New Russian State TV Show Says That Putin Is So Imposing, Even Bears are Scared of Him

Apparently, Vladimir Putin is so imposing that even bears are afraid of him (yes, that is a real sentence you just read). On Monday, Russian state TV debuted a new series titled Moscow. Kremlin. Putin. dedicated to praising their embattled president, and the show explicitly claims that neither man nor animal can compete with Putin’s physical and mental fitness. The first episode follows Putin as he hikes through the Russian countryside, a journey that was, naturally, a cake walk for the president (his Kremlin underlings didn’t fare so well).

The Rossiya-1 series aims to flatter Putin in as many ways as possible. Not only is the Russian president a great ruler, Moscow. Kremlin. Putin. not-so-subtly suggests; he’s also a “very empathetic” man and an experienced outdoorsman. The pilot features footage from Putin’s recent berry picking excursion with his ministers, a task that the show insists was nothing but innocent fun. “We should gather these and go to the collective farm market,” said Putin in a clip posted to The Guardian’s YouTube page. Next, the group goes on an 8 kilometer hike (just under 5 miles), but the ministers struggle to keep up with Putin’s fast pace. “So many days have passed, and my legs still hurt,” said defense minister Sergei Shoigu.

Moscow. Kremlin. Putin.’s premiere episode also features footage of Putin’s trip to Siberia, one of the country’s most remote regions. Did the president need to be guarded during the long hike? Of course not. “This is wild nature, there are bears there,” joked Kremlin spokesman Dmitry Peskov. “Although if a bear sees Putin, they aren’t idiots, they will behave themselves properly.” Siberian bears’ natural instincts be damned — if Putin is around, they’d better shape up or ship out.

The first episode of the Rossiya-1 series aired just hours after thousands of citizens took to the streets to protest Putin’s unpopular pension reforms, but now that Russians have seen Moscow. Kremlin. Putin. we have to imagine that all their concerns will fall by the wayside. How could they not? Peskov’s assurance that “Putin doesn’t only love children, he loves people in general” sounds totally sincere and not at all like propaganda.