The First ‘Transformers’ Isn’t Terrible: Don’t @ Me

Michael Bay gets a lot of shit for the Transformers franchise, and for the most part, it’s warranted. The films were bound to attract some eye-rolls – they’re based on a toy line. While the last few installments of the franchise have certainly drawn ire critically, they’ve continued to take in boatloads of money at the box office, and that’s probably thanks in part to Mark Wahlberg‘s addition to the series. These flicks have met the fate of many of the other big budget franchises that have overstayed their welcome (Pirates, among others) and continually churned out noisy sequels that have left critics and moviegoers scratching their heads. As the fifth movie, Transformers: The Last Knight hits theaters this weekend, it will undoubtedly do the same, but at this point, even Marky Mark is done. These are Not Good movies. This is literally a franchise that has hijacked the souls of our finest actors. John Turturro, Stanley Tucci, and Sir Anthony Hopkins have all become casualties of the Michael Bay machine, but hey guys, if Marky Mark can make it out, so can you. You don’t have to do this anymore. Acting icon rescue missions aside, it should be noted that the films weren’t always this bad. Things started out in a pretty good place.

I know what you’re thinking. “You’re really about to go to bat for Transformers? The Michael Bay toy robot movie that’s more explosions than dialogue?” But hear me out. There’s some good stuff here. (Also, Steven Spielberg executive produced it, but I can’t imagine he’s very proud of what’s followed).

2007 saw the first iteration of the franchise roll into theaters, and young stars Shia LaBeouf and Megan Fox were miraculously accompanied by screen vets like Jon Voight and John Turturro as they battled the evil robots from space and befriended nice robots who also happened to be cars. Sure, the premise is absolutely ridiculous, and there are entirely too many instances of objectifying Fox (who is portraying a teenager. Yuck, Michael Bay), but the action sequences are pretty thrilling, and LaBeouf (as usual) makes a compelling protagonist. Say what you want about the guy’s quirky persona, but before he came to resent his blockbuster upbringings, LaBeouf was delivering in some pretty dire situations – and Transformers is an (Optimus) prime example of this. As with a slew of other gigantic action movies, the flick is largely saved by its star and his willingness to run, sweat, and scream.

LaBeouf, along with his comic-relief parents (played by Julie White and Kevin Dunn), are the human touches in an otherwise underdeveloped list of characters, and their scenes together are fun. Who doesn’t love an angsty teen getting embarrassed by his quirky parents?! Come on! Even Bumblebee joins in on the fun. Humiliating Sam Witwicky is most characters’ pastime in this film when they’re not fighting the bad robots, and LaBeouf makes a great butt of the jokes. Don’t like the teen humor? No worries. Transformers also has a military men-heavy storyline, featuring total hunks Tyrese Gibson and Josh Duhamel, desert-set fight scenes, and lots of yelling masculine, combat-inspired one-liners at each other and explaining how real shit has gotten to the characters in denial. It’s a total action movie cliché that the flick embraces perfectly.

Did you forget the endearingly ridiculous side characters that largely do nothing for the plot? Well, I’ll remind you. Anthony Anderson and Rachael Taylor play hacker pals that get recruited by the Defense Department to help fight the robots on the computer, and boy, are they good. That’s right. Before Black-ish and Jessica Jones, these two were crackin’ codes and takin’ names for the U.S. government. If you’re not invested in LaBeouf and Fox, Anderson and Taylor totally the way to go. This interrogation scene (and donut theory) is proof enough.

If you’re still not sold on why this is not a terrible movie, chew on this. This is a film that makes you feel sympathy for car-robots. Yes. This is an action movie that makes you upset when you think a yellow Camaro/robot that speaks through the radio is in danger. That, in itself, is a massive accomplishment.

Don’t get me wrong. Transformers is not a great movie. It’s not even a good one. But it should not be categorized with its explosively awful sequels, because on a very basic level, it’s not bad. Transformers has the essential components for a decent action movie – a solid protagonist, love story, high stakes, and comic relief – and it does the best that it can with them.

I won’t die on any Michael Bay hills, though. That guy is a lost cause.