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Let’s try a thought experiment, ladies and gentlemen: Imagine one Thanksgiving morning you wake up and, as per your usual routine, flip on the Macy’s parade (somehow inexplicably referred to as the “Macy’s Day Parade”, as if Thanksgiving has become “Macy’s Day”).

You’re watching the floats, bands and balloons go by, waiting for the Rockettes to kick and Santa Claus to ho, ho, ho into the iconic department store on 34th Street in Manhattan. Then, a Matt Lauer voiceover after the next commercial floors you: “Due to high winds in New York, the Macy’s parade this year was cancelled. But please enjoy this replay of last year’s parade.”

Would you be disappointed? Probably not. Because, let’s face it: while we look forward to seeing the Macy’s parade every year, once we sit down to actually watch it, it’s pretty damn boring. In fact, it’s more than boring; it’s a three-hour, frustrating slog that lulls you into a glazed look that has you reaching for the merlot before the Snoopy balloon even shows up. Why is it such a crushing letdown?

The floats and balloons are the same every year

The parade organizers usually introduce a couple of new balloons and floats per year, but 90% of the parade never really changes. Look, here’s a marching band from Kalamazoo playing “Jingle Bells!” There’s the turkey float! There’s the Underdog balloon (does anyone under 40 know who Underdog is?)! This is why, if you were watching a tape of last year’s parade and didn’t know it, there would be no indication that anything was amiss.

The announcer banter makes you want to stab your ear with a meat thermometer

Matt Lauer, Savannah Guthrie and Al Roker generally stick to a script when covering the parade for NBC (which is the “official” network for the parade and how most people watch it). If you think their shtick on the Today show is inane, then hearing them drone on about the float that’s sponsored by KFC being “finger-lickin’ good!” for three hours makes you want to go back to bed until Black Friday sales begin at 2 in the morning.

The lip-synching isn’t fooling anyone

Yes, we see you, Gwen Stefani, singing some merry song while holding a peacock-laden microphone. We see you “playing” your instruments, Goo Goo Dolls, and you, Flo Rida, we see you laying down some great rhymes. But we also know that you’re on a float with no speakers and you’re likely freezing your asses off, so we also know that everything you’re doing is completely fake. It’s as if parade performance technology hasn’t changed since 1973; problem is, it’s not fooling anyone anymore.

Too many promos for NBC shows

Oh, look, Anne Heche of The Brave just happens to be watching the parade! Oh, and there’s Megyn Kelly! Imagine that! Jesse Spencer of Chicago Fire is in the crowd! And, somehow, Al knows where they are and goes and talks to all of them. Again, this isn’t 1973 anymore: audiences are more sophisticated than that.

All of this being said, I can’t wait to sit down with my little daughter and watch the parade. And I’m sure most of you reading this will, too. But just don’t complain when you’re two hours in and want to stick your head in the turkey to escape.

Joel Keller (@joelkeller) writes about food, entertainment, parenting and tech, but he doesn’t kid himself: he’s a TV junkie. His writing has appeared in the New York Times, Slate, Salon, VanityFair.com, Playboy.com, Fast Company’s Co.Create and elsewhere.