Confirmed: This Season Of ‘The Bachelor’ Will Be Infuriating

It’s going to be a long JanuARIE. And FebruARIE. And…March. The 22nd season of The Bachelor kicked off last night, and the fact that there are FOUR women named Lauren competing for Arie Luyendyk Jr.’s heart quickly became the least eye roll-worthy fact about this season.

ABC recycled their December “get to know Arie” special into the first quarter of The Bachelor’s premiere episode, reminding (or presenting) viewers with a brief overview of his previous appearance within the franchise, when he “fell in love” with Emily Maynard on The Bachelorette in 2012. She broke his heart because she wasn’t feeling it anymore, and since then he’s been racing cars and selling real estate. He’s a good-looking dude, if a bit of a bore, but even The Kissing Bandit himself deserves a chance at love, and more importantly, at entertaining us through the winter months.

We ran through the introductory segments for a handful of the women, specifically the ones that will have no problem stirring the pot this season, and out of the gate it’s very clear that this can quickly turn into The Krystal Show. She’s a fitness coach who hands out bags of snacks to homeless people (a nice gesture on her part, but it’s clear that some less than nice gestures will be flung from her direction soon enough) and wasted no time letting it be known she is a woman READY for reality TV. Same message came through loud and clear from Braless Bekah.

So while The Bachelor‘s first episode seemed to be business as usual, the limo arrivals proved to be a bit problematic. You see, these women no longer have to just put on a pretty dress and bring their A-game while making a graceful exit from the limo. They also have to bring a present. When did the show set this precedent? A cute tag line should do the job, although these women found a way to exhaust (really, no pun intended) every single car-related cutesy quip imaginable. But several of these gals brought this man, who was already being presented with 29 gorgeous women to choose from, with a little trinket in an attempt to stand out. Tia’s tiny wiener (and joke that Arie definitely didn’t pick up on) sure does make her hometown unforgettable, but what about her? And the woman who brought gorgeous elephant cufflinks…what’s her name again? The presents stood out. The same can’t be said about the women. Enjoyed that “NICE BUTT” bumper sticker from whatshername, too.

There was a proposal and not one but two showoff-y cars that sped right past clever into desperate territory. Oh, but the driveway was nothing compared to what was happening inside the house. Chelsea, a blonde single mom, marinated in the insecurity that must’ve been spraying out of humidifiers throughout the mansion, and decided she would interrupt anyone else in order to get another chance to chat with Arie. Despite the fact that she darted at him to go first, she must have assumed that he’s a goldfish and had forgotten about her by that point. Yet the amount of time that had passed couldn’t have been longer than a movie’s length, even if it was a Judd Apatow film. Doesn’t matter, she needed to make her MARK. Another mark.

This was typical first night Bachelor behavior. But the cattiness was on a new level. Part of the speculation attached to Arie being named The Bachelor was that ABC was looking to break up the cycle of Instagram celebrities they’ve cultivated throughout the last few seasons of the show. But the thing about the women competing for Nick’s love last season? They mostly became (and remained) friends — even with Corinne by the end! There were the snide comments from time to time that came from hurt and insecurities, but not so much desperate competition. Already, one hour into this season, the claws were out and sharpened. An insatiable thirst has permeated this entire group, threatening to rob this season of any fun, and instead replace it with an unrelenting uncomfortableness.

In a 2018, when women are banding together to support each other, the bitchiness feels cringe-y and outdated here. When the women used their one-on-one time with Arie to exclaim how excited they are that he’s The Bachelor, it was hard not to wonder if they were convincing themselves of that fact more than him (thinking of you, Peter). So when a woman like Chelsea disregards the other women, with no interest in giving each of them a chance to have even 30 seconds to speak with Arie and so blatantly values her time over everyone else’s, that should maybe not be rewarded. TV or not, that’s not nice and that selfishness might prove to be a red flag for a lot of men. Oh, but yeah, she was handed the First Impression Rose. Arie! You’re now part of the problem.

This sets a terrible tone for the season. Arie wasn’t oblivious to this. He rewarded bad behavior, which breeds more bad behavior. The women will become more aggressive and selfish, and understandably so — they’ve been told this is the way to play the game if you want to win. But like, it’s not. Maybe you didn’t come here to make friends, but it is still possible — and probably even a nice added bonus to the experience. Nick did the same thing by rewarding Corinne last year, but again, the women remained mostly united and open. This current crop has already started to break off into cliques, depending on their time of arrival and if their name is Lauren (really, FOUR?!).

The Rose Ceremony was standard, but wow were the tearful goodbyes from the rose-less women depressing. Between a dead dad and a hopeful family, it’s been a while since a bummer like that has played out on TV a mere hours after these women even met the dude. It was a reminder that the entire episode was more gimmicky than ever before, more desperate, and overall, way less enjoyable. Perhaps this was an attempt to cover up for the dullness Arie is bringing to the whole thing, or even the total letdown it was that he was named The Bachelor in the first place (still thinking of you, Peter), but this is not the way to make the show what viewers want and expect it to be.

We’re one episode into the season and already, you’ve probably felt your shoulders tightening with tension. It feels unsafe to pick a favorite at this point, as so many of the women seem to turn into meanies with an ease we haven’t seen for some time. Collectively, they’re clearly much more interesting and amped up than Arie is, but let’s hope that proves to be a good thing, and not just a drama-filled, thorny mess. Especially you, Laurens.

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