‘Antichrist’: The Devil Made Them Do It

Ah, Lars von Trier’s Antichrist. Has it really been 9 years (to the month) since we last met, and led me to write that you were “ONE OF THE WORSTESTESTESTEST FILMS OF BALLS THYME SO DO NOT GO AND SEE IT NO MATTER WHAT,” and that it was “AN INSULT TO THE REAL ANTICHRIST WHICH IS BRETT RATNER BUT IF BRETT RATNER DIRECTED THIS MOVIE IT ACTUALLY MIGHT HAVE BEEN LESS PAINFUL ON THE EYES AND THIGHS!”

Yes, this movie made me SOOOoooOOooo angry that I wrote a majority of my review in ALL CAPS!!!!!

But now I’m older, and perhaps wiser (debatable), so in time for Halloween (think candy with razor blades in them), I think it may be time to revisit dear ol’ Antichrist, and decide once and for all if it’s still the devil in disgusting, or just the devil in disguise!

What’s past is prologue – and in the film’s opening ‘Prologue’, we see He (Willem Dafoe) and Her (Charlotte Gainsbourg) engage in some heaving petting (read: HIS dong up HER who-ha, all wet and willy in the shower). And while getting it on (so hard that toothbrushes bang into their banging!), their baby in the other room decides to abandon his crib and jump out the window to his death. It’s all shot and presented like it was a Calvin Klein Obsession ad from the late 80s/early 90s. What happens from there isn’t some tender song like Eric Clapton’s “Tears In Heaven”, it’s like a poisoned visual dart, headed straight for your eye!

The first chapter of our tale is entitled “Grief.” More like good grief! ‘Cept, like, BAD grief! EAT IT CHARLIE BROWN!! (Charlie Brown wouldn’t last 2 seconds watching this movie). He, a psychiatrist, tries his best to console Her, but she’s inconsolable. His soft words set the pace for what could be an interesting movie about recovering from loss, but instead the movie devolves into uncovering… torture – TORTURE OF YOUR SOUL!!! She blames herself for her child’s death, and desires to join her son in the world of not living, and I blame her for not offing herself right then and there, ’cause if she did, the movie would be over and we’d be spared the worst that’s yet to COME!

The next chapter is “Pain,” but that’s a blatant lie, ’cause the pain comes in the following chapter. This one is a set-up TO the pain. She admits her biggest fear is being in the woods, at the cabin named “Eden”, where she and her child spent the previous summer. He suggests they return to the woods and the cabin, and away they go. Nothing good ever happens in cabins in the woods, and this, being an allegory for Adam and Eve and the Garden of Eden, you know this is going to be an even less good-er place – like an awfuler-er place! These woods are certainly no good. The air grows mossy barnacles on His hands. She hears a baby crying and runs all over to find the source, but finds nothing. What we do find are strange and unusual creatures – like a deer missing part of its behind, and a bird tearing apart the body of a baby chick, and a wounded fox who tells Him that “chaos reigns.” Uh, sure.

Chapter three goes by “Despair,” and if you made it this far, it may be time for you to disappear, for there’s no turning back from what happens next! He and She go on and on about the thesis she was working on.(Anytime I hear the word “thesis” in a movie, my brain starts to shut down). She did her research in that cabin, and was trying to figure out things and stuff about nature and women, and how nature and women are evil and things and more stuff. This leads her to consider herself evil. Consider it done! She next runs into the woods, sans clothes, and has a solo spank session, vigorously finger-banging thyneself. He spots her and joins the fray, human-banging her against a tree. Mother nature’s helper??? Dear lord.

Later, she fears he’s going to leave, and makes sure he doesn’t, and in turn, makes sure you will NEVER FORGET THIS MOVIE FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE CAUSE IT WILL LEAVE A PERMANENT STAIN ON YOUR PSYCHE!!! How do you make a man stay? You take matters into your own “hands.” So, she clobbers His man parts with a giant block, then gives Him a hand job so rapidly sloppy gross that it ejaculates blood. FOR PETE FCUKING’S SAKE – THIS SCENE IS STILL SO FCUKING DISGUSTING THAT I STILL CONSIDER IT THE WORST FORM OF TORTURE A MAN COULD POSSIBLY EXPERIENCE!! (Even more so than getting logged-out). Oh, you think the “fun” stops there? She corkscrews a hole into his leg and screws a weight to it so he can’t run away. Why Lars von Trier? Why? I hope Adam never had to deal with this kinda sh!t with Eve!

Our final chapter … yes, there’s still more … is “The Three Beggars.”. Ah, more allegories and thinking (wo)men stuff, eh? Uh, um, er, uhhhh, uhh, I dunno what cutting part of a clitoris off with a pair of scissors has to do with the price of eggs, but to me, that’s probably the worst form of torture a woman could possibly experience, besides being forced to binge watch all 4 seasons of Ballers!!!

Does it ever end? Sure, there’s an “Epilogue,” but the movie truly never ends, because this movie STILL haunts me to this day. Revisiting it had doubled the haunting! Thanks, Decider! If you’ve seen it, it probably haunts you too. I didn’t mean to spoil anything by being graphic with the details above, but 9 years have passed, so you probably already know that Luke Skywalker’s father is the sled from Citizen Kane, I mean, that His penis spits blood, and She mutilates her own vagina, and you get to watch it all! Neat!

If you want tricks, run from this and trick yourself into thinking this is an important film. If you want treats, watch von Trier’s less horrid, more fantastic-cool Melancholia instead, or the similarly themed, but less penis/vagina painful Mother! by Darren Aronofsky.

There’s such thing as being anti-Antichrist, right? Just praying that I don’t have to revisit this movie again in 2027.

Watching your favorite arthouse movies has never been easier than it is with FilmStruck, which offers subscribers an incredibly diverse selection of cinematic classics, including favorites from Turner Classic Movies and the Criterion Collection. Decider readers are eligible for an exclusive extended 30-Day Free Trial of the service. Sign up today, and be sure to follow FilmStruck’s brand new Twitter handle @FSAfterDark, the best way to explore the darker corners of FilmStruck.

Thighmaster is full time master of thighs, and editor-in-CHEF of ThighsWideShut.org, an organization based out of Thighland. In his free time he eats fried chicken, and runs street teams to promote the greatness of David Fincher’s Zodiac, and the greatness of the Zardoz trailer.

Watch Antichrist on FilmStruck