‘The Bachelor’ Recap, Season 22, Episode 5: The One Where Arie Takes Back His Word

Tonight, everyone, I regret to inform you that The Bachelor has jumped the shark, because we’re literally in Fort Lauderdale. I’m hearing a lot about the restaurants and the art scene from Arie, but this is a Spring Break destination, my friends, so let’s not kid ourselves. The way things are going, I would not be shocked if the group-date this week was a flashing party at Señor Frogs. Except we’d have to find a way for more people to get injured just to stay in keeping with this season’s theme, so let’s table that thought for the moment.

First we have to pretend to be at least a little bit classy, because Chelsea got the one-on-one. Finally. He’s been empty-promising her for weeks now that he wouldn’t waste her time since she’s a Mom™, and then taking out other women almost a decade younger than her. And now, at long last, today is the day he’ll learn her last name and whether she can still kiss good. The two of them set out on a yacht, which gives Chelsea the opportunity to say, “I’m on a dreamboat, but I’m also with a dreamboat,” which is very sweet, but also a lie. And you should never tell lies. The rest of Arie’s girlfriends watch from a telescope at their penthouse as the two of them Titanic on the front of the boat and make out on a jetski.

Once they’ve turned enough stomachs, the pair head off to dinner at the Car Museum where something terrible and unexpected happens. I am…falling for Chelsea? Not that these women aren’t incredible, with a shit-ton to offer, but it will certainly make this process harder. She’s sitting here telling Arie and the audience about how she was, “Drowning in a life that seemed perfect,” with the older, successful ex who wooed her with extravagant gifts and was interested in a different version of herself. Oh god oh god oh god oh god, did he take you on a yacht and tell you how “impressive” you were on the jet-ski earlier? Or is that just this new seemingly-impressive guy who’s gonna date you for seven years and then leave you when you’re six months post-partum? Eeeeeeeek.

But Arie doesn’t hear himself being discussed, and neither does Chelsea, so no one has any idea about the car crash — PUN ABSOLUTELY INTENDED — that we’re headed for. Arie’s penis gets all emotional and gives mommy the rose, and we dance to some unknown musical act that sounded like “Tenille Arts?” But who is clearly the love child of Tia and Hailee Steinfeld in a bold lip. God bless.

The group date this week is Krystal, Bekah, Becca, Jenna, Sienne, Kendall, Ashley, Marikh, Jacqueline, Fouren, and Maquel. Because oh yeah —

— Maquel is back. I had no idea her plan was to come back, and I’d be willing to bet that Arie didn’t either, so let’s see how this group date goes. It’s a bowling night, which just shows once and for all how little Arie knows about these women, because I’ve never seen a single one of them put something in her mouth that wasn’t wine. And now we’re having a beer date and there’s actually food here? That they’re going to eat? On-camera? Do you have any idea what show you’re on? These things are verboten.

The rules for today — and listen closely, because this will come up later — is that the women get split into two teams, who each compete for extra time with Arie. Only the winning team gets to accompany him to the after-party, so Krystal is out for blood. She wants Arie to step up and pursue her, but she also wants to win this date by any means necessary, including asking her alive (??) dogs to please bless them with a bowling victory.

The blue team turns out to be very good at bowling, and while we aren’t shown the score, they seem to win pretty handily. So they’re going to the after-party, and the pink team is going home — OR ARE THEY. All of a sudden Arie’s conscience catches up with him, and he decides he doesn’t want anyone to miss out on time with him during this crucial stage of the game. (Which is honestly valid, because literally who is Ashley and what is her job, she’s gotten zero screentime.) Most of the blue team plasters fake smiles on their face to mask how annoyed they are to have the rules changed, but not Krystal. She is pissed. So pissed that she doesn’t want to hold onto the bowling trophy anymore, which for Krystal is very pissed.

Her alive dogs have betrayed her, but more importantly, so has Arie, and he’s going to pay. We don’t have footage of it, which is a sin for which I will never forgive The Bachelor production team, but apparently she got real het up on the bus, calling him a liar and saying he “took back his word,” and a lot of other things that Kendall later described as “cruel” and “unkind.” In fact, the whole group seems pretty traumatized, and Krystal can’t get her mic off fast enough. Ultimately, everyone ends up all dressed up for the afterparty and she’s there in a robe, talking a big game about how she’s not coming and that she has her bags all packed. And if Arie asks why she’s not there, the other women can tell him it’s because he was disrespectful to her. (!!!!)

It’s a conversation I was excited to see, but I forgot that Arie is a slippery slimer who’s incapable of a satisfying conversation. He decides the right thing to do (!!) is to go up and check on her (!!!), so he’s gonna head upstairs in the middle of this party (!!!!) and be right back. So everyone who isn’t a diva in a robe, please sit here in your finery and I guess, dry hump on each other? Because daddy’s going upstairs to take care of his be-robed little Swimfan for a while.

Assuming Krystal likes to be gaslit, he takes great care of her, telling her really romantic, empathetic things like, “It’s just bowling,” and arguing with her version of events. The dude is so defensive that I came in here ready to be on his side, and somehow I’m on hers. “Are you teaching me a lesson?” he asks her, before scolding, “I think you should stay up here tonight. And now that I’m not happy about it.” Okay but literally why would she do that, when doing the opposite of what you asked just worked so well for her.

Ten seconds later, dis bish throwing on some mascara and pouring herself into a dress so tight that it’s giving me empathy pains for all the beer bloat everyone must be feeling. She comes down to the party and it. goes. great. Everyone is really happy to see her, and warmly welcomes Swimfan back into the fold, and makes sure she’s okay. (Opposite.) All the ladies are serving it up hot and ready, including Bekah, who points out that Krystal also changed her mind. She had said she wouldn’t come to the party, and yet here she is.

Within a few minutes, Krystal has thrown in the towel and headed back upstairs to hide in her room, and Fouren has been pulled out of the bush she was hiding in to cry just long enough to ask Arie how he likes his eggs and receive the group date rose.

The final one-on-one went to Tia, who’s been given a “country date for a country girl” — a tour of the Everglades by air boat. It’s beautiful — it goes on for “malls and malls” — but it’s hard to enjoy, because I keep getting worried that Arie is gonna put this chick down in some standing water and kiss her, ala her twinned embryo Raven last year.

But I needn’t have worried. The pair is much too focused on seeing an alligator, which reminded Arie that “Love can be kinda scary.” (Nice try looping that into your essay, young man, but I still don’t believe you did the reading.) They meet an animatronic man with a knife at his belt who guards a house in the middle of the wetlands and says country sayings if you pull the string in his back. Things like “Sorry for the mess, we had a hurricun,” and “Y’all ever been froggin’?” Tia has been froggin’, and she talks about stickin’ the lil critters with a gig, and Arie’s lil country dicky gits all extra hard as the two do some swangin’ and kissin’ on the porch up over the crick.

At dinner, Tia wears what I assume is a vintage nightgown meant to give her luck. She’s planning on telling Arie she’s falling in love with him tonight, but Arie is busy prattling on about how she’s very much herself, a person he…barely knows. And how can he? Because we barely know anything about her. I completely forgot, for example, that Tia was in school for seven years and is literally a doctor. She does physical therapy work, which she can — wink wink — do anywhere, and he picks up on that hint right away. He’s like, “Lol, there are lots of old people in Scottsdale, come thru girl.” They also talk about their differences in religion, which are — how you say — vast, and about the dudes she’s gone for in the past: guys who don’t deserve her.

DING DING DING IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN. But I’m too late. She’s spilled the beans. No one can hear me now, because Tia’s told Arie she’s falling for him.

He makes her say it into his eyes, barf barf barf, and gives her a big country smoochy and the rose. He says he feels much more himself with her than with the other women, so at the very least, the dude is finally learning how to hand out compliments that aren’t just, “You were so good today,” or “I love your wet mouth.” For the Cocktail Party, the herd of women descend on a country club, and everyone’s upset about Swimfan, who was apparently hiding in her room all day. Except, in her words, “I wasn’t hiding in my room, I was investing in myself.” Which is what I’m going to say literally every time I’m hiding in my room from now on.

She announces to the whole group that she’s feeling great, but just to ensure that no one talks about her in their one-on-one time, she offers each women the opportunity to have a one-on-one with her where she answers their questions. Sorry, did I say answers their questions? I mean repeats, “I felt hurt” into their open mouths while crinkling her brow so aggressively that her eyebrows ultimately rise up off her face and flap into the quickly-approaching sunrise.

With Arie, she takes a slightly different tack, claiming that yesterday was really hard for her because she was hurt she was hurt she was hurt BUT ALSO she was raised in a bowling alley and her dad lied a lot, so to be lied to by a bowling dad was very triggering. (Annaliese just got five bucks in commission for someone being traumatized on this season.) But don’t worry, she knows that arguments happen, and she tries to twist the whole situation that this is actually a good thing for them.

And even though Krystal all but has his penis out on the table and her fist hovering over it, Arie is still having trouble letting go. He keeps bringing up how she’s met his parents and seen his hometown, and — idk — but maybe this could be a helpful reminder about why you don’t introduce people to your fambam on your first date. But what do I know, I’m just older than every woman here.

Safe tonight are Chelsea, Fouren, and Tia, who all got roses on their date. And the remaining roses go to Bekah, Sienne, Kendall, Becca, Jacqueline, Jenna, and…Krystal. Duh. The woman makes good television, you can’t send her home for anything less than dropping down into the rafters on girls’ shoulders and chomping their jugulars. Which honestly? I wouldn’t put past her.

Leaving tonight are Marikh, Ashley, and Maquel, none of whom Arie even bothers to walk out, because he. is. terrible. at. this. “If the girls thought I was a threat before then…watch out, ladies,” says Krystal in the final moments of the show. Which I hear less as a threat at this point and more as a promise that this season will in fact turn out to be watchable.

Alexis Rhiannon (@mindtheclam) is a freelance writer and comedian who grew up in Portland, Oregon, and is now located in New York City. Her interests include reality television, bar trivia, pop culture conspiracies, and someday cleaning her apartment. She can be seen monthly at the improvised show Live Dubbed Sitcoms at Videology in Williamsburg.

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