Fun
Frisky
Nostalgic
Intense
Adventurous
Choked Up
Curious
Romantic
Weird
I know everyone’s been asking, so yes, today is the day that we can finally have class outside. Everything is pointing to this being a very easy lesson, with some very easy choices, so I don’t see why we shouldn’t do this out on the quad. Just don’t you or one of your unrecognizable classmates make me regret it. We send the right people home, or we’re going right back inside to do our midterms under the fluorescents, is that clear? Good.
Class is in session.
We’re in Geneva, Switzerland, now, where I’m told there are six men still vying for The Bachelorette‘s affections and educational ministrations in the week before Hometowns. As I’ve shared before, I can see only four of their faces distinctly, and only on occasion, as they are periodically obscured by two pink smears. The first thing we find out is that Headmistress Rachel will be doing things differently this week: there will be no Rose Ceremony. Instead, she’ll be treating herself to three one-on-ones and then a group date, which will be a three-on-one, and roses either will or won’t be given out on each date. Call me crazy, but I think some of the senioritis of the contestants has started to wear off on their teacher, because Rachel just seems excited to get this process out of the way. That said, I do need her to take it at least a little more seriously, because if either Who or What go on a Hometown, I’m going to throw myself in a well.
Tongue Bryan gets the first one-on-one, which makes the smears very frowny, because he’s already had one. Even Vanilla Pete is starting to get jealous as Rachel and her Tongue in Shining Armor ride off together in a Bentley for A Very Fancy Day. He’s at the wheel and feeling very hashtag blessed as they go inside a watch store to pick out some timepieces for themselves and to hopefully see an unknown Swedish country artist singing “Tick Tock Goes My Heart” while they sway and smooch. But sadly we seem to have left all the no-name performers in the States, so all there is to do here is for Rachel to pretend to buy Tongue Bryan a watch, and for him to give her a tongue bath about it.
With the possibility of a free watch on the table, Tongue Bryan is escalating to Hand and Body Bryan, fully mounting Rachel in this watch store because producers are buying him a fucking watch. Do you really think Rachel is throwing her own goddamn money at this watch store in Geneva that we saw the outside of? You think they’re gonna air the sign on the exterior and anyone is paying any dollars for that ugly ass watch? No dude. If anything, they’re donating it as a thank you for the publicity. Clear out the stars in your eyes and the smooth, blemish-free apples in your cheeks, dismount, and come join the living in the world of the vertical. You still have the whole rest of your date to go on, and that Tongue Boat isn’t going to drive itself. My god you should see me grimacing through this whole thing.
Back at the house, they’re feeling similarly. The smears are beginning to realize that they’re the only ones who haven’t gotten one-on-ones yet.They’re also sitting on the balcony, which seems exceedingly dangerous, given how invisible they are. It seems like all it would take to send a smear plummeting into oblivion would be a carelessly placed elbow. And how are you supposed to avoid them when you don’t know where they are? In any case, Dean’s List isn’t worried. My sweet boy sees right through Tongue Bryan, calling out the fact that he’s a dude who’s been honing his sweet-talking skills for thirty-seven years in Miami. Those are some pretty hefty sweet-talking skills, but he’s confident that Rachel’s going to start seeing through him soon. Please god please, because the reputation of this storied academy is on the line. The future of Rachel Lindsay’s Finishing School for Wayward Boys is in jeopardy, because this particular boy seems to be nearing graduation, and is still quite wayward.
Case in point, Rachel tries to ask him the same question she always wants to ask him, which is, “Why are you still single?” He briefly starts talking about his family life, and then somehow turns it around so he’s having her describe the uniforms at her private school while his eyes flicker to her lap. Later, when backed into a corner, he acknowledges that his last relationship was “eerily similar” to this one, although he eschews the word “relationship” to instead refer repeatedly to his and Rachel’s connection as “what we got going on.” Damn, I need a second. I haven’t heard that kind of noncommittal talk since college, and all the red flags are overloading my adult brain.
Tongue Bryan also very casually drops the bomb that he and his last relationship ended right after he introduced her to his mom. In fact, he claims that the breakup was actually because of her, which I need a lot more information about. Does Tongue Mom suck? Are you lying? WHY ARE YOU SINGLE? We’ll soon find out, because Tongue Bryan gets the rose, and he’s going to Hometowns.
The next person to get that sweet sweet double dip on the one-on-ones is Dean’s List.
The smears are again quite restless, but we don’t spend much time with them, because Dean’s List is Going Through It. He’s not sure he even wants Rachel to meet his family, because his relationship with them isn’t the best. (And I spent this entire episode judging him for it and assuming his situation was something normal, but OH MY GOD IT ISN’T JUST WAIT FOR THE PREVIEW FOR NEXT WEEK.) Dean’s List and Rachel are going to Catholic mass in French, and a few other quiet places on this Sunday morning that really show off just exactly how up in his head Dean is right now. Rachel is looking to get past the fun, jokey stuff to something deeper, but my onscreen boyfriend is so stressed that he is losing his goddamn mind. She’s asking him questions and he’s literally responding with, “Hahahaha what’s your favorite dinosaur.” I’m low-key in love with this guy, and even I am about to tweak his ear and send him to the principal’s office. This is ridiculous. Pull it together.
After a full day of dino deflecting, Rachel is over it, and she’s pretty much ready to send him home. Which is also what the dudes at home think is going to happen, because Dean’s List is so uncomfortable getting vulnerable. But finally finally FINALLY my baby boy is ready to talk about what exactly has had him so twisted up all day. He says, “my family is not gonna be the family that you want to see,” because his dad turned really eccentric after the death of his mom. He says his dad hasn’t had much bearing on his emotional experience, and the family he really wishes Rachel could meet is the one he had up until age fifteen. He’s been worried all day that because family is important to Rachel, that she won’t be receptive to a non-traditional family, and I just want to squeeze his stupid head and kiss his stupid mouth. And so does Rachel. She’s relieved to be able to give him the rose, now that he’s talking like a human instead of a teen robot, and we’re going to Aspen, baybee!
But not before we get those smears even more riled up, because Vanilla Pete is getting that third one-on-one. Which means that three men — Eric and the smears — are going on a date with potentially just one rose. Yo, I gotta say: bold. I love it very much, because I think Rachel is legit only going on one-on-ones with people she’s super interested in now, but that’s so ice cold to the guys who never got solo time. And speaking of ice cold, we’re going up to the Alps, first in a helicopter, and then in a dogsled. Rachel says she’s been missing Vanilla Pete steadily since his first one-on-one, and now he gets the last one also. It’s looking pretty good for the classic flavor, and I mean that very literally. Vanilla Pete looks fine as hell in the snow, even as he’s saying he almost left the show a few times, when it got particularly tough.
He’s really glad he stayed, but he’s also being honest in a way that’s…a lot. Rachel asked everyone to keep it 100, but we’re getting significantly above that, maybe to 429 or so. He acknowledges he’s never dated a black woman before, but reassures Rachel that his parents will be welcoming. It’s when he starts talking about his last relationship that things get weird. He’s literally getting choked up thinking about her and the way they left things. He says he loved this woman, but couldn’t give all his love to her, and starts crying remembering the way she looked in his rearview mirror as she pulls away. This. Is. More. Than. 100. He can’t guarantee he’ll be ready to propose by the end, and Rachel is like OKAY VERY GOOD TO KNOW THANK YOU I LITERALLY HAVE FIVE OTHER YOUS AT HOME RIGHT NOW.
She does give him a rose, however, because she feels like she still has enough time with him to figure out where he’s at and if he’s ready. I’m gonna say a hard no, but what do I know. She does at least trust that he wouldn’t have accepted the rose if he didn’t see a future with her, which is a positive thing.
So going into this three-on-one, there is, just as they feared, just one rose up for grabs, because the other three Hometown slots are already taken. But don’t worry, the smears aren’t worried. One of them is very cocky indeed. He thinks he has the strongest relationship with her of anyone else in the house. So apparently he is blind and deaf in addition to having no corporeal form. For the date itself, everyone gets loaded up on a boat to head to France. And even though they keep saying it’s a three-on-one, I only see Eric and Rachel, so I don’t know what to tell you.
The good news is, Eric is killing it. He’s saying he wants to be a support system for Rachel, and talking about how she brings happiness out of him. He’s literally making her tear up by telling her she has a right to be selfish and that she deserves it. Which I haven’t seen any of the other guys do.
I am loving Eric lately, dude. He definitely wins Most Improved, and he’s even calling himself out on it, talking about how much he’s changed since being on the show. And I see it! She’s drawing him out of himself in a really amazing way. I’m just not convinced at the moment that he’s doing the same thing to her, yet. Or that she’s letting him.
But there are two other concentrations of beige energy on this date, so I guess we should talk about them. One of them is getting sent home right now, even though he’s the guy on the show who reminds Rachel the most of herself. This is the most emotional I’ve seen her at a goodbye, and it’s enough to help me see this smear’s true form, even if it’s just momentarily. His features briefly resolve as I see why he’s so important to her, and as I absorb his dark eyes and vague facial hair, and his turned up collar, the word “MATT” associates itself with him. But as quickly as I have known and recognized and internalized this MATT, he is gone, and I cannot bring him to mind again.
And now we’re going to a second location, still carrying the dead weight of another smear, and I’m exercising my fifth amendment right not to write about him. I’m too exhausted by the last one — HATCH? — to get involved with another one so soon. I’m hearing him ask for validation and use Rachel’s safe word “skeptical,” and I really just can’t. He’s telling her how easy this decision should be, and guess what baby boy, it is. Please let me help you, headmistress. I know just what to do.
First, Eric has to dig a little hole for himself, though, telling her that she would be the first girl he’s ever brought home, and talking to her about growing up in Baltimore. (V romantic, in case you were wondering.) He says he’s seen a lot of things, and it’s turned him into someone who helps others, but he wants to be able to let his guard down and be helped, also. She says she feels like she’s having a good, deep conversation with Eric, but her face is a study in “idk about this.”
Listen, it’s just really hard to choose between these two guys! One of them is a fully-fleshed out human man who is here for you and wants to be a resource, and the other is a streak of foundation on a mirror. He’s what happens when you fall asleep on the train and your cheek hits the window. Just go ahead and give the rose to the other guy. We honestly don’t even have enough footage of this other smear to cobble anything together if he makes it any farther. And finally, blessedly, he doesn’t. Eric gets the rose, and Rachel is so exhausted from saying goodbye to CARP that she can’t even summon the tears at this point. And who can blame her? I briefly knew the name and the face of the other smear, although I have forgotten now, but this one sails away as the same wispy, blushing cloud. There will be no Hometown for this cirrocumulus, and I couldn’t be happier.
At least I thought I couldn’t, until I caught a glimpse of that preview, and saw what we’re working with in the Dean Daddy department. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN WE HAVE A WIZARD DADDY. We’re talking a full lavender outfit, turban and full beard and all.
Don’t you dare be late next week, class. We honestly might take our entire time solely talking about what I just saw, and I don’t want to hear a single complaint about it.
(One last thing while we’re at it. I’d like to give a special shout-out to the producer who arranged this prime fountain ejaculation shot. Truly a magical moment, don’t you agree?)
Alexis Rhiannon (@mindtheclam) is a freelance writer and comedian who grew up in Portland, Oregon, and is now located in New York City. Her interests include reality television, bar trivia, pop culture conspiracies, and someday cleaning her apartment. She can be seen monthly at the improvised show Live Dubbed Sitcoms at Videology in Williamsburg.
