‘Southern Charm’ Recap: We Need To Talk About Craig

We need to talk about Craig. On last week’s Southern Charm, he came through with some truly Classic Craig moments with his new claw or mitten or whatever we are calling the healing contraption on his hand. But this week proved his life is as big of a mess as his butter-knifed tendon.

First, we learn the heartbreaking yet somewhat unsurprising news that Craig is an antivaxer? Poor Chelsea had to relay the message to Naomie that Craig’s answer for not yet meeting Cameran’s new daughter Palmer is that, “He wouldn’t be able to walk backwards or some shit?” Sigh. Cut to the clip of Craig animatedly relaying the dangers of getting a flu shot to Chelsea, saying, “What if I had to walk backwards the rest of my life from some crazy government shot?” Oh, Craiggers.

Naomie explains the article that Craig read about a cheerleader with a terrible reaction to the shot (that is also possibly a hoax!) which has chased him away from the needle for good, and gave him a reason to bring up this excuse every fall when it’s time to get the shot. That he said, “I’m supposed to risk how I walk to see a baby?” is part law skills and an even bigger part delusion mixing together and working overtime.

But not everyone was discussing Craig behind his back. He met up with his old law school pal Warren, and after getting some much-needed help with removing his jacket, the real talk flowed freely. You see, Warren has a one-year-old daughter and a thriving law practice. And while I will never judge Craig for following his dreams of being a “pillow seamstress,” it’s the fact that he’s not actually following or seaming anything that is so freaking frustrating. Again, law skills and delusion show up for Craig to declare/brag, “I’ve been to Warren’s house. He has hundreds of pillows, but he didn’t buy them, his wife did,” which therefore makes his friend unqualified to be Craig’s “target audience” or to distribute any justifiable advice.

As we move through the episode, we watch Craig attempt to make a flower arrangement (one-handed!) until he is interrupted by a phone call from Patricia, who is more than ready to see what he’s come up with. Craig, not knowing any other way to be, is not only hours, but really, weeks late to checking in with her, and presents the half-baked ideas he’s been stewing on for her pet pillow project. Except that Patricia has never in her life, nor should she, come into contact with any clip art. That just won’t do. She was much nicer than the situation required her to be, calling it off and shooing him out the door as he lamented about it not working out this time. Bro, this was the time. There won’t be another time. Ya blew it.

Just when things can’t seem to get any worse, Craig says, and seems to believe, “If I had one more night to work on these designs, I could make them perfect and I know she’d love them.” Craiggy, you worked on them for two hours that afternoon, and all you did was move around a Photoshopped patch of dog fur on the screen. Where oh where is Laura the life coach when you need her?

The craziest part about this is that he’s not a dumbass, and he’s possibly even too smart for his own good. We also learned in this episode that he taught Naomie not one but two ways of picking a lock (a credit card and two bobby pins), which gives some insight into the projects he’s focusing his attention on, really. We know it’s certainly not cleaning up his home, or getting to the OVER 300 ORDERS for pillows he has that he has yet to work on. Please enjoy Austen, playing the part of all of us, in this clip:

Sometimes his antics can be met with a simple “Oh, Craig,” or even a giggle, polite or otherwise. But right now we’re treading back into #OldCraig territory. You know, season 2 style where Cameran, Whitney, and even Shep all took turns being worried about him partying too much and being too inconvenienced by the concept of showing up at an office at 9am on weekdays? The guy passed the bar! He taught himself to embroider! Why isn’t he at least spending any time on one of those things?

Let’s be generous and chalk it up to both his semi-recent breakup with Naomie and subsequent move into a new house and subsequent claw thing. But sweet, sweet Craig is in danger of a big old backslide in his life right now and we can only hope he catches himself —and quick.

Where to watch Southern Charm