Fun
Frisky
Nostalgic
Intense
Adventurous
Choked Up
Curious
Romantic
Weird
I watch House of Cards for two reasons: to see Kevin Spacey wear the hell out of suits, and to hopefully see Frank Underwood make out with a dude. What can I say? I’m a gay man with a very specific idea of what I want from Netflix’s longest-running series—and what I want is some Spacey-on-dude action! And I’m willing to binge hours of circuitous political plot lines to get it. The show, on the other hand, isn’t interested in living up to its same-sex steamy potential. House of Cards keeps baiting this here queer by including usually one scene a season where the sociopathic president buys a one-way ticket to the bonezone—and then never boards the bus!
I’ve had the hots for Kevin Spacey since way back. I was the only 20-year-old guy in Tennessee to see Beyond the Sea in the theater! I started watching House of Cards back in 2014 because of the rave reviews and also the promise that I’d get to look at Spacey consistently out dapper himself. Hell, the first scene of episode one features Spacey in suspenders! Formal attire, it’s the way to my heart. And then in episode eight of Season One, we get our first hint that Frank’s also down with dudes. During a visit to his alma mater, Frank encounters an old friend. Halfway through the episode, the pair engage in a late night one-on-one push-up contest that is basically a sex scene.
The camera looms over their bodies as they push in and out frame. All you can hear are sweaty grunts and the phrase “don’t quit on me.” The two let out guttural moans of release, and then they both fall backwards on the ground, lying next to each other. Exercise hasn’t been this gay since Olivia Newton-John’s “Let’s Get Physical” video.
The two also share what might just be the most tender exchange in the entire series. Frank tries to reminisce with his old buddy Tim about all their “messing around.” “I was so drawn to you,” Frank tells Tim. “You meant something to me, I believe that.” Frank Underwood is a total monster, one absolutely willing to shove a girl in front of a train or a world into war. This moment, between Frank and Tim, is a peek at Frank as he was, back when he was presumably in love with a guy.
And the scene ends with Frank getting sick and the two falling asleep next to each other. No kissing! Just gentle hand holding! It shows just how desperate I am to see same-sex romance onscreen that an intimate bit of subtext between two married men reeled me in like that.
Then in season two we got the moment that everyone cites when I bring up House of Cards’ lack of man-on-man smooching. “But he had a threesome with Claire and Meechum,” they say. “That was totally explicit!” Yes, towards the end of Season Two, Secret Service agent Meechum (Nathan Darrow) gets drunk with Claire Underwood (Robin Wright). Claire leaves, Frank enters, and then he inspects a cut on Meechum’s hand. Meecham sloooowly clasps Franks hand, and Claire—watching the two of them like Nala from Lion King—engages both of them.
Smooch City, population: 3.
Claire kisses Meechum’s hand, Meechum kisses Claire’s neck while Frank kisses his wife on the mouth. And then it happens—or rather it doesn’t happen! Meechum leans in to plant one on Frank, but the momentum of the lean and movement of the camera pushes both Meechum and Frank offscreen. It looks like they kiss, but they’re mostly offscreen by the time they’re presumably locking lips, and then the scene slow dissolves into another scene!
I just got served some Bi Pie with a glass of No Homo-ade! This scene needed a Frank/Meechum kiss that was every bit as passionate and lengthy as the Frank/Claire one. That was not an equal opportunity three-way!
A year later, Frank almost got hot and heavy with a third guy. In episode 10 of Season Three, Frank summoned his presidential biographer Tom Yates (Paul Sparks) to the White House after hours. Sitting alone in the president’s dark living quarters, the two opened up. Tom confessed to being a sex worker and told Frank about his first John. Frank flirts with expressing genuine feelings (which is hard for monsters to do), asking Tom if they’re friends. “We can pretend,” Tom replies, to which Frank says that what’s between them isn’t pretend. There’s more subtle hand clasping, and Tom pulls Frank’s hand in close to his chest. Frank leans in close to Tom, the tension thicker than Frank’s Southern accent, and then he…tells Tom to go home!
Yeah, Tom, I was sad about that too!
Seriously, what is this show trying to do to me? When it comes to men murdering young women or an awkward Pussy Riot cameo, House of Cards is there. But if you want to see Frank Underwood do anything more than gingerly touch a guy’s hand, forget it!
Frank Underwood isn’t a role model. He’s not a hero. He’s not a good person. There are, thankfully, quite a few LGBT characters on TV that are role models, heroes, and good people. We are now at the time when queer characters can be absolutely despicable without having to worry about carrying the weight of all representation. Right now, Frank Underwood’s bisexuality (or is it more complicated than that? We’ll never know!) is treated as just another ingredient in his villainous recipe. It comes up when the show wants to add a very specific type of tension, one that’s rooted in a time when it wasn’t fine for guys to kiss guys on TV. Need help establishing a character as a threat? Have them mince around or flirt with the male hero! It worked with Cobra Commander and Skeletor! We’re past that now, and moments like the ones Frank had with Tim and Tom subvert the trope since they’re some of the only times when Frank Underwood has seemed genuine. Instead of his attraction to men being menacing, House of Cards almost shows it as redeeming—and then it slow dissolves away.
It’s 2017. Longing glances, implications, and delicate hand-holding ain’t cutting it anymore. I mean, have you seen American Gods?! I don’t expect Frank Underwood to be one half of an all-nude gay sex scene, as House of Cards doesn’t really do nudity. But come on, HoC, he can at least kiss a dude.
