‘House of Cards’ Doesn’t Want Men Kissing

As I’ve already made perfectly clear, I watch House of Cards to see Kevin Spacey hook up with dudes. Okay, I also watch it because Robin Wright is a boss (whether she’s an Amazonian general or the Vice President), because I’m all about Neve Campbell’s return, and because Season Five actually pulled the show out of its funk. Still, I watch this show because of the dapper devil that is Frank Underwood. Spacey’s bisexual manipulator-in-chief is also one of TV’s most prominent queer characters, but–as I’ve already written at length about–House of Cards isn’t super interested in exploring that aspect of Frank’s character. Or maybe it’s that Kevin Spacey just does not want to full-on make out with a guy on camera.

Just like in previous seasons, Season Five of House of Cards dangles the promise of same-sex smooching in front of its audience, particularly its gay audience (which includes me). And just like in previous seasons, it comes up short. Claire gets steamy with Tom (Paul Sparks), Doug Stamper (Michael Kelly) inexplicably hooks up with Campbell’s LeAnn, and Frank gets dangerously close to his personal trailer Eric (Malcolm Madera). There’s just one difference between all those sex scenes: we don’t really see Frank and Eric do anything. Just like Season Two’s infamous Frank/Claire/Meechum three-way, House of Cards pulls away as soon as Frank’s lips touch Eric’s, cutting to this shot:

Sorry, I forgot to tag that big mass of shadows NSFW!

While the buildup to the moment was the hottest man-on-man action we’ve seen in this show, it led to an unsatisfying conclusion. Instead of getting a profile shot, showing both faces engaged in a passionate and prolonged liplock, we got writhing silhouettes in a stairwell for a few seconds. And BTW, this is a show that is not afraid to show boobs and butts jiggling, grinding, and gyrating. This Frank/Eric moment was fully clothed and involved some torso touching, as well as some creepy strangulation.

So what gives? Is House of Cards really treating Frank Underwood’s same-sex inclinations differently? Is Kevin Spacey only tapping out when it comes to tapping men? To get to the bottom of this very pressing matter, I went through every single episode of House of Cards and broke down its sexiest moments. 

House of Cards is not afraid to show kissing. This is a serious, adult prestige drama on a streaming service that is free of Standards and Practices.  Of course there’s lots of kissing!

House of Cards’ kissing scenes run up and down the full intimacy spectrum, from tender kisses…

… to passionate and intimate embraces, sometimes between dead characters as part of a coma-induced hallucination.

The show even gives Frank’s toady Doug Stamper way more romance than his dead, gray heart deserves.

I want to point out just how most of these moments between men and women are shot: for one thing, you can usually see both people, as the camera’s facing their profiles. And even though kissing mostly goes down in the dark (unless you’re Joel Kinnaman’s family-oriented Will Conway), you can still usually make out who is giving whom some tongue.

Okay, all of these characters are supporting players. They aren’t the leads. Frank Underwood is the lead, and so is Robin Wright’s Claire Underwood. Does Claire get this kind of action?

Yes, Claire gets that kind of action. Claire gets hot and heavy with artsy blonde guys on the reg. Those relationships don’t end well (yikes, Season Five), but House of Cards isn’t afraid of showing Claire kiss and be kissed. Robin Wright goes for it, too; plenty of those kisses are epic, and Claire is half of one of the series’ most disturbing sexual moments (it follows the kiss directly above this paragraph, BTW).

Maybe Claire’s the only Underwood that gets to have unobstructed face contact. Maybe Kevin Spacey just doesn’t kiss anyone on the show! Is that the case?

That’s not the case. Frank and Claire have a truly unique relationship; it’s totally open, and both of them bed other people with their spouse’s total consent. Tom practically lives in the White House with them in Season Five, so he can be around to satisfy Claire’s needs. Frank and Claire usually hug, they rarely kiss. On average, Frank and Claire–the show’s lead couple–kiss once every eight episodes. Still, they kiss. Kevin Spacey kisses Robin Wright, no shadows, no camera tricks. In that threesome, the only mouth-on-mouth kiss you see is between Claire and Frank.

Could it be that Spacey only wants to kiss Robin Wright? Maybe he’s just not into doing sexy stuff. Well, that’s not true either, because he was fine with kissing Kate Mara (but not on the mouth) in Season One.

By the way, that scene lasts a while.

Considering that all of these moments have been between men and women, one could wonder if House of Cards just shied away from same-sex sex in general. If that’s what you’re wondering, let me expose you to reality:

Rachel (Rachel Brosnahan) and Lisa (Kate Lyn Sheil) get hot and heavy in season two. Hell, their sex scene comes almost immediately after the show’s not gay threeway, which just highlights how tame the show is when it comes to depicting Frank’s bisexuality. Seriously–compare those two Rachel/Lisa screenshots to House of Cards’ two man-on-man moments.

If closeups of hair and blurry cheeks or blobs of black shadow are your thing, then House of Cards is for you!

Seriously, what gives? Is it in Kevin Spacey’s contract that he not be shown getting busy with men on screen? This is frustrating because House of Cards doesn’t shy away from much. It apparently draws the line at showing Spacey kissing a man in the same lighting and angle as nearly every other kiss on the show. The fact that it’s Spacey only adds to the mystery, as there have been rumors about his sexuality for decades. The actor refuses to talk about his personal life, but ignoring rumors only makes them grow. He even poked fun at the rumors last week when he hosted the Tony Awards. But really, whether or not Spacey is gay IRL doesn’t mean anything for Frank Underwood. Spacey’s an actor playing a character, a character that pushes women in front of trains and down stairs. That’s acting! It’s just baffling that it seems like Spacey is okay with playing a scheming sociopath, but draws the line at getting physical with men–even if nearly everyone else on House of Cards has had to engage in well-lit heavy petting.

Whether or not House of Cards will come back for Season Six remains up in the air. If it doesn’t, it leaves behind a legacy as Netflix’s first original scripted series and one of the most daring dramas in the prestige TV era–and one with a really weird hang-up about showing guys kiss. If it does come back for another season, then I guess I will too–and I hope that House of Cards or Kevin Spacey or whoever finally relents and gives viewers (a.k.a. me) what they (a.k.a. I) want: just a kiss.

Photos: Netflix

Stream House of Cards on Netflix