‘The Bachelor’ Recap, Season 22 Premiere: Unearthing The Fossil That Is Arie Luyendyk Jr.

My fellow archaeologists, I stand before you today because of the monumental find we’ve uncovered. We’ve dug up The Bachelor, perfectly preserved, untouched since his first time on the program, a millennium ago. (Five years in Bachelor Nation time.) His Latin name is Kissus banditimus — but we’ve been able to determine that he goes by Arie Luyendyk Jr. to his friends. In this case, his friends appear to be twenty-nine females of varying size, age, and gown, who’ve arrayed themselves in what seems to be a mating pattern around the male specimen.

From his dress — a tuxedo — we can tell that he is The Marrying Kind, no matter what other clues we’ve dug up with him that gives us indications to the contrary. And through the use of incredibly sensitive scientific instruments, we can relive some of the Kissus banditimus’ last days on Earth as a single man. The women he met, the franchise viewers he lost, and above all, whom he selected as his bride.

Tonight, we’ll investigate the male’s first meeting with the pulsing throng of females. They arrive by long car, to indicate value, and step out one at a time to exchange short, quivering quips with our Bachelor, who is waiting in the driveway. Their behavior both as individuals and as a herd is most fascinating, and here were some of our early impressions.

• Tia is an attempt to replicate the franchise’s previous success with Raven, right down to the fact that the two actually know each other.
• We’re cramming all our weirdness into one girl, and Kendall, a big-eyed blonde with a penchant for taxidermy and the ukulele.

• A conclusion should probably be taken from Bekah M. being listed without an age, the only member of the female herd to carry such a marking. In the end-of-episode preview of the rest of the season, it becomes clear that her age will come up again, a fact that has been noted in her file.
• The personal trainer Krystal has a unique and unnerving ability to show every one of her teeth in a smile, while also crying about her brother who is homeless but not yet ready to accept help. More study is needed to determine the nature of these facial contortions.
• It’s 2018 and backs are the new breasts. We are hopping out of the limos in backless dresses like they’re going out of style.
• Chelsea is showing signs of being the first single mother ever to get a villain edit. She steals him first during the cocktail hour, steals him second from the sob story personal trainer, reveals exactly zero about her personality, and gets the First Impression Rose. Wow, us women really can have it all.
• There are twenty-nine contestants and four Laurens, leading our archaeological team to determine that fourteen out of every 100 children is named Lauren. Henceforth they shall be referred to as the “Fourens,” for clarity.

• We already have some front-runners. Caroline, for making this off-the-market joke, since they’re both realtors; Tia, for the little weiner bit above; Becca K. for being cool as hell out the limo and getting him to faux-propose; and Fouren S. for her hot dress and “great energy.”
• Arie is a cool dad for letting all these girls drink in the house.
• Jacqueline is potentially an Anna Kendrick character, here to perform a rom-com.
• Two smooches have already been handed out: to Brittany T., and the Dreadnought, Chelsea.

LOLOLOLOLOLOL.

At the Rose Ceremony, Chelsea is safe, of course, and roses are handed out to the following women:

Becca K., Marikh, Kendall, Lauren G., Krystal, Bekah M., Lauren S., Seinne, Caroline, Brittany T., Bibiana, Annaliese, Jenna, Valerie, Jacqueline, Jenny, Lauren B., Ashley, Tia, and Maquel.

Which means that we’re saying goodbye to: Jessica whose late father signed off on Arie; Bri, who has very long hair and threw a softball at your boy’s crotch straight out of the limo; Ali, who was presumably a contestant on the show; Brittane J., who is way too good for this shit; Fouren J., who at three years younger than our Bachelor was far too old; Nysha and Olivia — we hardly knew ye; and Amber, the Becca Kinney lookalike.

Please see her above, crying in full daylight, and glory in what terrors lie ahead for these ladies. There’s a whole world down there below the surface, just waiting to be discovered: ages to be revealed, villain edits to receive, and barrel curls to perfect. And we don’t want to mar a single inch of it, so please use your gentlest dirt brushes (that’s the appropriate scientific name) and tune back in this time next week to see what else we’ve revealed.

Alexis Rhiannon (@mindtheclam) is a freelance writer and comedian who grew up in Portland, Oregon, and is now located in New York City. Her interests include reality television, bar trivia, pop culture conspiracies, and someday cleaning her apartment. She can be seen monthly at the improvised show Live Dubbed Sitcoms at Videology in Williamsburg.

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