Fun
Frisky
Nostalgic
Intense
Adventurous
Choked Up
Curious
Romantic
Weird
It’s time to check back in on that wonderful fever dream known as Riverdale.
Season 1 of The CW’s sultry teen noir solved the mysterious murder of Jason Blossom, while Season 2 is doubling down on the action as an evasive serial killer known as The Black Hood terrorizes this once quaint hamlet. Fred Andrews? Shot. Miss Grundy? Dead. Jughead? Still brooding, but now he drives a motorcycle.
Thanks to the show’s unpredictable nature and penchant for absurdity, Riverdale has blossomed into a bonafide water cooler show. We’re only four episodes into the second season and Archie and the gang have already gifted us with so many delightfully ludicrous moments, and I mean that in the best possible way. I genuinely love this weird, wacky show. With its unique combination of over-the-top drama, idiosyncratic dialogue, and genuine intrigue, Riverdale is perfect dessert television.
There are roughly 101 more moments we could have included on this list but, sadly, there are only so many hours in the day. Let’s revisit a few of the most insane moments from the first four episodes of Season 2.
Season 2, Episode 1: “Chapter Fourteen: A Kiss Before Dying”
1. Great moments in Riverdale dialogue 1: Alice Cooper
You gotta respect an insult that sounds like it originated from a Shakespearean sonnet.
2. The Five Stages of Grief: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Shower Sex
Not to disparage the sanctity of shower sex, but Archie just finished washing his dad’s blood off his body moments before Veronica pops in for a bit of splish splash naked fun.
3. FYI, Jughead is tough now. He’s associated with the Southside Serpents. He rides a scooter motorcycle. He…
… uses the term “hidey-hole?”
4. Great moments in Riverdale dialogue 2: Cheryl Blossom, a dame with a penchant for 50-year-old pop culture references.
I don’t think I’ll ever threaten my bed-ridden mother while visiting her in the hospital, but if I do, I’ll be sure to take a cue from Cheryl and deliver my warning like a time-traveling gangster who just enrolled in the Cinematic Studies program at NYU.
5. Opinion: Sneaking into a hospital room and kissing an acquaintance’s father on the head is weird.
But nobody in Riverdale seems to think so!
Noted sociopath and burgeoning town arsonist Cheryl Blossom decides to give Fred Andrews a quick kiss on the head kiss because Archie once gave her mouth to mouth. “You gave me the kiss of life, now I’m giving it to your dad,” Blossom explains, like a weirdo you’d ignore on the subway.
Instead of saying, “Hey, that’s not the way human beings behave or how oxygen works,” Archie just lets it slide.
Season 2, Episode 2: “Chapter Fifteen: Nighthawks”
6. Archie’s involved in so many different murder mysteries that he added the sheriff’s office to his contacts.
7. This. Is. The. Flyer. Archie. Made. To. Help. The. Police. Capture. His. Father’s. Shooter.
I swear to maple syrup that this show is going to break my brain. This looks like a something a five-year-old would create. HE’S IN A HOOD, ARCHIE. Your flyer is useless.
8. Some people ship Jughead and Betty, while others prefer Archie and Veronica. Me? I’m more of a Jughead and Pop Tate man.
One of my favorite parts of Riverdale, and just life in general, is how everyone on the show refers to Pop as “Pop Tate.” What a name. What a life. What a show.
9. Great moments in Riverdale dialogue 3: Jughead, a walking IMDB.
Nightmare on Elm Street 3? A+ specificity, Juggy.
10. Jughead has an airtight plan to get his father out of prison.
Hmm. I like the initiative. What does your nefarious pal, who’s named ‘Tall Boy’ because of course he is, think about all of this?
I love that someone named “Tall Boy” is the only voice of reason in Riverdale.
11. Hey, what should we call the dangerous drug that’s corrupting the youth of Riverdale?
Perfect. Yes, I know that “Jingle Jangle” is a reference to an old song by The Archies but still. Jingle Jangle? Jingle Jangle? JINGLE? JANGLE? Also, why do 95% of the scenes on this show look as if they’re shot inside a haunted house?
12. One day, I’ll be recounting this scene to a very disinterested receptionist as I check myself into a mental institution.
Since Tall Boy rudely dismissed Jughead’s “let’s just break him out of jail” scheme, our favorite beanie enthusiast decides to visit the evil lawyer of the Serpents. This is what she has to say moments after telling Juggy that there are no loopholes.
“But, if you get the victim’s family to forgive him, in front of a judge, that might shift things in FP’s favor. Instead of 20 years, he can get time served.”
Be right back. I’m going to take this bullhorn and travel to the peak of the highest mountain: *into the abyss* THAAAAT IIIISSSS A LOOOOPHOOOOLE.
Season 2, Episode 3: “Chapter Sixteen: The Watcher in the Woods”
13. Great moments in Riverdale dialogue 4: “I was just night-jogging, you know, as one does, and suddenly I hear gunshots.”
Kevin “World’s Worst Liar” Keller provides Riverdale audiences with the second worst attempt at deception in television history as he guilelessly attempts to conceal the fact he was hooking up in the woods.
Also, relax, Betty. People boning in the woods is literally the least of Riverdale’s concerns.
14. Archie: Hey, gang. Our former teacher and my ex-lover was brutally murdered.
Veronica: You guys should come over to my house and watch The Bachelor!
I agree, Archiekins. I agree.
15. Anyone need a new Bumble profile pic?
In case you haven’t noticed, he’s weird. He’s a weirdo.
16. “I can say with confidence that the police aren’t always the solution. Sometimes, we need to take matters into our own hands.”
“You need to strike back. Go on the offensive.”
“Have you ever had rum?”
These are actual words Hiram “ignore my handsomeness because I’m supposed to be menacing” Lodge says to Archie, an underage simpleton who can be easily manipulated into doing just about anything. He basically tells Archie to start a teenage militia.
Still, even Archie wouldn’t take Hiram’s advice literally and…
Oh. Okay. Cool gun, man. Hey, remember when Archie’s biggest problem was not knowing who Bob Dylan was? Simpler times.
17. How has Archie never heard of rum?
The following exchange is pure, unadulterated joy. Archie, whose intelligence can best be described as a sentient box of rocks, is asked by Hiram Lodge, a literal grown-ass adult, if he likes rum.
The first photo is Archie’s response. The accompanying gif is Veronica’s reaction to Archie’s response.
Not to oversell it, but this scene will be the Best Man at my wedding.
18. C’mon, guys. Renegade Teenage Militia 101: Either everybody goes shirtless or nobody goes shirtless.
This is not the way to present a united front against a diabolical villain.
19. Related, I’m 100% in on this fascinating origin story.
Season 2, Episode 4: “Chapter Seventeen: The Town That Dreaded Sundown”
20. How does a father react to the news that his teenage son is now the leader of a renegade militia?
LOL. The parents of Riverdale are the living, breathing worst. Lucy didn’t pull a football away from you, Fred. Your son is antagonizing a serial killer. At least Principal Weatherbee is taking this seriously by, let me check my notes, kicking Archie off the football team?
Good grief indeed.
21. Veronica clearly stole the design for her Red Circle swag from an old 7 Up commercial (or Target).
Expect a tersely worded cease and desist letter from Cool Spot, Riverdale.
22. Sure, Archie pulled a gun on some kids, but, also, THIS:
Agreed.
23. One more time with feeling: The parents of Riverdale are garbage.
Oddly enough, the next line of dialogue wasn’t “You’re all terrible people who should have your children taken away from you.”
24. Related, how does Fred Andrews react to discovering his son was assaulted?
By shrugging and walking away, naturally. There’s no good photo of that moment, so let’s all enjoy this gem instead:
25. And finally…
Which, honestly, is the greatest tragedy of all.
