I Watched ‘The Emoji Movie’ On Netflix So You Don’t Have To

I am not a snob. I have enjoyed many a bad movie both in theaters and the comfort of my own home. I do not feel the need to broadcast my negative feelings about most films. I believe people should be able to like the things they like without feeling shamed. The Emoji Movie, however, is not one of those things. The T.J. Miller-led movie (and I’m being generous with the word “movie”, here, folks), hit Netflix earlier this month, and if you’ve been wondering what all the fuss is about but don’t want to subject yourself to an hour and twenty-six minutes of hell, I have some good news. In what can only be called the ultimate act of sacrifice, I endured The Emoji Movie and documented the most painstaking moments for your enjoyment (?) so you never have to come close to hitting that play button.

If you are part of the 9% who are willing to die on The Emoji Movie hill, let me tell you something right now: do not @ me. Do not make me Public Enemy #1 in your Emoji Movie fan club. I am here to do the world a service. I’m no hero. I’m just an everyday citizen trying to save people from themselves (and a fictional world called Textopolis). Now that’s out of the way, let’s get to it.

[Insert Scream Emoji Here]

Here is what I experienced during the longest 86 minutes of my life.

This poor, sweet child has no idea that T.J. Miller is in his phone. It’s tragic.

“That’s my home. Textopolis.” In other words, “welcome to Hell.”

An actual photo of me watching The Emoji Movie.

(Also, this feels like a good time to tell you what the actual premise is. Basically, Gene is a Meh Emoji who gets into a jam because he’s actually expressive, instead of, y’know, being “meh” all the time. If he can’t stay “meh”, he can’t go do what all Emojis dream of: being utilized in text convos. That is literally the entire movie – Gene trying to be Meh.)

Meh Jr.’s parents seem as thrilled about this experience as I am.

I desperately need to know what kind of dirt they had on Sir Patrick Stewart that convinced him to voice a Poop Emoji. Who did he murder? Is he secretly a Scientologist? Did they simply make him an offer he couldn’t refuse? This casting defies all logic.

Looking into the cold, dead eyes of Maya Rudolph‘s Smiler has forced me to come to terms with my own mortality.

In what is perhaps the only semi-decent joke in this entire movie, the Devil Emoji tries to sell a timeshare to the Angel Emoji.

Because I am engaging in a thorough amount of schadenfreude during this experience, I find delight in this malfunction and eruption of total chaos.

Jump. Jump. Jump.

As punishment for his malfunction, Gene is literally going to be murdered by Maya Rudolph, which is actually a plot point I can get behind.

I can’t blame this grumpy bouncer. I wouldn’t want a high-five voiced by James Corden in my club either.

Well, Gene escaped death, and now he’s been condemned to an even worse fate: scratching James Corden’s back.

There is quite literally an extended commercial for Candy Crush in this movie.

I am not exaggerating when I tell you that this dance app sequence was some 20 minutes long. Okay, maybe I am exaggerating. But it felt 20 minutes long.

There is now a Dropbox commercial happening, and this also feels like a good time for me to admit that I would watch Maya Rudolph and some scary henchmen hunt down T.J. Miller any day. Just not like this. Please, God.

Quirky Rebellious Emoji Girl has every right to feel blue. She has spent this entire movie stuck with an overly expressive Meh Emoji named Gene and a hand with the voice of James Corden.

Smiler keeps threatening to delete everyone, which honestly feels fair. Can her bot also delete this movie from my brain forever?

In a moment that requires conflicting emotions from an Emoji, Gene finally finds his purpose. I am still looking for mine.

By the end of this 237 hour experience, I truly felt a sense of despair that I never believed possible. I do not know how this movie exists. I do not know why some legitimately great comedians and actors decided to appear in it. I do not know if I will ever see Emojis the same way again. I do know that The Emoji Movie hates us even more than it hates itself. I do know that The Emoji Movie is pure, nefarious, corporate evil. And I wonder if The Emoji Movie is a test, or perhaps punishment for our sins. We atone, Emoji Gods. Please, free us from this prison. No one deserves this. Except, maybe, T.J. Miller.