‘Game Of Thrones’: What If Washington D.C. Were Westeros?

POPULISTS are THE WILDLINGS: Looked down upon for many years, the surge of populists have recently become a force to be reckoned with. They care little for royalty, bow to no establishment, and have settled in just below the northern border (Wisconsin especially).

TED CRUZ is STANNIS BARATHEON: A man of principle, he makes it way further into the war of the five kings than any expected, given just how unlikable and arrogant he can be. He originally tried to rally the populists to his side but eventually met his doom on the battlefield, and not even the powers of Melisandre could save him. Speaking of Melisandre…

KELLYANNE CONWAY is MELISANDRE: A mysterious woman of strange powers and guile, she originally supported Ted Cruz at the beginning of the election, but when he failed, Kellyanne —being the survivor that she is— quickly found her new Prince who was Promised, Jon Snow.

PRESIDENT DONALD J. TRUMP is JON SNOW: Obsessed with his wall and protecting the border, Trump would stop at nothing to accomplish the impossible. After he was ambushed by a secret tape of locker room talk, he was left a wreck, with all around him acknowledging he was good as done and dead for. But it was not to be, seemingly rising from the dead, and with the help of his loyal wildling populists, Trump —the King of the North—rallied, ready for war.

SEAN SPICER is SAMWELL TARLY: The poor guy means well, really he does. And he’s SO very loyal. But what can you say. The poor bastard is a living SNL skit.

STEVE BANNON is GHOST: Feral, savage, and white as hell, Ghost is Jon Snow’s enforcer. And so for Trump is Steve Bannon, an ally who knows only how to attack and kill, full of rage and focused on destroying any who would dare cross him.

JEB BUSH is ROB STARK: Crowned King of the North early on, he quickly moved to clear the field and built a machine of war. Sadly, it was a premature pronouncement, for the honorable leader would be eventually be cut down and betrayed by his own.

MARCO RUBIO is RAMSAY BOLTON: A spineless, treacherous, backstabbing liar, Ramsay Bolton will say or do anything to get what he wants. Which is quite similar to Marco Rubio, who never wants to wait and would shank even those who built him to have his chance to rule. Unfortunately for him, Jon Snow ended his ambitions once and for all.

JIM COMEY is THE 3-EYED RAVEN: Always watching, this mysterious creature has eyes everywhere and knows the whole story, and has carefully passed his knowledge down to Bran (Robert Mueller) after he is cut down in battle.

IVANKA TRUMP is DAENERYS STORMBORN: They told her she wasn’t fit to rule, and she proved them all wrong, taking her seat alongside some of the greatest leaders in the realm. The daughter of a mad king, her limitless ambition and skill have gotten her much further than any could have imagined.

REINCE PRIEBUS is TYRION LANNISTER: A capable manager frequently charged with bringing order and normalcy to chaotic teams, Reince always seems to find himself in the middle of trouble. While skilled and with a list of successes to his name, he frequently finds himself in the crossfire when, inevitably, his allies begin fighting among themselves.

DONALD TRUMP, JR. is JORAN MORMONT: Never getting the acceptance he needed from his father, Jorah set off to become a fighter and adventurer. However, when he comes in contact with a foreign agent that he doesn’t tell anyone about, he is infected by grayscale. Praying no one discovers his secret that he is tainted, Donald Jr remains a loyal defender of his master, hopeful one day he will earn their validation.

VLADIMIR PUTIN is VARYS: A wealthy spymaster with birds listening everywhere… who the hell is this shady guy really working for? For a while he had Jorah Mormont working for him, but his aim appears to be toppling King’s Landing. Is he really an ally to Ivanka’s family, or is he playing both sides, seeking only to leave chaos in his wake? We may never truly know…

MITCH MCCONNELL is LITTLEFINGER: The ultimate insider, the dealmaker, the kingmaker, the survivor, Littlefinger was struck down at an early age and nearly died. Similarly, Mitch McConnell survived polio in his youth, to eventually rise to become one of the most powerful men in the realm. It’s often said Washington is littered with the bodies of people who underestimate Mitch McConnell, and his skill and drive mirror Littlefinger’s perfectly.

BERNIE SANDERS is THE HIGH SPARROW: An old man who speaks out constantly for the poor demanding the rich give their fair share, the High Sparrow is surrounded by the Faith Militant, the Bernie Bros of Westeros. They listen to no one but their master and mindlessly fight any who oppose his will.

ELIZABETH WARREN is MARGAERY TYRELL: Focused on being popular, Margaery knows how to play the game. While she often finds herself at odds with Cersei, an uneasy alliance exists, if only on the surface. She tries to align herself to the demands of the Faith Militant, and acts as a champion for the poor.

JOHN PODESTA is QYBURN: The mad scientist, Qyburn is given whatever assets he needs to put together the campaign Cersei needs for her revenge. Up to the task, he becomes her right hand man and creates a seemingly unstoppable monster for her.

HILLARY FOR AMERICA is THE MOUNTAIN: Brought back from the beyond with some added new parts, Ser Gregor Clegane, the Mountain, is much like Hillary’s campaign. Back from the dead from her first run, with the addition of some of Obama’s campaign team, it’s a seemingly unstoppable giant, built to destroy any in Hillary’s way.

BILL CLINTON is SER JAIME LANNISTER: Known and loved throughout the realm (especially by many women admirers), Jaime Lannister is but a shadow of his former self, with only one hand and slowed with age. So it is with former president Bill Clinton, who doesn’t have the same fight he previously did yet continues to be an asset for his family. And just as Jaime can’t go anywhere without being mocked by people whispering “Kingslayer,” Bill too is forever tainted by his White House scandals.

HILLARY CLINTON is CERSEI LANNISTER: Her entire life she’s had to live in the shadows of powerful men. Finally, it’s her time to rule … or is it? Cersei ended Season 6 just as Hillary ended the primary, blowing up and destroying her enemies. She had enough of waiting, and the ultimate power seems finally to be within her reach. She organizes her own coronation, and is ecstatic, thinking at long last she rules all the lands, unaware of the storm that is to come…

There it is, the ultimate list of Who’s Who if Washington were Westeros. If you need a quick refresher before the season premiere on Sunday, check out Decider’s guide here. Otherwise, be sure to binge watch episodes to catch up if you need to because Winter is Here.

Comfortably Smug is a government relations professional with a focus on the financial services industry. He can be found on Twitter with his musings on all things finance and politics at @ComfortablySmug