Dear ‘Lost in Space,’ Please Stop Putting Cute Kids In Space!

Netflix dropped its very first full-length trailer for its upcoming reboot of the sci-fi classic series, Lost in Space yesterday. The original Lost in Space was a campy caper that followed the Robinsons, a futuristic family meandering around the stars. It also featured bubble creatures and space pirates and corny sets. The show’s star was arguably Will Robinson, a pint-sized genius with a robot friend who said, rather famously, “Danger, Will Robinson!” when trouble was close. It was cute and silly and a product of its era.

By contrast, this new Lost in Space seems to be an auspicious and exciting affair. The early footage is full of glorious visuals. The cast is stacked with beloved actors like Parker Posey, Molly Parker, and Toby Stephens. There’s even an element of wonder to the footage. It looks grown up! Yet, once more, the heart and soul of the project seems to be little Will.

This new Will Robinson seems eager and earnest. He looks cloyingly cute and tremendously precocious. He is, based on the scant footage we have, the central figure and protagonist.

I already hate this new Will Robinson.

I want to hit pause to clarify two things:

1. I have nothing against the actor playing Will Robinson. He’s doing a job! I’m sure he’s lovely.
2. I don’t actually hate children. Some of my best friends were once children, and I would like to be a mother one day, in the future, on planet Earth.

Here is my issue: I want kids out of my super serious outer space stories.

Space is dangerous. Space is full of death and despair. Space is for grown ups.

Think of the allure of space-set science fiction. Unless we’re talking about stories set in a distant future where we can warp across the galaxy and solve world peace, space tends to be a vast death gauntlet. There’s a reason why our own astronauts are supposed to be physically perfect, impossibly genius, incredibly well-adjusted men and women. It’s because space, as beautiful as it is, sucks. Space is here to kill us and space will show us no mercy in the process.

The central conceit of Lost in Space plays off this. What could be scarier than being adrift in the giant murder miasma of outer space? How about being lost with the people you love? The only thing more terrifying than the idea of your own death is the death of someone you love. So Lost in Space‘s drama comes from how a family manages to survive when the pressure to do so is higher than it would be anywhere else.

I’m not necessarily opposed to children being in this story. They raise the stakes for the adult characters and offer additional fonts of dramatic tension. I’m merely irked that Will Robinson, a preternaturally adorable kid, still needs to be the primary character in all this. Part of the ensemble? Great. The driving narrative force? Blech.

Maybe the issue isn’t Will Robinson, though. Maybe it’s how Netflix is marketing this show. From the first few trailers, it’s unclear whether or not Lost in Space is supposed to be a slick, grown-up remake for a more sophisticated era or just the original bonkers series with a higher budget. If it’s the first, then it’s for adult science fiction fans like myself to watch. If it’s the latter, it’s something I should bank for when I have those future kids I swear I won’t hate.

Of course, this newfangled Will Robinson has a different hurdle to overcome than the original. When I think of the science fiction films I grew up on, the kids — more often than not — dragged the drama down. I’m thinking about the oddly inhuman murder children of Ender’s Game and even the woefully cheesy 1990s Lost in Space. But most particularly, I’m thinking of Star Wars: The Phantom Menace. Yes, Star Wars is technically a fantasy film and it’s not about the savagery of space, but watching this new adorable Will Robinson gave me flashbacks of young Anakin Skywalker. He, too, was a tow-headed child genius whose best friend was a robot. Is Will Robinson going to be another “Annie?” I shiver to think so, but I can’t help feeling gun shy.

Then again, don’t listen to me. If I had my way, there would be nothing but adults in space, all the time, making scientific breakthroughs and having messy love affairs. I’m screaming to keep kids out of outer space, but maybe Lost in Space just isn’t meant for me.

(I hope it is, though. I want a Parker Posey in space show.)