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Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson and Zac Efron hit the beach this holiday weekend to pop off their shirts and thwart some evil-doers in the new comedy Baywatch. But long before Johnson and Efron were saving swimmers, David Hasselhoff and his sexy cadre of beach beauties were keeping our nation safe on the small-screen. Airing for over a decade in syndication, Baywatch was one of the most-watched TV shows in the world. One more time for emphasis: Baywatch was one of the most-watched TV shows in the world.
One of the reasons for the show’s global success is its rollicking theme song. It’s the type of inspirational anthem you’d expect to hear moments after climbing a mountain, chugging a frosty beer, and saluting Old Glory. Written by Jimi Jamison, “I’m Always Here” is as melodically pleasing as it is unabashedly sexy. Starring a who’s who of hotness that includes Pamela Anderson, Yasmine Bleeth, David Chokachi, Carmen Electra, Jason Simmons, and more Playboy Playmates than a Charlie Sheen birthday party, the campy, provocative intro is packed with scantily clad women and half-naked dudes.
Before we hit the theater to watch the next generation of hot lifeguards fight crime, let’s take a look back at the seductive lunacy of the iconic Baywatch intro.
Some people stand in the darkness
Afraid to step into the light
As a child of the ’90s, I can confirm that Baywatch was basically on television 24/7. Did the series flaunt its sex appeal? Sure. But it also flashed a sexy little number I like to call real issues. Per Wikipedia, here are a smattering of plots selected from the 242 episodes of this aquatic delight.
- An underwater photographer is attacked and more than a few people believe a sea monster is responsible.
- Summer, Matt, and Slade all go into an underwater cave searching for Matt’s surfboard when Summer is pulled down and nearly killed by an octopus.
- A group of ruthless modern day pirates take a millionaire couple hostage and place them under water on the wreckage of a sunken oil platform with handcuffs and air for six hours.
- The lifeguards must save the lives of those on a pier that catches fire; a man that thinks he is a vampire causes problems for Mitch; Cody asks C.J. to paint his portrait.
- A beautiful jewel thief tricks Hobie into asking her to join him and the other lifeguards on a cruise to Alaska.
A killer octopus? Vampires? Modern day pirates!!!!! You gotta respect a show that lifts 90% of its plots from dollar store romance novels.
Some people need to help somebody
With the edge of surrender insight
Don’t you worry, it’s gonna be alright
Both the Pamela Anderson gif and the above image of David Chokachi are from the intro, which routinely aired during the day. Nothing says “Let’s watch a little lazy Saturday afternoon TV” like barely concealed boobs and dong!
First thought:
Second thought:
The eye candy may have attracted viewers to the show in droves, but fans would soon discover that lifeguarding is so much more than perfecting your smoldering gaze in-between two-a-day ab workouts.
Cause I’m always ready
I won’t let you out of my sight
Think Baywatch is just exceptionally hot people in various stages of undress seductively smiling while they stand near water? Wrong. That’s only 80% of it. The other 20% is high-octane action.
According to empirical evidence collected from years of consuming Baywatch reruns, deadly criminal acts happen once every 15-minutes on the beautiful yet treacherous beaches of Los Angeles, California. The only man standing between justice and complete anarchy is Mitch Buchannon (The Hasselhoff). The word hero didn’t truly exist until Mitch Buchannon became a lifeguard. He didn’t ask for this life; he was born to keep a very specific five mile area near the Pacific Ocean safe while defusing bombs, punching jerks, and hooking up with hotties.
I’ll be there, I’ll be ready
Never you fear, now don’t you fear
I’ll be there, forever and always, I’m always here!
Why does Mitch Buchannon put his life at risk every single time he dons those iconic red trunks? Because he answers to a higher power. God? No. The president? Never. The White House is too far away from a large body of water to be taken seriously. Mitch Buchannon worships and protects the only deity that truly matters: The Beach. It’s a thankless, dangerous job, but he does it. You know why? Because, dammit, he’s a f*ckin’ lifeguard.
Enjoy watching the Baywatch movie this weekend, but never forget that David Chokachi once popped out of the water like a super sexy sea monster sent from the aquatic heavens above with the sole directive of seduction.
