Is Archie Andrews The Dumbest Character In The History Of Television?

In no way is this article a scathing indictment of lovable moron Archie Andrews or the “Whoops, I drank the whole bottle of NyQuil” treasure known as Riverdale. Archie is terrific, K.J. Apa is the cat’s pajamas, and if The CW ever dared cancel Riverdale, I would drive to California and pour countless barrels of maple syrup over every square inch of Tinseltown. But let’s face facts: Referring to Archie Andrews as dumb as a box of hammers would be an insult to the intelligence of hammers. Our boy is a Grade A dumb-dumb. An incredibly fit, immensely endearing dunce cap of a human who’s a few branches short of a profitable maple tree if you’re picking up what I’m putting down. True Riverdale fans understand, however, that Archie’s Sideshow Bob surrounded by rakes level of intelligence isn’t by accident, it’s by design.

In the original comics, Archie was a klutzy teen who loved girls, his pals, and sports. On Riverdale — a show where murder, stripping, and arson are as common as grabbin’ a chocolate malt at Pop’s Diner — Big Red’s optimism and earnest desire to help his friends while hooking up with every female from here to Greendale provides much needed balance to the show’s delicate ecosystem. Betty and Jughead are basically world-class journalists. Veronica toggles between burgeoning criminal mastermind and the next American Idol. The show needs Archie’s naive buffoonery to create organic conflict and maintain a sliver of narrative equilibrium.

Plus it is an absolute joy to watch Archie in action. You may be familiar with a few of his greatest hits:

An Aspiring musician, Archie’s unfamiliar with indie sensation Bob Dylan.

Archie Andrews, human, has never heard of rum.

Let’s not forget about Archie’s childlike illustration of his dad’s shooter, which would be absolutely adorable if drawn by a 5-year-old.

There is a 0% chance Archie knows what the term “Trojan horse” means.

Sure, TV has had its fair share of imbeciles — Andy Dwyer, Charlie Kelly, Joey Tribbiani, Eric Matthews — but they were cartoonish in their stupidity. Archie is realistically simpleminded. He acts like an actual teenager. He’s moody, impulsive, short-sided, and sex-obsessed. Watch his reaction upon discovering Veronica wants to chat about that pesky old murder mystery instead of making out.

The role of a modern Archie had the potential to be a walking, talking disaster, but K.J. Apa imbues the character with an inherent affability. His facial expression may be permanently fixed to a look I like to call “somebody just asked me to define trigonometry,” but he’s trying, you guys. Last May, I wrote about how Archie was blossoming into a lovable doofus and described him as a “big ol’ Golden Retriever who wanted nothing more than to drink milkshakes, run 10 miles so said milkshakes wouldn’t affect his dynamite abs, and help his buds solve a murder.” And you know what? Nothing has changed!

Well, except that Archie is secretly working for the FBI, got manipulated into joining the mob, and is seemingly almost always mere seconds away from murdering someone.

Don’t let the fact that Archie’s the type of person routinely flummoxed by fancy can openers overshadow his importance to both Riverdale the town and Riverdale the series. Fans and critics alike have called out Archie’s lack of intelligence like it’s a bad thing. Far from it, friends. If this smokey hamlet wants to continue to be the Town with Pep, then Archie Andrews — dear, sweet, well-meaning, Archie Andrews — is the accelerator.

Besides, I have a feeling that our boy is gonna be fine. Just fine. You know why?

Related: Shower Sex And Jingle Jangle: The Most Insane Moments of ‘Riverdale’ Season 2 (So Far!)

Where to stream Riverdale