anymore.

Photo: ABC

NAME: Iggy
MOST LIKELY TO: Mistake The Show For An Interview
IDENTIFYING FEATURES: I'm fully aware that this is a dating show, but you'll never be able to convince me that Iggy thinks this is anything other than an interview. He's a very well-qualified consulting firm CEO, and is just 30 years old. He lists the same three attributes -- passionate, loyal, and witty -- as both his best and worst traits, which is a very clever interview trick. He also claims his favorite magazine as the Harvard Business Review, which I don't buy for even one second, and Chris Harrison says that Rachel "really respects him." I really hope he gets the job, because he sure isn't getting a rose.

Photo: ABC

NAME: Jack
MOST LIKELY TO: Be A Basic Bro
IDENTIFYING FEATURES: Your boy is 32 years old, and an attorney, just like Rachel. He enjoys working out, taking his dog on walks, trying new restaurants and foods, and presumably pumpkin spice lattes.

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NAME: Jamey
MOST LIKELY TO: Be A Department Store Mannequin
IDENTIFYING FEATURES: This 32-year old sales account executive is only 5'9", and I didn't know they made men at that height for this show anymore. A much likelier explanation is that he's plastic formed into a human mold to try to sell clothes. That would at least be an explanation for the fact that he doesn't know where he sees himself in five years because he's "trying to not make plans in life" -- mannequins don't get to decide what store they're going to next -- or the fact that he doesn't have female friends -- mannequins don't have friends at all, so it's completely fine that he has emotional intimacy with zero women in his life and doesn't see why that's an issue.

Photo: ABC

NAME: Jedidiah
MOST LIKELY TO: Have An Exotic Death Wish
IDENTIFYING FEATURES: The 35-year old is an ER physician, so you already know he lives for that adrenaline rush, but this dude really takes it to the next level, and it might come back to bite him one day. He's had sex on a glacier, never owned a dog that wasn't majority wolf, and chose a favorite flower that only grows above the timberline. Now this is a guy who has his eye on the prize -- having the weirdest obituary in the whole paper. "He died as he lived -- frozen in ice mid-coitus while a wolf eats his face."

Photo: ABC

NAME: Jonathan
MOST LIKELY TO: Know Your Weird Uncle
IDENTIFYING FEATURES: Um yeah, his name is Jonathan, he's 31 years old, theoretically a doctor, but calls himself a "tickle monster"? Already brought up his ex-wife and his virginity once, and we're in the middle of our first conversation? Lives in Florida, likes Flo Rida? Yeah, he and your Uncle Mike are friends on Facebook.

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NAME: Josiah
MOST LIKELY TO: Get In Trouble From His Bio
IDENTIFYING FEATURES: The 28-year old will likely have a lot in common with Rachel, as a prosecuting attorney, but he should maybe not bring up the weirdest place he's ever had sex. He says it was in his very own office, so I guess he's pretty confident that his boss and his coworkers won't ever read his bio for one of the most popular television shows on the air right now.

Photo: ABC

NAME: Kenny
MOST LIKELY TO: Cause Water Damage In The House
IDENTIFYING FEATURES: And nope, I'm not talking about clogging up the toilet. It might surprise you, but Chris Harrison says the 35-year old professional wrestler cries more than anyone else in the house. Which, based on that promo, is really saying something. He's also a dad to a young daughter and seems pretty self-aware, so as long as you keep the gutters clear for efficient flow, the water damage shouldn't be too great.

Photo: ABC

NAME: Kyle
MOST LIKELY TO: Be A Pain In The Ass On A Lunch Date
IDENTIFYING FEATURES: I love it when a 26-year old marketing consultant has cut something out of his diet that he doesn't understand and can't explain, like Kyle has with gluten. "Not really sure what it is or what food it lives in, but I select gluten-free menu options when I can." He also says he doesn't trust most people, disdains authority, and doesn't think before he speaks, so I can't wait for him to make a bad impression on our server.

Photo: ABC

NAME: Lee
MOST LIKELY TO: Hide His Personality Behind Exclamation Marks!
IDENTIFYING FEATURES: He's a 30-year old singer-songwriter, so I'm already suspicious, and the enthusiasm of his bio answers makes me feel like he's trying to hide something. Any tattoos? Yes! Your hero? My Mamaw! Something you couldn't tolerate on a desert island? Sand gnats! Do you consider yourself romantic? Absolutely! Is all this punctuation a serious red flag? Oh 100%! Chris Harrison also calls Lee an "instigator" and says he rubs people the wrong way, acting like a Southern gentleman and then giving you backhanded compliments that really feel like a slap in the face. That checks out!

Photo: ABC

NAME: Lucas
MOST LIKELY TO: Be The Villain
IDENTIFYING FEATURES: Even if Chris Harrison hadn't already warned me about this 30-year old being a polarizing figure this season, his bio has enough red flags in it to...open up a red flag store? His occupation is "whaboom," which is a really great match for a practicing attorney, and not insulting at all. His ideal lunch date is described as: "Dead: Bruce Jenner, Alive: Caitlyn Jenner .... Would be a very interesting convo," so he apparently has some misconceptions about the logistics of being transgender. In describing his ideal mate, he lists three female cartoon characters including -- fucking of course -- Jessica Rabbit, and of course also finds time to alert the crowd to the fact that he's had a threesome. I will come to the mansion and pack his bags myself.

Photo: ABC

NAME: Matt
MOST LIKELY TO: Spend The Entire Time Looking For A Schtick
IDENTIFYING FEATURES: Chris Harrison says that this 32-year old construction sales representative showed up in a penguin suit on Night One. Which was a good move, because I can find literally zero other reasons in his profile why he might be memorable.

Photo: ABC

NAME: Michael
MOST LIKELY TO: Accidentally Make It To The End Because Rachel Forgot About Him
IDENTIFYING FEATURES: He's only 26, but Michael is already a former basketball player, so presumably he's just living that retired life now, going on The Bachelorette and blending into walls. He says he never wants to be the center of attention, is the laid back one at the party, and has had one of his friends hook up with his date in the past. Good luck in Alpha House, little Beta!

Photo: ABC

NAME: Milton
MOST LIKELY TO: Be A 31-Year Old With An Inner Lip Tattoo
IDENTIFYING FEATURES: Are you looking for more proof that these dudes are the Mayors of Scrubtown? Milton isn't even the first contestant I've come across who's listed an inner lip tattoo. My only request is that this 31-year old hotel recreation supervisor -- literally, what? -- goes home before we have to find out what it says.

Photo: ABC

NAME: Mohit
MOST LIKELY TO: Appear On The Show
IDENTIFYING FEATURES: When Mohit's photo came up on the screen as Chris Harrison was introducing the men, all he could say about the 26-year old project manager was, "You'll be seeing him on the show," so I don't have high hopes for your boy sticking around. That's a shame, because he feels like his hair "needs work," and I'm sure he could get some help from the other guys. And also we'll never hear about what exactly he did with Tabasco in the bedroom. (Nothing good.)

Photo: ABC

NAME: Peter
MOST LIKELY TO: Never Know When To Quit
IDENTIFYING FEATURES: This Wisconsin-native is a 31-year old business owner who's also done some modeling, and boy does he not know when to call it a day. He's run three Ironmans, one on a broken foot, went ring shopping for an ex after just three months (good practice for this!), and his story of a "fun" one-night stand was getting so drunk he passed out nude on the floor of the girl's bathroom, and thought in the morning that he'd been abducted. Peter, this is my friend Moderation. I bet you would really like her if you got to know her.

Photo: ABC

NAME: Robert
MOST LIKELY TO: Get Crushed On By Chris Harrison
IDENTIFYING FEATURES: During the introductions, Chris Harrison could not stop saying how much this 30-year old law student looks like Tom Cruise. It's cool that Robert seems to be a feminist, saying he appreciates when then woman pursues him, despite cultural norms, and I love all the traveling he's done to places like Peru, China, Taiwan, and Spain, but -- DO YOU SORT OF SEE IT IN THE EYES AND THE SMILE? Anybody? No??

Photo: ABC

NAME: Will
MOST LIKELY TO: Reinvent Himself At The House
IDENTIFYING FEATURES: He introduced himself as "Willie G" on Ellen, and said he was from Miami by way of NYC, which were potentially dealbreakers for me, but I'm willing to give the 28-year old sales manager another shot. He likes travel, hates Tinder, and says he's shy at first, but all that could change when he steps out of the limo. Will reminds me of one of those kids who introduces himself as a new name on the first day of college, and you don't find out until Winter Break that no one at home calls him that.

Photo: ABC