Fun
Frisky
Nostalgic
Intense
Adventurous
Choked Up
Curious
Romantic
Weird
Nothing has made me feel older lately than realizing my Fall TV crush is the new Magnum P.I., Jay Hernandez.
This realization came upon me slowly, like a wilted leaf falling from a dying flower stem. When I initially saw the first photo of Hernandez in character, it was in the guise of a viral news flash. The TV critics and comedians in my twitter timeline were poking fun at how Hernandez was sporting facial hair, but not Tom Selleck’s trademark mustache. “Har har har,” I thought. But then I thought, “Wait, the new Magnum P.I.’s actually kind of hot.”
As the weeks bore on, and summer began to fade — like the distant memory of my revved up and horny youth — I noticed that I got excited when I saw ads for CBS’s Magnum P.I. reboot on TV. It meant I could gaze upon him…the handsome man who had come to lead me from “young adulthood” to the vestibule steps that will lead me into the stately manor of middle age.
See, here’s the thing. I don’t just think the lead of CBS’s Magnum P.I. is hot. I honestly think he’s hotter than the internet’s puppy-holding, yogurt-chugging boyfriend du jour, Noah Centineo. I would rather fuck Magnum P.I. than Peter Kavinsky, and I know what that says about me. It says, “Hark, children! I am old!”
In my defense, the star of the new Magnum P.I. is hot. Jay Hernandez is an empirically handsome man. His skin his smooth, his body is fit, and his face has nice proportions. This might be me, but he also recently upped his grooming game. I don’t know if he’s changed hair stylists or what, but the Magnum P.I. haircut is working for Mr. Jay Hernandez. I almost didn’t recognize him as the same dude who was Diablo in Suicide Squad. (But that could have also been the face tattoos he sported in that film. Just saying.) The hair is working, the non-mustache facial hair is working, even the clean white shirt is working. It’s all working for me.
You know what else is working for me? Magnum P.I. in full dress uniform. I saw this and for the first time in my life said, “Hubba hubba” out loud, without irony, like a loon.
My crush on Magnum P.I.‘s Jay Hernandez marks a line in my personal development as a human being. No longer am I undone by the floppy haired cad with a guitar, no more shall I swoon for the gritty indie film bad boy. For I am a 30-something woman and CBS’s primetime line up of procedural dramas is gunning for me. It whispers, “Soon, soon, you shall have no time for that trendy BBC America show with the pretty lesbians and exquisite art design. Your hips will hurt and your heart will ache and you will want to watch a man in a uniform solve a crime in under 45 minutes flat.”
My time has come. The die is cast. Old age creeps at my window, beckoning me to its cobwebbed gardens. I want to sleep with the lead of a CBS primetime drama. I am hot for Magnum P.I.
At least he has nice abs.
