‘The Bachelor’ Recap, Season 22, Episode 8: Hometown Arie And The Skeptical Dads

I hope y’all are ready to learn today, because Tour Guide Arie has four stops planned in some of the most romantic cities in the world. That’s right folks, it’s Hometowns Week on The Bachelor, and since your boy has yet to learn a single meaningful thing about any of the remaining women, we better hope we learn something about where they come from instead. “One of these women is going to be my wife,” chirps Arie happily from the front seat as we begin our tour, and my my, aren’t we confident for a man who still needs to ask and be answered.

Buckle yourself in and please save any questions to Google at the end, because Arie will be of exactly no use here. As far as he knows, the state motto of these places is “I love that” and their best known export is beautiful, empty women. So let’s hop to it, shall we?

First stop — KENDALLTOWN, otherwise known as Los Angeles, California, home of the Tattered Rat and the All-Knowing Twin.

City Facts:

• Arie still thinks the word “quirky” is “corky.”
• Stuffing rat skins full of wood is called “mounting taxidermy.”
• Arie stuffing his tongue inside women’s mouths is still just called “kissing.”
• Arie could not hate this more.

• If things work out between these two, Arie concedes that Kendall will be allowed to have “her little room where she does her taxidermy” in their home, which is equal parts dismissive and romantic. (A phrase that I now realize should be etched into Arie’s tombstone.)
• Kendall has an identical twin named Kylie. KENDALL AND KYLIE.
• There are still dads in the world who use words like “courtship,” and oh boy is this one not on board with his daughter marrying Arie.
• Kylie is a witch. A good witch, for certainly, but one who can read the room like a pro and calls Arie out on the “space” between him and Kendall. She doesn’t feel like this is that undeniable love, and she’s reading the both of them like a book.
• Arie for sure thinks the phrase “I’m falling for Kendall” has magical powers that will disarm any and all family members.
• Arie is not a witch.
• Kendall isn’t ready to get engaged, and literally everyone in this house knows it, up to and including Arie and Kendall.
• Is this the moment when we get to acknowledge what a red flag it is that Arie has gotten down to four women, all of whom have trouble being vulnerable and sharing their feelings?
• (Yes. Consider it waved.)

Next up on our grand tour is — TIAVILLE, also known as Weiner, Arkansas. The state bird of this small town is home is the Dust Eater, and they’re the top producer of Human-Automobile relationships in the United States.

City Facts:

• Only about 700 people live in Weiner, Arkansas, and Arie is about to meet all of them.
• The dude has clearly been missing racing while he’s been forced to play pretend that he’s a realtor now. The expression on his face when Tia tells him that he gets to ride around in a car today is more elated than I’ve ever seen him during a reunion with one of the women. When he stuck his head in the window for a kiss it was hard to tell if he wanted it from Tia or his four-wheeled friend.

• “Eat my dust” is a real expression, and Arie is teaching it to Tia in a rather unsporting way.
• Tia has missed her family something fierce if these tears are any indication.
• If Tia’s dad is calling Arie “airy” on purpose to shade him, I will give him one thousand dollars.
• Tia’s whole dang family reads the news, and they have some questions for Arie about his reputation as a playboy.
• Arie calls his more promiscuous times his “good years,” which doesn’t bode well for his aforementioned reputation as a playboy.
• Arie is falling for Tia and loves her spirit — which is Arie-speak for, “I still don’t know anything about this woman.”
• This sneaky snake is taking information from the conversation with the brother to feed to the dad.
• Your boy uses the phrase “I love that” with the daddies too. He really is a true, lifeless vanilla.
• I could listen to these accents all day.
• Tia’s parents really trust her, which is nice to see, and also helpful for Arie, who could never have gotten her dad’s permission otherwise.
• Apparently we really are gonna have all of these wrap-up conversations right outside the window of the room they just left, with the family members still inside. Very suave.
• We lost Tia.

Wish we would stay longer to make sure everything turns out okay with that, but we’re off to BECCA CITY, which is what folks out here call Minneapolis, Minnesota. The state mascot is the Pastor Gary, and the chief export is Loveless Gals. (Minnesota is too cold and midwestern to support love, so the women have to be shipped elsewhere to have their hearts melted.)

City Facts:

• If you don’t jump into Arie’s arms, it isn’t love.
• I hate this show for making me so distrustful of Arie now that I’m worried he’s going to choose her just because she doesn’t have a skeptical dad around to deflate his boner.
• But that was before I met Uncle Gary.
• Uncle Gary is a pastor, and he’s skeptical enough about this process for the lot of us.
• If you don’t bring sunflowers and a wicker basket, it also isn’t love.
• Minnesota girls don’t fall in love. Did you know??
• Minnesota Girl Becca is in love, however, which is very confusing for the herd of adults sitting in her living room.

• It does not compute for anyone here that Becca is into this dude.
• Becca definitely didn’t trust Arie to remember that her father’s name was Steve before that toast. She slipped that reminder in there about as fast as a human could.
• Arie has apparently decided that Pastor Gary can sit his own ass down on the couch, cane be damned.
• “I hate that for her” is the opposite of “I love that.”
• Chalk this up to another mom who isn’t buying what Arie is selling, but who gives her blessing jsut because she trusts her daughter’s judgement.
• Everybody’s got really great parents this season.
• Arie says “I love that” to the mamas too.
• I am devastated that Bad Car Boy talked his way into this wonderful family.

And finally, in the last moments of our tour, we’ll pull into LAURENOPOLIS — better known as Virginia Beach, Virginia. Home of the Smooch Lighthouse and the most intimidating mascot in sports: the Poker-Faced Mom.

City Facts:

• It turns out there are women who can make a t-shirt, and a flannel tied over jeans work, and you’ve all been lying to me all this time.
• You can ride horses on the beach in Virginia
• You can touch butts in lighthouses in Virginia

• Fouren is way more in shape than ya boi, as we learned when we got to the top of the lighthouse stairs.
• Fouren also seems delighted that her family’s gonna be skeptical of Arie, which makes me like Fouren a lot more.
• This is the most nervous I’ve seen Arie so far. The dude is visibly sweating, even more than when he met that sexy car with Tia.
• Rising-star stand-up comedians should come do a set in this room to get a taste of what a truly cold audience is like.
• Arie likes Quiet Fouren way less when she’s surrounded by other Quiet Fourens. These are the quiet loins from whence she sprung, dude, I don’t know what to tell you.
• Fouren Family likes when boys do tricks, like tell your daughter in Dutch that she’s beautiful.
• Fouren Family is a military family.
• Fouren Family is a golf family.
• If you do neither, you might as well just drive your race car straight into a well.
• Arie still doesn’t know a damn thing about Fouren.

• Arie’s favoritest trick — even more than speaking a sentence of Dutch — is walking away from a table at which Fouren is sitting. This time he had to go get sponged off because he has the Indy Sweats.
• Aunt Fouren is ready to give her blessing right now. Dang, she has it in her purse ready, you don’t even need to ask.
• I had such high hopes for Papa Fouren, but he got a big boner for Arie’s Good Army Deeds, and now it’s all on Mama Fouren.
• Arie’s favorite part of Fouren is that when he looks at her, he feels comforted, which is Arie-speak for, “Your daughter is very beautiful, may I have her?”
• The magic incantation of “I’m falling in love with Lauren” isn’t working on Mama Fouren, and I am here. for. it.
• This woman should play poker.
• If you don’t talk to a lady on The Bachelor on the bed, she’s not your mom.
• Fouren Family is not a crying family.
• Fouren doesn’t think Arie would’ve been saying things about falling in love with the other girls if he was saying them to her. Oh Fouren.
• Mama Fouren deflated Arie’s boner all the way down, and I loved every minute of it.

I hope you enjoyed your journey today, and we have just one more stop before we can send you home to your beds and families. It’s a tiny little hamlet that’s little known outside of reality television. It’s called ROSE CEREMONY, and the population is just five people. (And tonight we’re getting down to four! Aren’t you lucky! This is like when you come to the zoo at dusk and get to see all the animals that’ve been asleep all day stalking around their cages.)

The gang’s all here, and everybody loves Arie except for Kendall! It should be an obvious choice, but Arie is still incredibly torn, somehow, even though he loved everything you did on these four dates except for shoving wood inside rat skins. We all saw your face with those tattered carcasses, so just say goodbye to their maker, as her immovable witch twin already knew you would do.

Also as a side note, doesn’t Becca have one thousand sparkly spangly dresses from Rachel Zoe lying around? Why hasn’t she worn a single one? Anyway, back to the Rose Ceremony, where Arie is certainly making a measured, intelligent decision and saying a tearful, poignant goodbye.

Or, you know, none of that. Maybe he’s just pulling Kendall aside for a last-minute debrief while the rest of the woman stand there in their gowns and sweat. This is a move that I’m gonna patent as The Luyendyk at this point, which means walking away from a sad-eyed woman or women. Bonus points if your only explanation upon your return is the word “sorry.”

Arie exercises the Luyendyk because he just needs a little more info from Kendall. Namely, if she’s ready to get engaged. “If you stay, someone else goes who’s very ready to get married,” he reminds her. And yes, she understands that, and she’s not ready to go, but she can’t give him an outright yes, which clearly gets his weiner very tall. These two are sitting and talking, but it’s more talking at each other than to each other. “I don’t know what you need from me,” Kendall says at one point, while Arie whimpers back, “I don’t want you to be hurt.” Please no one tell him what this show is about, he’s having such a great time not knowing.

Meanwhile, the rest of the women are very hurt, because they’re like “WHO IS HE DECIDING BETWEEN??” And I wish I could tell you, ladies, but I’m watching the show and I still have no idea. Arie is living the show and I think he still has no idea. A hypothesis which is strengthened by the fact that WE’RE GONNA HAVE A ROSE CEREMONY AFTER THAT?! Wow, damn! She said she’s not ready to get engaged, and you wanna get engaged, so just send her home now, right? Stop trying to prove her witch sister wrong. Just accept that she read you like an open book, and move on with your Car Life.

The roses go to Becca, Lauren, and…Kendall, which means Tia is going home, and my mouth is literally agape. It hung open for this entire next segment, which is just about how Tia feels too.

She’s mad at him because he’s giving her nothing, and I’m relieved to see that, because it means her healing process will be that much easier. Get yourself on the phone to Bibiana, and let her tell you everything she’s learned about how the Bachelor is supposed to be and why Arie was such a bad one. All this one can say is “I’m sorry” and “you didn’t do anything wrong,” but he doesn’t know enough about her to be able to say why it was working out for so long, and why it isn’t now. She’s trying to nudge him into giving her some validation, saying, “I don’t want to feel like I’m not enough.” But can we get this guy some cue cards offscreen or something? He is botching this. After a few moments of this torture, Tia’s had enough, and announces, “I’m ready to go.”

And all I can say is — me too, Tia. Me too. Godspeed out there, you deserve so much better.

Alexis Rhiannon (@mindtheclam) is a freelance writer and comedian who grew up in Portland, Oregon, and is now located in New York City. Her interests include reality television, bar trivia, pop culture conspiracies, and someday cleaning her apartment. She can be seen monthly at the improvised show Live Dubbed Sitcoms at Videology in Williamsburg.

Watch the "Hometowns" episode of The Bachelor Season 22 on Hulu