‘The Bachelorette’ Recap, Season 13, Episode 2: A Lesson In Ghosting And Home Economics

Come on in and take your seats, please, gentlemen. This is, of course, Rachel Lindsay’s Finishing School for Boys, and some of you are late, which simply won’t do. We have a limited amount of hours in our curriculum to transform you from scrub nuggets into glistening diamonds, and we can’t do that if you’re not at your desks. Now, I’m going to bring in Headmistress Rachel —aka The Bachelorette—to begin today’s lesson, so please treat her with the utmost respect and remember that you are on television. (Lord help me, I’m getting too old for this.)

Class is in session.

Today we’re starting with the pledge of allegiance, which is basically every one of these dudes telling Chris Harrison how much they like Rachel. “Wow, she sure is beautiful, ABC.” “You sure did a great job casting her, ABC.” “Talk about ground-breaking, ABC — and attractive, too!” But soon the pledge is over and the syllabus arrives. (It’s a date card, because I’m attached to this metaphor now, and nothing can tear me from it.) It’s announcing a field trip for eight of the good boys: Dean, Jack, Tickle Monster, Bad Blake (RIP Good Blake), Iggy, Kenny, Hot Freddy, and Whaboom, and it says “I’m looking for husband material.”

That’s the class code for Home Ec 101, which is the lesson on today’s calendar. We enter to Rachel posed in front of a barbecue, and everyone eats, and then the lesson begins. It’s an obstacle course to test their potential as husbands, with men getting eliminated at each stage. They have to change a dirty diaper, get the cleaned-up baby into a Baby Bjorn, vacuum down a course, clear hair out of a clogged drain, find the diamond ring in the sink full of soapy dishes, set the table for dinner, and get a bouquet of flowers back to Rachel. And since this is a fancy finishing school for wayward boys, the lesson will be presided over by a real-life example of what these guys should be aiming for: Mila Kunis and Ashton Kutcher. They make sure every man present has a job and health insurance — Whaboom stays quiet for that part, so we still don’t know what he does — but tells Mila in their talking head that he doesn’t think Rachel’s husband is in this group. And I can’t help but agree, after watching Whaboom himself win the challenge with a straight-arm to Kenny’s chest.

And they still let him win, which is fucked up. I feel like if get violent someone during a challenge, you should have an example made out of you, and become ineligible for the win. But this isn’t my school, it’s Rachel’s, and hopefully the consequences of laying hands on a professional wrestler and single father will play out on their own. Mila and Ashton depart, clearly devastated that they failed Rachel, but with the silver lining of a promised blowjob, and the field trip moves to a second location. It’s never entirely clear to me where we are, except that there are video games and table snacks that no one touches, and that this is a Very Cool Hang. So everybody be cool.

Except for you, Bad Blake, you keep wasting your own time and that of those around you by scheming about how to get rid of Whaboom. Bonus points if you can find a way to work in a sentence like, “The one person who can ruin this for him is me. And I’m going to!” Bad Blake, I’m going to have to keep you after class, I think, to watch some previous seasons of The Bachelor and The Bachelorette. The villain is already going to be kept around for a few extra episodes, to make this show watchable, and every moment of air time you pour into him extends his stay. You’re only making him stronger.

But the Aspiring Skarsgard doesn’t even stand out as particularly bad, because no one is bringing the heat on this group date. We’ve got small talk, we’ve got poems with mis-pronounced words, we’ve got more reminders that Hot Freddy used to be a third-grader, and we’ve got poop-wiping advice. It’s an unremarkable pool, until Dean shows up to wreak some havoc on the curve. These two are flirting, they’re laughing, there’s touching, it’s great. Dean just leapt to the Top of the Class, for me, no question.

And meanwhile, back in the rest of the dude group, Bad Blake has decided to waste even more people’s time by telling Whaboom that he talked about him during his alone time with Rachel. Facepalm. Apparently the two have a pre-show connection, which I hadn’t realized. Blake says he lives with Whaboom’s ex-girlfriend, who talks shit about him all the time and says he’s only on The Bachelorette to be on TV, not for Rachel. (#wrongreasons) But Whaboom has a different read, saying his ex-girlfriend says that Bad Blake is actually the crazy one. So these two clearly have beef, and are probably both wrong, but nobody can sum up the situation quite like Kenny.

God bless you, Kenny, I’m grateful for you. And clearly so is Rachel, as she can tell from their alone time that he’s a great dad. He shares that he has no time to waste, and she says she feels the exact same way. No smooches, but I still feel good about Kenny as a student. Just not quite as good as I feel about Dean’s List (yup, that’s happening), who not only wins the group date rose, but takes the initiative to walk Rachel back to the car, where he finally gets the nerve to lay a smooch on her. And it’s a good smooch! Rachel likes the smooch! A+ smooch. I see good things ahead for you, Dean’s List. Please keep up the good work.

And speaking of strong students, another of our most promising pupils is back at the mansion being rewarded right now. Peter gets the one-on-one date card, which says, “I’m looking for my best friend.” Hell yeah, dude. Excellent choice. We show up at an airstrip, and the plan is to head to Palm Springs, but there’s a hint of drama when Rachel reveals that this is actually a two-on-one. But don’t fret — she’s actually just referring to her dog Copper, who’s coming along because we’re going to a FUCKING DOG PARTY in Palm Springs called BarkFest. I don’t want to get ahead of myself, but if anyone ever invites me to a dog party in Palm Springs, you can bet that we’re gonna stop at a wedding chapel on the way there for a quick elopement.

And this date is honestly going really well, even though Copper is in a full-leg cast and we never hear why. And then he goes in the pool with it, and he walks a bunch, and this is fine, I’m totally not distracted from their conversation. (I am distracted from their conversation.)

From what I can gather, they’re talking about how they’d each be open to moving, which seems really positive. And as the conversation moves to dinner, they’re bonding over their gap teeth and going to therapy, which is so rare on this show that I’m honestly gonna spooge right here, right now. EXCEPT. You guys, I am not convinced that Peter is into Rachel. Maybe he just has walls up or whatever, because he says the right things in his talking heads, but this is not the kiss of two people who are equally attracted.

He wasn’t gonna kiss her! Not like you gotta on a first date, but this is The Bachelorette! We move fast here, and if you’re into her, there are ways you kind of need to telegraph that. So while Peter still has a very solid report card, I’m writing SEE ME on his most-recent essay, because we need to talk.

The third field trip this week is also a group date, and will be attended by ten men: Will, Jamey, Diggy, Alex, Adam, Lee, Matt, Eric, Josiah, DeMario. The card says “swish,” so this lesson is clearly Physical Education, and we’re about to see which of the scrubs in the house don’t know how to play basketball. Going with the theme of celebrity guests — Ashton and Mila and Copper — we’ve invited Kareem Abdul Jabbar to sit in on this amateur hour. Because there’s nothing better than the all-time lead scorer in the NBA having to pretend to be impressed by DeMario dunking on a singer-songwriter. Or on Rachel herself. Or just dunking at all. (Please be quiet, DeMario, before I have to separate you from the rest of the young men.)

The guys run some drills for a little bit, and there are attempts to connect basketball to romance, and how much you can tell about a guy when he plays, and then they’re split into two teams. They pack the stands, and Rachel sits back to see who has that combination of skill and character that she’s looking for. And I hate to say it, but it’s looking like it has to be DeMario. Everyone else is just so bad at basketball that he’s standing out like a sore thumb. And yes, I’m aware that that metaphor is negative. In this case, it should be. You can’t not pick DeMario as the standout on this date, because he is just that cocky and in your face.

OR MAYBE YOU CAN’T. Just as Rachel is coming around to his very aggressive charms, in walks Lexi. Now even having watched the episode, I’m not exactly sure what I should call Lexi, because she and DeMario disagree on the space she occupied in his life. Lexi says she is DeMario’s girlfriend of seven months, and that he still has a key to her apartment. She says they were in regular communication until one day, it cut off with no warning, and the next time she saw him, it was on After The Final Rose. Oh dude, you busted.

DeMario’s response to these claims, once Rachel goes and gets him, is to call Lexi crazy and flatly deny everything. As he’s walking out, he looks like he’s about to deny even KNOWING her, looking around frantically and saying, “Who’s this??” But the more Rachel presses him for answers, the cagier he becomes, acknowledging more and more aspects of her story as he scrambles for an escape route. I think that if he had just been open from the beginning of the conversation, Rachel might have kept him around, because Lexi isn’t exactly the most credible witness. She kept interrupting and screaming at DeMario, and was clearly trying to take him down. But baby girl kept the receipts, and once she showed Rachel the texts, DeMario just kept getting caught in more and more lies, and digging himself into a deeper and deeper hole. And ultimately, Rachel has had enough, and she issues her suspension.

She’s a nice teacher, but you don’t get to walk all over her! And that includes you, ABC crew. Chris Harrison is all posted up in the key ready to talk to her when she comes back in, and she’s having none of it. She doesn’t want to talk to the cameras because she’s so angry, so she goes straight to the guys to explain the situation. She breaks down in front of them, encouraging anyone else with a similar situation or a lack of interest to go home, because she doesn’t want to be played or made a fool of, or look like a joke.

And to the men’s credit, they do an excellent job distracting Rachel from this grossness in her day. Diggy, in particular, I thought had a great attitude about it, and I’m flagging his report card for future review. I’m not super into Josiah and his whole protectiveness thing, but she’s into it. From my outside perspective, I think he just realizes he was too close with DeMario for comfort, and had to spin the situation in his favor, like he also got played. And the way he did it worked, and ended up with him getting the group date rose, so good on ya, bud.

I do need to make a quick note for my files that Diggy voiced being appreciative that Rachel really knows what she wants, and Eric asked about her Love Language. (It’s Quality Time and Physical Touch.) Extra credit points all around, and also, this is what a kiss looks like when you’re really into it.

After-party. Diggy knows it’s his job to distract her. Making her concerned that other men are fooling her. Josiah spinning it that he also felt played. Diggy likes that she knows what she wants. Singing, reading things. Omg Eric asked about her Love Language. Only reason I need to remember his name. Hers is quality time and physical touch.

Take some notes or get the eff out, Peter. There are plenty of people in the world who’d be very excited to date you if you don’t have the requisite spark with the most compelling Bachelorette of all time. (Hi, hello, it me.)

Back at the mansion, Tongue Bryan gets ahold of Rachel again, and reintroduces her to the inside of his mouth, while out on the driveway, we learn that someone has arrived looking for Rachel. It is of course DeMario, who wants to talk with her one more time. It’s gonna be a real shame to interrupt this thumb war with Iggy — it ended up actually being a conversation with Hot Freddy — but Chris Harrison goes and pulls Rachel aside to tell her what’s up. He says the decision is entirely hers as to what she wants to do, and Rachel says she’s curious, and starts to head out onto the driveway.

Hot Freddy and Lee were close enough to overhear, so they go inside to rally the dudes, and the whole group moves out front. And that, naturally, is where we leave today’s lesson: on a cliffhanger. These scrubs be wylin’ out, and I expect much better behavior at our next class. Please remember to do your homework, which in this case is double-checking that you don’t have a girlfriend at home, and I’ll see you next week.

Alexis Rhiannon (@mindtheclam) is a freelance writer and comedian who grew up in Portland, Oregon, and is now located in New York City. Her interests include reality television, bar trivia, pop culture conspiracies, and someday cleaning her apartment. She can be seen monthly at the improvised show Live Dubbed Sitcoms at Videology in Williamsburg.

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