Why Is Hasan Minhaj So Hot?: A Decider Investigation (Mostly)

Hasan Minhaj has a new weekly comedy/investigative series premiering this Sunday on Netflix, Patriot Act with Hasan Minhaj. But the real question, one the show is unlikely to answer but is very likely to continue to have us asking is: WHY IS HASAN MINHAJ SO HOT?

Here, Decider’s Joe Reid and Lea Palmieri do their very best to understand and celebrate the host and comedian’s utter hotness.

Joe: Lea. I have been thrown for a loop. An urgency in me that had been dormant for weeks, maybe even months, has been re-awakened. Re-awakened by a Netflix promo that brought together two of the platform’s brightest stars: Tan France of Queer Eye and Hasan Minhaj of Patriot Act. The boys got together for a little clothes shopping, some brown-is-beautiful bonding, and a symposium on the meaning of the term “fuckboy.” It’s a fantastic nine and three-quarters minutes, better than a lot of entire TV shows, just two charming Netflix talents being charming together. And it reminded me of something that has been driving me crazy for years: WHY IS HASAN MINHAJ SO HOT??

SERIOUSLY WHY? Because here’s the thing: He doesn’t need to be. He doesn’t! He’s funny. He’s smart. He’s ambitious. His personality is quite charming. WHY DOES HE ALSO HAVE TO BE HOT? I thought God didn’t give with both hands. I feel like I’m taking crazy pills. All of that in one perfectly-angled package. WHY??

Lea: Do you mean WHY was my heart set aflutter when he’s doing nothing more than pronouncing his name correctly? He and Tan had that charming moment where they both bonded over the non-anglicized pronunciations of their names, and it was great. I’m sure it’s a tongue thing or something but it sounded so beautiful I want to make it my ringtone, if that’s a thing people still do. If not, I’m bringing it back because the hotness of his VOICE is worth it.

You touch on another important point here and that is: I’m not sure I’ve EVER watched a nearly 10 minute video on Twitter, and yet I never wanted this one to end. Ever. I was both jealous of Tan and also weeping with FOMO for not being invited to this styling session.

And speaking of TOUCHING and IMPORTANT POINTS: DID YOU SEE HIS ARMS IN THAT SWEATER? It was all I could stare at. So just to recap, your words: “He’s smart. He’s ambitious. His personality is quite charming. WHY DOES HE ALSO HAVE TO BE HOT?” And my addition to that: And he’s got super buff, dreamy arms!

Joe: Lea. He has really great arms. So, okay, to bring things back down to sea level for a second: what’s cool about Hasan Minhaj and why I crush on him a little intensely is that what’s smart and successful about him is what’s also sexy about him. He’s got an outsider’s POV but with the delivery and confidence of an insider, and the good looks are like a multiplier for that effect. He said it himself: he’s got the hair and meticulously groomed beard of a fuckboy. But he uses those powers for good. He’s like a wizard who doesn’t succumb to the temptations to do evil. (“So he’s Doctor Strange?” you ask. And then I say “NO AND I WILL NOW FIGHT YOU.”)

Also the line of his jaw contributes to a maddeningly effective smile.

Here’s one more from the WHYYYY column, though: he is decidedly not queer. Which isn’t to say hostile to queerness. But there is just nothing about him that feels like it even hits a 1 on the Kinsey scale. He uses this vibe to great effect in something like The Spy Who Dumped Me, the Mila Kunis/Kate McKinnon buddy spy comedy that hits VOD rental on Tuesday where he’s playing this total dick of a government agent. (Sorry, straight guys, but you’re all really good at playing total dicks. Let’s all just agree that we know this to be true.) And normally that whole vibe is a dealbreaker for me! Generally, if I’m attracted to a straight guy, there is a corn kernel of a queer vibe in there, visible under only certain light bulbs. There hasn’t been a bulb found yet that can reveal any queerness in Hasan. SO THEN WHY IS HE THIS HOT, I ASK YOU, YOUR HONOR? Why did my immediate reactions to The Spy Who Dumped Me go: 1) Kate McKinnon is a genius; 2) I can’t believe they stole the font from Spy; and 3) I would die happy in a CIA black-site prison cell if Hasan Minhaj were also imprisoned there with me.

Lea: Joe, I completely know what you mean. I normally have no interest in men who aren’t single but somehow, the fact that Hasan seems to genuinely, for real, love his wife and newborn daughter somehow MAKES HIM HOTTER AND HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE? At this point, I’d like to direct you to this lyric from Taylor Swift’s “Gorgeous”:

If you’ve got a girlfriend, I’m jealous of her
But if you’re single that’s honestly worse
‘Cause you’re so gorgeous it actually hurts
(Honey, it hurts)

And honey, IT HURTS. Just the way it did during his Netflix special Homecoming King when he talked about a girl in high school (and her family) rejecting him for his ethnicity. I’ll fight her. Ultimately, of course, he got the last laugh via success and also his never-ending confidence and charm and model looks. And also having one of the absolute best comedy specials of…ever? Seriously, Homecoming King made me gasp for air during LOLs and grab for tissues during the touching parts, but also it reminded me that Hasan is so hot, it made me crave Pizza Hut.

Joe: God, you’re so right. He COULD be a model. What the shit is that?! I don’t want the hosts of late-night comedy shows I’m hugely looking forward to to be models! I don’t want Jimmy Fallon rolling with Tom Schwartz of Vanderpump Rules! (Fun fact: I couldn’t think of any current model/actors, so I panicked and went with the only male model I know of, and that’s Tom Schwartz. Who definitely has a corn kernel of queerness in him. Anyway.) But I saw what I saw, and what I saw in that Tan France video clip was Hasan trying on outfit after fashionable outfit and looking ready for his photo shoot for the Joe’s Dream Date Catalog. Even the outfits that were supposed to be ugly looked good on him! I was aghast. That one awful pinstripe suit that looked like that old Mentos ad where the business yuppie sat down on wet paint and had to make it work? He even made that look halfway decent! What in the world.

Bottom line, Lea: what if we never find out why? What if a cold and disinterested God just never gives us the answer? Will we just have to sit with that forever? We’re still gonna watch Patriot Act and sigh deeply, right?

Lea: Hey, Joe, just wondering: am I now drooling for a Mentos or still for Hasan? Still Hasan? Okay, great. Yes, of course I’m going to going to watch Patriot Act and sigh deeply, and I can’t wait. There is no God that will give us the answer, because they’ve already given us so much to work with: that mischievous glint in his eye when he boldly stepped up and took the job no other less attractive person would dare to do and absolutely demolished the White House Correspondents Dinner in 2017; the way he glides across the stage during his stand-up performances, always in incredibly dope and highly enviable sneakers; the fact that he showed up on Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee and made every other legendary funny person seem like a total dud because his charisma is the only thing I’d like poured in a venti-sized cup. I can’t wait to see what he does on Patriot Act because I’d bet it’s going to be very enlightening and funny, and I know for a fact that he’s going to LOOK SO HOT THE WHOLE TIME.

Joe: Damn it.

Where to stream Patriot Act with Hasan Minhaj