‘The Bachelor’ Recap, Season 22, Episode 9: Fantasy Suites And The Boy Who Cried “I Love You”

Should you wish to forgo your individual viewing experience this week, please use this key to read my Fantasy Suites recap without actually watching. — CH

Hello again. Fancy seeing you here, for the second day of The Bachelor in a row. We’re down to three women, we’re in Peru. Something terrible is coming, and it must surely be related to the fact that our Bachelor tells two women — that’s right two women, not one, not none, but two — that he’s in love with them, this week. Even though he’s supposed to tell no women, or worst case scenario, one, he told two, and it’s fine, I’m not anxious, you‘re anxious. I can watch people get blindsided on national television by a Bad Car Boy all day long and it doesn’t affect me at all, now just please excuse me for a moment while I empty my colostomy bag and cry into this well.

But on to the dates. First up is Kendall, who will be spending her super day fun time with Arie dune-buggying. Even though it won’t be nearly as fun as it could be, since there’s no one around to crash into their dune buggy with another dune buggy. “I love adrenaline things,” Kendall tells the camera, and Arie goes for a swing and a miss with, “Dune buggying is like a relationship.” He says it’s because it has its ups and downs or blah blah blah, but I think this would’ve been a much more apt metaphor if he said, “Dune buggying is like a relationship — as in I’m way too old to be driving like this.”

Arie doesn’t think he’d ever get bored married to Kendall, probably because he assumes it would be all sandboarding down dunes and ignoring questions from her concerned family, but actually because she’d never let that happen.

It’s crazy to watch Kendall, because she’s trying so desperately to want to marry Arie, but her body just won’t let it happen. She feels frustrated, like she should be more sure, and I truly can’t wait for her to watch all this back later and breathe a sigh of relief. She’s dodging a bullet so hard by not being ready. She says she’s falling in love with him, but she can’t get any further than that. But don’t worry, Arie will meet her where she is. “I’m falling for you too,” he says back. Which he really doesn’t have to say. And really shouldn’t say, given the situation.

He offers her the date card, with Chris Harrison offering to give away the first of his three beautiful daughters like the proud daddy he is, and they accept the key to the Fantasy Suite. They do whatever it is Arie wants to do with no cameras on him all night (read: definitely fuck, have you met this dude?), and in the morning, he proves himself to be a walking trope: all he knows about Kendall is how she likes her eggs in the morning. Asked to talk about the woman, he goes for the generic adjective three-fer, saying, “She’s such like an interesting, beautiful, and wonderful person.” Given the opportunity to list the way she likes her eggs, he’s like SUNNYSIDE UP VERY CRISPY DO YOU LIKE ME DID I DO A GOOD JOB. He probably has more breakfast orders memorized than last names, and I gotta tell you, Fantasy Suite aside, it is not looking good for your girl Sunnyside Up this week.

But let’s head over to Poached and see how she’s doing. Because Lauren is definitely a poached egg, I can just feel it, even though she never says during the episode. For their happy daytime fun date, she and Arie are taking a plane to see the Nazca Lines. It’s the most excited I’ve seen Arie since he got to meet that car, and he keeps pointing out the window for his blond mommy, shouting, “LOOK AT DA MONKEY! AND DA DOGGY WOW!” But Fouren is Fouren, and he can only keep up one end of the conversation for so long before he notices that the rest of the airplane is still and quiet.

Fouren has returned to her ancestral home, Inside Her Head, and Arie is finally getting tired of having to reassure her. “I see this incredible woman,” he laments, “but I only get to see glimpses of her.” Which I’m translating to, “Fouren is always very beautiful and often wants to kiss me, but sometimes needs things from me, which makes my wee-wee go down.”

Fouren explains that the stronger she feels about Arie, the stronger her fears are, which is highly representative of my experience during this process, as well, except that it’s for the women and not the bad man. She even tells him that she’s considered leaving, which, yup, same here, dude. “I need to feel like I’m the only girl that you see,” she tells him, a request that he fulfills by TELLING HER THAT HE LOVES HER, JESUS CHRIST.

HAS NO ONE WATCHED THIS SHOW. HAVE WE LEARNED NOTHING FROM BEN HIGGINS. We must not say “I love you” before the finale. Or even before the proposal, really! If you still have multiple decisions to make, you can’t be dropping those L-bombs. It’s just not fair. Because Fouren gets herself there too, and it’s obviously really difficult for her. “I just want you to know that I love you, too,” she ekes out, before quickly following it up with, “Let’s go.”

She says yes to the Fantasy Suite, duh, and then we proceed to the most insane edit of my life, with “How Do I Live Without You” played in the background. And more “I love yous” in the morning, because Arie and this show in general are trying to effing kill me. If he says it to Becca also, I’m gonna scream.

Speaking of Scrambled Eggs, how is old Becca. Oh good, she’s telling the camera that she hasn’t said “I love you” yet, and she’s hoping today is the day. HOW PERFECT, I WON’T THROW UP THIS EPISODE AT ALL. He says this is the “safest and most comfortable of the relationships,” which is setting off major alarm for me on a show that is the opposite of safe and comfortable. With a man who just seemed very safe and comfortable with another woman. But sure. They’re on a catamaran checking out birdies and chunky seals, and sharing that neither one of them has any doubts or hesitations. PERFECT. WONDERFUL. NOT EVEN THAT YOU’RE IN LOVE WITH ANOTHER WOMAN? Asking for a friend.

Arie’s literally asking her how she is with distance, and they’re talking about when Becca might be comfortable moving out to Scottsdale. This man is a monster, I am terrified.

Later on, at a tent in the middle of nowhere in the desert that I am very jealous of, Arie admits to Becca that his biggest insecurity is “choosing the wrong person at the end of all this,” which sets echoes off in my brain of Caroline’s voice tolling, “I KNOW WHAT YOU DID,” and she says she came in skeptical, but that he set her at ease right away. In fact, the word of the day is “comfortable,” because it’s all they keep saying to each other. She tells him she loves him, and that she’s not even scared of it, because it feels so right. And this is fine, I could look away from this car crash any time.

And in fact, I really wish I did, because it would’ve meant I didn’t have to see Arie telling his second woman in as many days that he is fully and openly in love with her.

Great. Perfect. So he’s literally telling two women he’s in love with them. Sorry, Kendall. But also not sorry, because you don’t have to deal with this. Becca, on the other hands, does, because she didn’t think he would say it back, and now she’s on a tingly little roller coaster of elation. She asks him to say it again, and wants to hear it over and over, which works just fine for the thirsty little car freak, because all he wants to do is say it and hear it. This is horrifying to watch. He says he just wants to end this now and propose right here in the sand dunes. Literally, WHAT?!? WHAT OF LAUREN HAVE YOU FORGOT HER.

They go to the Fantasy Suites, because of course they do, but if you thought some off-camera hanky-panky would tame his thirst for the L-bomb, think again. In the morning, he literally says his character game out loud, which is, “I loved seeing your reaction when I told you I loved you,” and Becca comes back with the heart-breaking response, “I’m the happiest person right now.” Yeah, and I’m sure Fouren is feeling the exact same thing; validated about their relationship and completely secure that Arie is going to choose her at the end. Because surely no one is so stupid as to recreate the same mistakes that Ben Higgins made and got dragged for. Haven’t you heard — that’s how you make Bachelorettes, not lasting relationships.

But as if there weren’t enough squirm-inducing scenes to make your stomach drop out your asshole yet, Becca’s ex boyfriend Ross is here. He, apparently, is the owner of the feet we’ve been seeing in all the promos, who says the proposal is his to give. He shows up at Arie’s door in a tan suit that prompts Arie to drop his only compelling drag of the season, which is, “Why is hotel management here?”

Hotel Management is here, because he found out a week ago that his ex-girlfriend of seven years is on a show that comes with a proposal at the end, and he’s gonna wanna go ahead and administer that himself. He flew overnight to Peru and drove five hours to get here, and he just knows that Becca is going to be VERY excited to see him. (Narrator: she is not.) The two of them broke up a year ago, but Hotel Management says Becca has been on his mind every day for the past year, which is a lot of days in a row to feel something and do nothing about it, no? Arie thinks so too, and asks if maybe this is about the competition aspect. And while Hotel Management says no, that does tell us something about Arie; if that occurs to him as a motivating factor for someone else, it might mean it’s actually a motivating factor for himself. Stay tuned to find out if this dude coming and professing his love for Becca raises her perceived value in Arie’s eyes. You’re waving red flags all day, and I have all eyes on you, dude.

Arie says he’s furious about Hotel Management showing up, which apparently for him means muttering “fuckin nerd” under his breath as the dude walks away from him, very much out of earshot. If this is furious, my dude should consider a career in serial killing, if he hasn’t already. Just saying.

Hotel Management shows up at Becca’s door as well, and she won’t let him in, which is an indicator of how excited about his proposal she is. They talk on the stairs, and she’s like, “I knew you were gonna do this.” Which, let’s be aware, is something you’d say to someone in your life who didn’t respect your boundaries, which is how we describe what? Stalkers! So just make sure you’re watching this through the appropriate lens, of SHE DIDN’T ASK FOR THIS.

They apparently left things on the terms that Ross wanted Becca to go live her life, but now that she’s doing that, he’s changed his mind. He has this whole speech ready, and she accuses him of living his life like it’s a movie. He hasn’t even fully launched into his monologue yet, and she’s already turned him down repeatedly. How many ways can this woman say no? She accuses him of inserting himself into her life, says they don’t know who each other are anymore, and that even in the end of their relationship, things were incredibly unhealthy.

We are all having a great time, especially Becca, who’s worried Arie’s gonna question her. And she’s right! He tells the camera, “It blows my mind that Ross would go through this amount of effort for a relationship that ended a year ago,” basically implying that there’s something left there. Becca says she’s shocked and mad and doesn’t want to be questioned on something she didn’t ask for, but Arie is scared that there’s still love between them, because he’s an insecure little monster. That’s why he’s saying “I love you” one million times, because he needs to hear it to fill the hole inside.

UGH.

He’s dropped L-bombs with everyone but Kendall, but he’s still telling Chris Harrison, “There’s three women I feel really strongly about. I don’t know what I’m gonna do.” LOLOLOLOL okay. Arie says he hopes he makes the right decision, not only for himself, but for his partner. (I KNOW WHAT YOU DID, I KNOW WHAT YOU DID, I KNOW WHAT YOU DID), and that he feels so good about how in love he is, and how this is gonna end up with a proposal. Which Becca and Fouren presumably both assumed was being said directly to them.

At the Rose Ceremony, he pulls his new favorite move, which is to ask Kendall to come talk to him.

But it’s not as bad as I thought it was maybe going to be. He tells Kendall, “I don’t think we can get there,” which actually does make sense as a conversation for this moment, since she was his first date this week. I don’t want to give him credit, but I guess I have to in this moment. In true Arie fashion, he felt great about her while she was right in front of his face, but as soon as he was with his ILY Twins, she went straight out of his brain, and that’s how he knows that they won’t make it. He just didn’t want to do this in front of the other two. (He’d rather they stand in their heels in the courtyard and wait for his broke ass, wondering if he’s going to choose Kendall over one of them again.)

She’s very chill and great about the whole thing, so Kendall is really the one who deserves the credit. But he has her all bundled away into the Cry Car without putting everyone through a Rose Ceremony, so only two ponies have to prance over the cobblestones to retrieve their flowering plants.

So it’s down to Fouren and Becca, and a three-hour season finale next week. Hopefully that’s long enough for one of them to ask him if he’s said those three little words to the other woman as well, but ONLY TIME WILL TELL. I’m gonna be sick, see you then.

Alexis Rhiannon (@mindtheclam) is a freelance writer and comedian who grew up in Portland, Oregon, and is now located in New York City. Her interests include reality television, bar trivia, pop culture conspiracies, and someday cleaning her apartment. She can be seen monthly at the improvised show Live Dubbed Sitcoms at Videology in Williamsburg.

Watch The Bachelor: Season 22, Week 9 on Hulu