‘SNL’ Asks The Question On Everyone’s Mind: What Even Matters Anymore?

While this week’s Saturday Night Live cold open took a few shots toward the women’s march and the government shutdown, it mainly concerned itself with the massive easy target of the week, the president’s physical.

After Sarah Huckabee Sanders (Aidy Bryant) congratulates women for marching to “celebrate the president’s first kickass year in office – we did it, girls!” and tells how non-existent sections of the president’s wall will operate on the honor system, she brings out Beck Bennett as the president’s doctor, Dr. Ronny Jackson, to present the results of his physical.

Among the highlights: The president’s weight is “a very svelte 239 pounds,” his height is “75 inches, with legs that seem to go on forever,” he has a “size 12 shoe, so you can fill in the blanks there,” and it is “my expert medical opinion that the president’s got a rockin’ bod, with the perfect amount of cushion for the pushin’ – and if given the chance, I would.” Final verdict – the president is healthy enough to be president for “at least another 10 to 20 years, easy.”

As for the rumor that the president may have slept with porn star Stormy Daniels, he can’t confirm or deny it, but he can say that “if it did happen, she’s a lucky woman.” The president also blew the doors off a “sex exam – he nailed every position perfectly.”

Host Jessica Chastain saluted the first anniversary of the women’s march, and yesterday’s marches, by bringing Kate McKinnon and Cecily Strong on for a song saluting women and proclaiming their independence. Aidy Bryant brought pussy hats for everyone, lamenting that she can’t say the “p” word – which Leslie Jones then says – and Beck Bennett tries to be the helpful ally but keeps interrupting the woman, causing him to be asked to step back. A strong statement of support with a few laughs, they wisely kept this short.

The show’s ongoing Bachelor take returns with Alex Moffat as the prize and twelve Laurens competing for his attention, giving the entire female cast the chance to put their creative spin on the phrase, “I like this.” Heidi Gardner’s Lauren is “a psychiatric nurse…’s patient,” Cecily Strong’s introduces herself with “Sorry I’m 30,” and Chastain fits in perfectly as the squeaky-voiced inventor of “eating Tide Pods.” The show then pulls a fast one, switching Moffat out for Luke Null, but to McKinnon’s Lauren, who has a pet dead squirrel, the difference is irrelevant. Seen one Bachelor, seen them all. Always fun to see this old reliable return.

Next comes an impressive turn for Chris Redd, playing Will Smith in a take on the theme song video for The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. This time, though, life doesn’t turn out as smoothly for the Philly teen, as the tough gang members from early in the song are arrested because of the fight they had with him, leading them to follow him to Bel-Air seeking revenge. What follows is a tale of violence and intrigue, with Chastain as a fake FBI agent and Kenan Thompson as Uncle Phil, who is beaten within an inch of his life before ending up the doomed hero. A fun, creative take, as Redd continues proving himself as a smart, versatile hire for the show.

Chastain then plays the cheesy host of a Google Talks chat, leading a discussion on bullying in front of a live audience. After polling the crowd about things they’ve been bullied for, the answers include religion, race, sexual orientation, and, in one case, looking like Bart Simpson. That came from Mikey Day, whose blond hair spikes up like the Simpsons haircut. Asked for nasty names they’ve been called, people volunteer “bitch,” “white trash,” and “Bart Simpson.” When Melissa Villasenor says she’s been told, “go back to your own country,” Day chimes in that he’s been told, “Go back to Springfield.” While the rest confront real bulling, Day is being messed with via fake Nelson-from-the-Simpsons laughs. The others have some bad news for him – it might just be you, dude. Especially since his name is Bert Sampson. Clearly, this anti-bullying session will not end well for him.

Next, Chastain plays the host of the game show “What Even Matters Anymore,” where she tells contestants something the president did, and they have to determine, “Does it even matter anymore?” Among the examples – the president calling Haiti a shithole and saying Haitians have AIDS, the president having an affair with a porn star just after his wife gave birth then paying her to shut up, the president firing Robert Mueller, and the president building his wall and hiring illegal immigrants to build it. As the sketch progresses, Chastain’s character grows increasingly frustrated, chugging a bottle of wine while contestants write out the answer to a question. Soon, she breaks character, and it turns out the sketch was an excuse for Chastain to built a fake game show to express her anguish at the state of our country. With a solid performance by Chastain, this had some funny moments but almost felt too real, more cast (and host) therapy than pursuer of laughs.

A few solid lines from “Weekend Update”: Colin Jost saying the president blamed Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer for this week’s government shutdown because “he never misses a chance to blame a minority,” and that, “this week, I was finally able to Google ‘Stormy Daniels’ on my work computer.” And from Michael Che, about Daniels’ revelation that Trump is afraid of sharks: “Of course he’s afraid of sharks. The man has the body of a seal.”

At the desk, Strong then plays Daniels, noting the irony of her, a Republican porn star who admires Sarah Palin, becoming something of a liberal hero (though that status is questionable). She mentions that unlike in Hollywood, the porn world hires woman directors. Then she says, “I get it that I’m not what these people imagined their hero would look like, but guess what America? I’m the hero you deserve right now.” Strong has developed a considerable talent for delivering stealth political commentaries at the Update desk from the last characters you’d expect them from, like the always down-and-out Cathy Anne, Claire, the HR rep who tried to deal with rampant sexual misconduct in the workplace, and now Daniels, who explains the reasons America “deserves” a hero like her, including how all the public and the media can discuss regarding the Steele dossier are Russian hookers when there are clearly more important revelations in it, the infighting in the women’s movement about inclusion in #MeToo, and the election of the current president itself. When Jost asks if she’s there to teach people a lesson, she replies, “I AM the lesson.”

Also at the desk, Princes William and Harry – played by Moffat and Day, respectively – there to comment on the president’s cancelling his trip to London. Day and Moffat have great chemistry together, and while their takes on Eric and Donald Trump made Day the older protector brother, he’s the needling younger bro here, ribbing WIlliam about his fading hairline, saying he looks like “British Larry David.”

Then, we get a third desk bit for the second week in a row, as McKinnon debuts a new character – special prosecutor Robert Mueller. Imbuing him with the trademark confidence of all McKinnon’s characters, Mueller walks the line between not being able to comment on the Russia investigation and conveying that he’s got the goods on the president and everyone around him. “The cat’s out of the bag, and the bag’s full of Michael Flynn’s wiretaps,” he says, followed by, “You gotta understand. The [president] didn’t leave me breadcrumbs. He left me full loaves.” In the end, he compares the investigation to the show Lost, and how everyone loved the show, but was dissatisfied with the ending. “This ain’t Lost,” he says.

The next sketch takes us to Amazon headquarters, where Amazon head Jeff Bezos (Kyle Mooney) is hosting delegations from some of the 20 cities in the running for the company’s new headquarters. Chastain and Bennett are there from Boston to make the case, and they brought a special guest – actor Casey Affleck (Moffat), who screws it up by mentioning he lives in LA, and why not put the headquarters there. The Atlanta delegation includes Thompson and Leslie Jones, and Bryant as Paula Deen. They present gifts from their city – a can of Coke, and a sandwich from Chic-Fil-A. Deen brought her delicious three-butter pudding, of which the American Heart Association said, “Don’t!” Redd appears as Cory Booker to quickly represent Newark before acknowledging failure, and Day, as Pitbull, joins Strong and Villasenor to pitch Miami. This was one of those sketches that seemed like it was building to a greater point or surprise, but no. What you saw was what you got. Game performances all around, but there just wasn’t much here. (Also – Casey Affleck? Really?)

Chastain and Gardner follow as two not-very-intelligent friends trying to navigate the confusing specials deal at a Mexican restaurant. Like the last sketch, this features strong performances wasted by a weak script that went nowhere.

Next, Pete Davidson brings back his dense character Chad, who reacts to every event in life with a blithe “OK.” He’s in the hospital, recovering from major surgery, and Chastain is his surgeon. She’s there to tell him he’s out of the woods, and also that she’s fallen in love with him, and has fantasized about making love to him. I’m sure I’d feel differently if this really happened, but watching Davidson’s Chad sketches makes me think I could watch an entire movie of his base, clueless reactions to everything around him. It’s a perfect character for Davidson, and for me, that fact that I’m still far from sick of it speaks volumes. This was a fun, silly character piece for him and Chastain.

For the night’s final sketch, Chastain and Jones are actresses in a movie about equal pay for women, and Thompson brings back his 70s-sitcom director, instructing his actresses to react as one might in a Bugs Bunny cartoon or a Three Stooges short. Chastain can’t really get laughs from the over-the-top reactions, and the sketch thuds out. Chastain then comes out for the goodbyes in a “Time’s Up” T-shirt, telling the crowd she just had one of the best weeks of her life.

SNL returns next week with host Will Ferrell and musical guest Chris Stapleton.

Larry Getlen is the author of the book Conversations with Carlin. His greatest wish is to see Stefon enjoy a cheeseburger at John Belushi’s diner. Follow him on Twitter at @larrygetlen.

Watch the Jessica Chastain/Troye Sivan episode of Saturday Night Live on Hulu