‘Shameless’ Season 9, Episode 1 Recap: Rats

It’s finally time for Shameless Season 9! The Gallaghers are still alive and kicking and, well, as shameless as ever. If you’re a little fuzzy on where we left off, the show’s signature rude recap should be of some help. Ian (AKA Hot Gay Jesus) is serving time for getting a little carried away with his message, Carl is back at military school (much to his crazy wife’s dismay), Fiona is enjoying domestic bliss with her bangin’ Irish lad, Debbie (short a few toes) is still welding, and Lip is embracing his fatherly side by taking in his coworker’s niece. All caught up? Good. Let’s get started.

In typical Shameless fashion, Shameless Season 9 Episode 1 (“Are You There Shim? It’s Me, Ian”) kicks off with two CGI rats literally screwing in the street while a very on-brand Frank wakes up surrounded by his own vomit. He “cleans up” (this is a gross overstatement) and heads out for his daily routine: sleeping with his roster of sexually repressed PTA moms. He’s living it up in each house, stealing silverware and leftovers, but this all comes to a screeching halt when an emergency PTA meeting is called due to a STD epidemic. In an effort to contain the outbreak, they quarantine the infected parents for the day so they can all be administered antibiotics via IV, and it turns out that pretty much everyone is screwing everyone. (This entire storyline plays out just as ridiculous as it sounds). Everyone is predictably pissed at Frank at the beginning, but it winds up turning into a giant group therapy session (with the exception of one angry husband, who gives Frank a nice kick between the legs as a parting gift).

Fiona, ever the caretaker, is leveraging her apartment building to get bail money for Ian (more on his prison activism later), and much to her dismay, hot Irish Ford is not really in her corner on this matter – and neither is the rest of the Gallagher clan. Fiona and Ford spend the episode in a trust tug-of-war after she finds a second phone in his jacket with a retinal scan lock (he claims it’s just an international phone for chatting with his mom), and I don’t know about anyone else, but I just am not feelin’ this relationship. The sparks aren’t flying. Let’s move on.

Rather than using his time behind bars for some much-needed introspection, Ian is continuing his Gay Jesus routine and heading up a sex strike to ensure that there are better sexual relationships between the inmates. He’s so dedicated to this cause, in fact, that he waves off Fiona’s offer of the bail money. When she inquires about whether or not he’s on his meds, he shuts her down. We’ve already been down the unmedicated Ian road before. We know this doesn’t end well.

Lip, meanwhile, is taking care of little motherless Xan, and his paternal instincts are actually pretty sound. He takes her with him to his old sponsor/current coworker Brad’s wedding, where he meets (and soon sleeps with) maid-of-honor Tami, who seems totally chill at first (aside from the whole, y’know, puking on him mid-thrust thing). On Brad’s recommendation, Lip goes to find her at work a couple days later to ask her out, and she shuts him down like no man has ever been shut down before. Like, tells him he’s the worst lay she’s ever had.

As for the younger Gallaghers? Well, after finding out she’s being paid less than her male coworkers because she apparently uses the bathroom too much, Debbie constructs a makeshift diaper to prove a point. She gets the raise (and some raised eyebrows), but her boss still calls her “Jugs”. You can’t win ’em all. Little Liam doesn’t get much to do in this episode besides clean up Frank’s mess (he attempts to get all the stolen silverware back to their rightful owners), but boy, does big brother Carl have his hands full at military school. He’s vying for a promotion that could eventually lead to him getting into somewhere like West Point, and only two things are standing in his way: his crazy wife Kassidi and a lackluster cadet. (Kassidi is spending her days camping outside the school in a tent, working on her “Kegels”.) Two birds are quite literally killed with one stone when the problem cadet claims Kassidi’s been taken care of and no one will ever find the body. I wouldn’t put it past the show to get back into the murder game, but it seems kinda bonkers to go there nine seasons in. Then again, this is Shameless.

On a lighter note, Veronica and Kevin’s issues as of late are pretty common: their twins won’t sleep and they can’t get any sexytime in. They decide to literally treat their children like dogs so that they have time to get it on. That’s all.

As is wont to happen on Shameless, everyone’s just trying to get under or over on someone in the Season 9 premiere, all with varying results. At this rate, it doesn’t really seem to be working out for any of them. But we’ve still got a whole season of total debauchery to look forward to.

Jade Budowski is a freelance writer with a knack for ruining punchlines and harboring dad-aged celebrity crushes. She is also a member of the Television Critics Association. Follow her on Twitter: @jadebudowski.

Watch Shameless Season 9 Episode 1 ("Are You There, Shim? It's Me, Ian.") on Showtime Anytime