Scientology Network Is The Most Bonkers Thing That’s Ever Happened To TV

The Church of Scientology has not had a great few years in the public eye; HBO’s critically-acclaimed documentary Going Clear, Leah Remini‘s Scientology and the Aftermath, and podcasts like Oh No Ross and Carrie have all sought to expose the alleged abuses happening inside the Church, and their controversial retaliation tactics have not exactly been a testament to their innocence on that front. So what’s a church to do when the world is turning on them? Launch a television network, of course.

Last night, at 8 p.m. ET, Scientology Network kicked things off with a message from infamous church leader (officially titled Chairman of the Board of the Religious Technology Center) David Miscavige, which, if you have any knowledge of Scientology and its controversies whatsoever, is a HUGE deal. Miscavige is notoriously private, rarely making public appearances since the late 1990s. That all changed, though, when a sharply dressed, smiling Miscavige appeared to quell any fears or misconceptions you may have about the Church. “We’re not here to preach to you, to convince you or to convert you,” he said. “No, we simply want to show you, because after all the first principle of Scientology is that it’s only true if it is true to you. So, take a look and then decide for yourself.” 

The appearance of Miscavige, who is known for his temper, alleged physical and verbal attacks and abuses of staff, obsession with celebrity/friendship with Tom Cruise, and his still-missing wife, Shelly, raises a lot of questions. Is the state of the Church so poor that he needs to make an appearance himself to try to rebrand? Is he truly so much the megalomaniac he’s been painted as for years that he insisted on breaking his no-appearances habit to launch the network? With a brand new website touting the leader’s accomplishments and good qualities, it’s difficult not to speculate about what’s going on behind closed doors. And that’s just the start of it.

The launch of Scientology Network, while seemingly a surprise, was actually announced almost two years ago. In 2016, the Church of Scientology opened a $50 million movie and television studio in Hollywood, and Miscavige told the crowd gathered about their intentions, calling it their “uncorrupted communication line to the billions”:

“…As the saying goes, if you don’t write your own story, someone else will.  So, yes, we’re now going to be writing our story like no other religion in history…. The average young adult spends ten hours of every day on the internet, and someone searches for ‘the meaning of life’ every five seconds, while someone else searches for answers about ‘spirituality’ six times per second. [We] will harness the power of every social media outlet imaginable to provide those answers. So for the 95% of the world’s population that listens to the radio every day and the average viewer who spends some 40 hours glued to a TV every week, the obvious answer was: our own radio station, our own TV channel, and our own broadcasting facilities.”

True to his word, the TV channel is here, and on the surface, its programing is what you might expect: no, not a 24-hour stream of Battlefield Earth, but a series of long-winded, overly-positive infomercials. Everyone is beautiful. Everyone is smiling. Everyone is glowing. Everyone is so excited to tell you just how wonderful Scientology really is. It’s changed them. Scientology Network original series include titles like L. Ron Hubbard: In His Own Voice, Meet a Scientologist, Inside Scientology, I Am A Scientologist, Destination: Scientology, and Voices for Humanity, which highlights the apparent good work the Church is doing around the world.  There will presumably be news shows and lots of Tom Cruise movies down the line, but for now, the Church seems focused on painting as positive a picture as they can. Philanthropy? Check. A reasonable Church leader? Check. A diverse demographic despite allegations of racism in their leadership? Check. No mention of Xenu whatsoever? Check. Cool shots of the E-Meter working its magic? Check. Normal believers with cool pastimes and jobs? Check. People who have saved lives and the world’s ills thanks to the technology of L. Ron Hubbard? Check check check. The network is actively cultivating an image that contradicts any of the bad things that have been said about it, and while it’s certainly a smart move, there’s no way it can be sustained.

Underneath the glossy, smiling segments lurks something sinister. How is a tax-exempt religious organization able to shoulder what is something around $4 million in carriage fees to occupy a channel on DirecTV? How are they able to maintain a $50 million studio facility and produce so many original series (that boast pretty high production value)? Do they have that many generous members and beneficiaries? How many of the people appearing in these series and videos are Sea Org members being paid pennies a day to smile for the cameras? Rather than satisfying our “curiosity“, the network only poses more questions, and will likely leave Church skeptics feeling a little unsettled. The presence of Miscavige – who unfortunately can appear as little else other than cartoonishly evil – only makes things weirder. Conceptually, Scientology Network is such an ambitious, insane endeavor that it’s hard to swallow. If you didn’t already have your doubts about the Church of Scientology, this shiny new 24/7 propaganda feed will probably send you over the edge. It’s just that crazy.

You can livestream Scientology Network’s 24/7 feed on YouTube. The comments are, predictably, disabled.