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Creaking Carriages and Horny Honeymooners: 'Bridgerton' Season 3’s Hottest Sex Scenes
We spend a lot of time talking about the steamiest scenes hidden in our favorite shows and movies, both as general consumers of pop culture and here at Decider. However, there’s a whole other faction of sex scenes that are equally buzz-worthy that don’t get the attention they deserve. Welcome to some of the worst sex scenes that have ever scarred the face of what we call “entertainment.”
There’s something oddly beautiful to a truly bad sex scene. Some scenes embrace their terrible nature with ruthless abandon, happily inserting enough CGI animals and near assault plot lines to make everyone uncomfortable. But the best selections of this sub-genre are almost always the scenes that started out with genuine intentions but fell miserably flat. These actors, writers, and directors wanted audiences to feel intimacy or deep-seated passion in these moments, and instead they were met by groans and laughter. There’s something oddly poetic about missing the mark that much, and therein lies the beauty. Below are some of the most embarrassingly awful and mentally scarring sex scenes in film history. Watch and enjoy.
'Watchmen'
Long before Henry Cavill’s odd non-mustache in Justice League, we learned that maybe we shouldn’t trust Zach Synder with superhero movies. Watchmen was criticized for a variety of reasons — its lack of subtlety when compared to its source material, its delight in ultra-violence, and its love of blue CGI penises all come to mind. However, the most cringe-worthy moment of this cringe-worthy film happened between Malin Akerman’s Jupiter and Patrick Wilson’s Nite Owl. We’ll never be able to listen to “Hallelujah” comfortably again.
'Observe and Report'
Jody Hill’s mall cop comedy earns a special place on this list because it’s the only bad scene that’s supposed to be bad. However, the specific way this scene is shocking makes it one of the worst selections on this list. When the movie’s overworked and too-serious mall cop (Rogen) finally hooks up with his love interest (Anna Faris), what should be a sexual dream starts off as a nightmare. For a minute, it looks like Rogen’s character is having sex with an unconscious Faris, which is very much sexual assault. It’s only when the drugged out Faris finally calls out that it becomes clear that this is in fact a consensual hook up, which is … better than the alternative but still. Walking a pretty thin line with this gag.
'The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 1'
It’s difficult to choose a worst sex scene from Twilight because they’re all pretty terrible. However, the honeymoon bed break deserves some special attention. Because nothing is sexier than monogamy, Edward (Robert Pattinson) makes Bella (Kristen Stewart) wait until their wedding night until they get freaky. When they finally decide to do the deed, Edward ends up breaking the bed in what’s supposed to be a fit of passion but watches more like a silly moment from fan fic.
'Fifty Shades of Grey'
Speaking of fan fic, wow. It’s continually impressive that a series that’s known exclusively for its steamy scenes has the most vanilla sex ever. It’s hard to pick a worst sex scene or sexy scene in the Fifty Shades franchise — the contract negation, that elevator scene, Anna’s (Dakota Johnson) introduction to the play room, and that other elevator scene all deserve special attention. Really, it’s dealer’s choice on this one.
'Avatar'
There were a lot of beautiful and masterful things about James Cameron‘s Avatar. Jack (Sam Worthington) and Neytiri’s (Zoe Saldana) sex scene wasn’t one of them. Watching the in-love couple interlocking their braids didn’t feel intimate or sweet. It felt creepy.
'Splice'
This one should win an award for being one of the creepiest bad sex scenes of all time. Adrian Brody stars in this sci-fi drama as a brilliant scientist who has secretly been creating a sub-human creature with his lab partner. The thing they create — Dren — essentially becomes his daughter. Brody’s character literally gives her life and raises her from babyhood. That’s why it’s so messed up when, just a few months later, he decides that banging his creepy science daughter is a good idea.
'Jack Frost'
In this Christmas horror movie, a seemingly innocent bath quickly turns into semi-rape scene thanks to the worst snowman ever built. After melting down to fill his victim’s tub, Jack Frost quickly refreezes, trapping her inside of him. He then proceeds to beat her against the wall until she dies. It’s tempting to write this scene off as just an elaborate kill and dismiss the rape claims, but that re-frozen pelvic placement is pretty damning. And disturbing.
'The Return of the Swamp Thing'
Where do we even begin with this cult monster movie? If The Shape of Water proves that you can make a creature and lady hook-up seem genuinely moving and sweet, The Return of the Swamp Thing shows all the ways you can mess it up. After telling his love interest they can never be together the way she wants, he offers her a rolled up cylinder of swamp leaves that kind of looks like it could be swamp creature junk. After she accepts it, she’s transported to an elaborate fantasy sequence where the love of her life isn’t a swamp monster but a hot dude ready to go. The whole thing is … something.
'Howard the Duck'
It’s weird enough that Howard the Duck, a comic book series about a more-intelligent-than-average duck, had its own movie before the superhero craze of today. What’s even weirder is the fact that movie featured a life-action version of the duck and a full-on sex scene. Lea Thompson was the second half of this unfortunate pairing in a role that is likely still scarring to her today.
'The Room'
A tip of the hat goes to Seth Rogen’s character in The Disaster Artist for nailing what’s wrong with this one: “He knows where her vagina is, right?” From elongated shots of Tommy Wiseau’s naked body to Mark’s (Greg Sestero) blowjob face, The Room and sex have a very interesting relationship, but nothing is as the oh-too-long bellybutton sex scene.
