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Did you know there’s a trove of vintage Sex-Ed videos from the 1950s and 1960s available to stream on Amazon Prime? Two separate collections featuring over 200 minutes of wonderfully weird what goes where adolescent confusion. I wasn’t alive in the 1950s, but I have seen most of the film Pleasantville, so I understand that it was a far more conservative era filled with wholesome family values. That said, these videos are clinically bonkers, so I do not advocate that you learn about the birds and the bees by watching 1950s Sex-Ed videos.

If you have questions pertaining to sexual education, I suggest you Google the salient terms, print out the Wikipedia page, and run into the woods and read through the material. Like an adult.

The films feature typical sexual education while also inexplicably delving into the social aspects of being a teenager, like how to ask someone out and how to end a date. But for the most part, it’s over three hours of “pituitary glands” this “nocturnal emissions” that along with acting that can best be described as “a garbage bag full of bricks fell on top of the worst kid in theater class.” How anyone had sex after 1960 honestly boggles my mind but we’re all here, so somehow teens of the ’50s solved this sexual riddle. Good for them. And us. And America?

You can dive into the insanity by streaming these videos on Prime, but we highlighted a few of the best bits below.

If you have pre-marital sex your life is over.

To illustrate the danger of giving into your duplicitous hormones, one of the videos share the cautionary tale of Eileen and Fred. Eileen was on the yearbook staff and, best I can tell, on her way to becoming the most important artist of the 20th century. Her boyfriend, Fred, was going to be a lawyer. Yes, the future was quite bright for these two.

Then they had sex, which ruined their lives. The two had a baby, and Eileen was so distraught that she gave up on her burgeoning artistic career. She’s never gonna draw again. Guilty hands have got no talent.

I’m afraid things aren’t much better for Fred. He’s no longer allowed to be a lawyer because of all the sex. He now works at the steel mill and hates Mondays and mornings, like a non-feline, sex-obsessed Garfield. Prepare for some A+ ’50s sarcasm:

There’s no way to tell if these Sex-Ed vids were written by a man or a woman: Volume 1

Fun fact: Small talk apparently did not exist in the ’50s.

Just a casual chit-chat between buds!

1. I know you’re excited, but, like, ease into the conversation a little bit, pal! It’s called decorum. Go to your local library after the sock hop or Sadie Hawkins jamboree and look it up.

2. Nobody should say the word “sperm” until they’re 28-years-old.

Holy smokes. Did you know that 1950s Sex-Ed videos predicted the popularity of Netflix?

And Tinder!!!!?

Dating in 1958. Also, dating in 2018.

That’s right, young Kyle Chandler. Don’t buy a girl flowers just to show her you care, like a bozo. Listen to your idiot brother and only bring a lady flowers if it’s a special occasion or ritzy affair.

If your date is late, fck* them.

Wow. Harsh. This mom would absolutely lose her shit in the age of “I’m going to be ten minutes late!” texts.

“Motown-sextalk back again. Doin’ a little east coast fling.”

I’m 100% certain this video was the inspiration for Boyz II Men’s seminal boning jam “I’ll Make Love to You.”

There’s no way to tell if these Sex-Ed vids were written by a man or a woman: Volume 2

It’s probably not the best idea to ask your gym teacher for romantic advice.

Cool. Neat tip!

To be fair, not all of the advice is terrible.

This is the perfect distillation of my personal brand. Whenever my friends or randomly assigned intramural Wiffle ball teammates change the topic of conversation from “popular Smash Mouth singles” to politics or state capitals, I too like to hide my confusion in the general hubbub.