Can Trader Joe’s Jingle Jangle Get You High, Man? A Scientific Analysis Of The ‘Riverdale’ Phenomenon

It may have been a minute or two since I stalked the halls of any high school, Riverdale, Southside, Harbor School or otherwise, but I know what the kids crave nowadays: that sweet, sweet Jingle Jangle.

On The CW’s Riverdale, the latest hot drug, whether you’re looking to stay up all night fondling a baseball bat and staring around wild-eyed for intruders (Archie) or party hardy (literally everyone else on this show), is the goofily named Jingle Jangle. Pixie Stick-like in appearance and apparently totally gnarly in effect, the drug is supplied to the youths through some nebulous chain that includes Penelope Blossom (obviously), Southside High youth gang the Ghoulies (not to be confused with early-aughts indie folk duo The Weepies) and that one kind of shady English teacher who revived Southside High’s newspaper for Jughead and Jughead alone.

The great news is the only supplier we thrill seekers need in the real world goes by the name of Trader Joe.

For the holiday season, TJ’s introduced Jingle Jangle, a chocolate-covered melange, sold only by the massive tinful. Imagine: 22.7 glorious ounces of caramel popcorn, mini peanut butter cups, pretzels, chocolate candies and crushed up Jo-Jos cookies. And it’s all covered in chocolate. As a person who canceled a date early on with her future husband because she ate too damn many of those mini peanut butter cups, trust me when I say that much like Riverdale’s fictitious Jingle Jangle, this nonsense is addictive. Science can’t say whether either formulation is more effective and enjoyable if ingested while reclining, but I can tell you that bodily position greatly enhanced the TJ’s Jingle Jangle experience for me. There’s just something about blindly thrusting your hand into a tin and closing your sweaty fingers around a tiny morsel of peanut butter and chocolate, you know? (Hint: Those are on the smaller side of the mix’s components, and tend to congregate toward the bottom of the tin, so don’t be shy about digging deep.)

While science was lacking on how to get the greatest body high, New York City-based RD and author of The Diet Detox Brooke Alpert told me that the two unique Jingle Jangle formulations would certainly have some similarities in the effect on your body. In short: you can get toooooootally high, man.

“‘Jingle Jangle’ packs a bit of a sugary punch with 17g of sugar per 1/3 cup of snack mix,” she said. “If you consumed an entire container of ‘Jingle Jangle,’ you would be eating 3,230 calories, 323g of sugar, and 399g of carbs — absolutely enough to give a real sugar buzz! Initially you might experience increased energy, alertness, and even giddiness. But, unfortunately, the effects of a sugar high don’t last very long; between 15-40 minutes before you ‘crash’ and start craving more sugar all over again.”

Hold the phone, “increased energy and alertness”? Sounds an awful lot like what our boy Archie Andrews and his baseball bat (whatever happened to “music or football” anyway?) were going for when he went through his vigilante phase early in season two.

And Alpert’s warning ring’s true, in my personal experience. The recommended serving size is ⅓ cup, but give me an actual break. There’s no way you’re walking away from that tin without shoving one or two cups, at a minimum, into your mouth. Trust me, it just happens.

When the JJ hit the TJ late last year, Trader Joe’s reps insisted to Vulture that there was no connection between the show’s drug and their oh-so-nommable tin of sin, and that the food predates the drug by years.

“It’s just a fun name that plays off of sleigh bells referenced in Christmas carols, since it is a holiday item,” the rep told Vulture. “It’s also a fun way to describe the sound customers might hear when they give the tin can a shake.”

OK, sure, but they would say that, wouldn’t they? I’d also like to remind readers that Riverdale has never actually said concretely what year it’s taking place in, which leads me to believe that there’s some kind of time loop or at the very least a light time travel element at play here (don’t @ me, or actually, please do, it’s very lonely thinking about this so much), which maybe could mean that Riverdale is actually a real place where maple sap is in season in the early fall, the Southside Serpents have a clear hierarchy and Jingle Jangle crossed over from TV to everyone’s favorite grocery store.

Anyway, Alpert says that the sugar that Jingle Jangle boasts so much of is actually addictive and can cause withdrawals, something the dangerous youths of Riverdale and beyond should also watch out for.

“Because of the pleasant feelings sugar gives us when we consume it, we can develop a real dependency — a real addiction to sugar. We have sugar, we feel good from it, we get the feeling of an upper, and then we crash and need to reach for more. And once you are hooked, depending on how intense your addiction is, you can experience withdrawal symptoms, such as brain fog, crankiness, and fatigue,” she said.

She suggests drinking water to flush out the cranks and snacking on healthier foods like celery to fight Big Sugar’s effects. You hear that, Reggie? Celery. I can personally confirm that after my first JJ binge, I took a big, involuntary nap, and yet I craved more, more, more once I came out of my haze. Let me be a cautionary tale to Archie and his pals: Just say no to Jingle Jangle.

Meanwhile, I’ll be over here, hoarding my limited supply and trying to figure out how to fit a combination lock on my tin of Jingle Jangle to tide me over to next holiday season. Don’t come for my tiny pbs, y’all.

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