Patricia Altschul’s ‘Southern Charm’ Relationship Advice Is The Real Deal

Last night’s Southern Charm #blessed us with a near endless amount of Patricia Altschul’s wisdom, and if you weren’t taking notes, we wrote down all the life lessons you’ll need to know.

First of all, it was lovely to see the Southern Charm matriarch in action, taking Thomas’s girlfriend Ashley on a shopping spree to Gwynn’s, the only clothing store in Charleston, and new location of Kathryn’s “internship.” Later in the episode, Kathryn pulls clothes for a hypothetical shopper, but could you even imagine if she had gone in earlier and the customer example had been Patricia/Ashley. It would be TOO MUCH.

Instead, it was Patricia suggesting #LEWKS for Ashley to try on. “I don’t usually do personal styling for people, but in this case I think it’s justified,” she said of her shopping trip.

While Ashley was quickly roping her new friend into taking her engagement shopping next, Patricia knew to shuffle Ashley into the dressing room to keep things moving along, which is when she dropped her first major piece of knowledge.

“Honey, never refer to yourself as a Barbie doll. No no no no,” Patricia instructed Ashley after her innocent enough comment about getting all dressed up in the different outfits. The same goes for any Pretty Woman references. “Don’t use that analogy, please,” Patricia was quick to tell her.

As they continued to figure out how to take Ashley “away from the California look” and popped champagne bottles (Patricia’s “favorite sound”), the women sat down for some real talk.

Ashley expressed her concern for where her relationship was heading and Patricia offered, “There’s a certain timeframe, if and when it goes on too long…if you have to give an ultimatum, so be it.” Ah, just the encouragement Ashley needs, surely.

But Patricia had no problem reminding us all why she’s the queen, stating, “I’ve had 3 husbands, I could’ve had 20, just bragging a little.” Just a quick reminder, this lady knows what she’s doing. Peep that gigantic ring if you need to.

“Have you thought about starting your career here?” she asked Ashley, which is both a very smart yet progressive question coming from Patricia. “A lot of women make the mistake of, they start playing house, they quit their job they’re just kind of there. I think that it’s burdensome to men,” she shared. “It makes women so much more attractive to have their own friends. They have a life, and having a life is really what tips the scale.”

And just in case you needed a bit of further proof, Patricia reminded us all, “I know how to close the deal. I dated my current fiancé about 4 months before he asked me to marry him. All I can say is I’ve had successes one after another. The proof is in the pudding.” And who would dare turn down a scoop of that pudding?

Patricia dropped her knowledge and Ashley dropped $10,060.70 of Thomas’s dollars on her new wardrobe before the ladies scooted out of the store.

Oh, but we were graced with another serving of Patricia’s Ponderings later in the episode when she throws quite the party for the boys. “I have always had all-male dinners because it’s fun to be the only woman and just have a bunch of men,” she said. Normally, it’d be hard to argue with that, except there were a couple of bad apples in attendance at this one. Don’t worry though, Patricia didn’t have a problem keeping it real around the dining table.

“I keep thinking every year that you all will get over your Peter Pan syndrome but somehow it keeps on in perpetuity,” she mused to a group of nearly entirely single men of various ages.

Patricia then brought up a recent article she read that in the Wall Street Journal called “Cheap Sex and The Decline of Marriage,” which did elicit a groan from her son, Whitney.

“Women have ruined their possibilities of getting married because they act like wives without any of the commitment from men,” she relayed to her dinner party guests.

“In the south in my era, if you were still single and you were 30-something years old, you were a spinster,” she continued. “Women do have a biological clock and when they get to be 32, start getting worried if they want a family,” she told the table of men who…only maybe understood the message she was trying to get across. She wants you to settle down, bros!

Instead, the conversation turned back to her shopping spree with Ashley, where she declared, “I did not ask the price of one thing because I knew you wouldn’t want me to, because that would be tacky.”

And this, ladies and gentlemen, has been Life Lessons with Patricia.

Where to watch Southern Charm