‘Chilling Adventures of Sabrina’ Episode 3 Recap: Law and Order Special Witches Unit

You can’t outrun the law, especially when the law is Satan himself, as our girl Sabrina learns in this installment of The Chilling Adventures of Sabrina.

This chapter, our plucky half-mortal heroine receives an Infernal Summons to the court of the Dark Night, to be penalized for skipping out on her baptism, or, as Zelda refers to it, “running in horror.” While Sabrina awaits sentencing, her whole family will be stripped of their powers, which is not only inconvenient for things like cleaning but is doubly awful for Zelda because it means she will get old. Hilda promptly and cheerfully loses a tooth while Zelda seethes. (On the plus side, this does mean that we get to see Miranda Otto in progressively more intense age makeup throughout the episode.) Ambrose, who has definitely had his brushes with witch court, seeing as he’s on 75-year house arrest, points out in a #tooclose moment that witch court is different than mortal court, and you are presumed guilty until proven innocent. Things aren’t looking so great for ‘Brina.

Luckily, again because Ambrose has been around the block before, he knows of a lawyer named Daniel Webster, a mortal who specializes in witch law. Webster, however, is less interested in seeing her and only begrudgingly lets her in when she tells him her name. “Spellman,” he repeats, then quickly shoos her out and says he doesn’t practice law anymore.

Father Blackwood is to Sabrina what Kirk is to Gilmore Girls — every job! — so of course he’s also the prosecutor in Satan’s court. As he lays the groundwork for suing Sabrina for breach of promise, Webster busts dramatically into the courtroom and enters a not guilty plea on her behalf. As it turns out, Sabrina’s dad taught him witch law back in the day. Blackwood’s case can be summed up as “but did you see what she was wearing,” using the fact that she showed up to her baptism in a wedding dress as evidence that she intended to bind her life up with Satan, but the real gotcha moment is when it’s revealed that Sabrina’s name is already in the book of the beast — written there just three days after she was born. As it turns out, her father had promised Sabrina’s soul to the devil in exchange for permission to marry her (mortal! The kind these witches eat!) mother.

Things are looking quite bleak for our girl until Hilda pulls a sneaky move of her own and digs up a Christian baptismal certificate for Sabrina, secretly notarized the day before her unwilling dark signature. Twist! Zelda and Blackwell are, needless to say, pissed, and when Sabrina calls the Dark Lord’s behavior “outrageous,” hoo boy, he just can’t stand that. A fiery hatch in the courtroom floor flies open and Blackwood and Webster enter to strike a bargain with the devil on Sabrina’s behalf. The verdict: Sabrina must attend Evil Hogwarts and attend weekly Black Mass at the Church of Night, but she can retain her mortal life and her Harvey-smooching ways. “Think of it as dual citizenship,” Webster tells her. When she accepts, Zelda, who has been wearing a headscarf and increasingly ridiculous sunglasses to hide her aging features and at one point loses a hank of hair to Blackwood’s tender caress (I cannot) cheers that she’s young again. Hilda happily reclaims her tooth.

Oh, and Hilda is also excommunicated, seeing as she secretly helped baptize her niece into the Christian church and all that.

Elsewhere in Greendale, Evil Wardwell is up to her typical evil ways, posing as multiple ghosts in this episode, plus generally skulking around the school and stirring shit up, going so far as to start a “secret book club” that reads banned books. Roz goes on a crusade when her project on “The Bluest Eye” is rejected and eventually confesses that she’s rapidly losing her vision.

Ambrose is also finding both love and mystery within the confines of his home. An iguana had been perched inside dead teen Connor Kemper’s coffin, and Ambrose is preeeeeeetty sure that was the guy’s familiar. When he spots a handsome guy at Connor’s funeral, he strikes up a conversation and learns that 1) The two of them used to date and 2) Connor really was obsessed with his iguana. Ambrose tries to get it to talk, and gets a nighttime visit from the guy, Jake, who confesses that he’s a warlock and so was Connor (mark my words: Jake is a bad guy), then spends the night with poor, smitten Ambrose. Ambrose gets his number, but realizes that the iguana has died overnight. Can’t win ’em all.

And Harveyland is full of ups and downs: Dr. Cerberus likes his drawings of the devil and wants to give him a job, hooray! His mean drunk dad doesn’t think that’s good and tells him he has to work in the mines, boo. He sees Sabrina naked during a search for a non-existent birth mark in the woods, yay! He once saw the devil in the mines as a kid and is too terrified to go back, super boo. What’s a Harvey to do?

Next time, on Sabrina: Maybe a little less legal procedure, thanks.

Kase Wickman is a writer, editor, Ravenclaw and certified fraidy-cat who lives in Brooklyn. If she had powers, she’d never have to wash off mascara again. Follow her on Twitter and Instagram, if you dare.

Watch Chilling Adventures of Sabrina Episode 3 ("Chapter Three: The Trial of Sabrina Spellman") on Netflix